You invoke those words like you know what they mean, but as iits clear that you don't.
Chaotic Neutral is "Rules and laws get in the way of my thrills and profits." Jack Sparrow is CN, Han Solo is CN. Chaotic Neutral breaks rules on a whim but doesn't upset the status quo such as to inflict undue suffering.
What' you're
describing is t
he Joker, wide-spread chaos and misery for shits and giggles 'because you could.' That's Chaotic Evil.
The Joker however doesn't make excuses for his actions, nor delude himself into thinking he isn't
anything but CE as you do.
You... are what the DnD community likes to call.