maybe change the "take it" button here to "use it", because having it say take it implies you keep it with you as an item and dont just use it on the spot.
Typos and Etc 2: Electric Boogaloo!
- Thread starter PanzerGuitar00
- Start date
maybe change to "Your friend is about to get a very close-up view of the Crucible!" or something similar. close or close- up? idk dealers choice.
“Your friend will make a very close trip to the Crucible!” the cruel peer adds before pressing the remote’s yellow again button.
“Your friend will make a very close trip to the Crucible!” the cruel peer adds before pressing the remote’s yellow again button.
not sure what they meant by sipping here. thats the second time theyve used it iirc. maybe do a blanket check to be sure they didnt do it any more times...
The capsule accelerates, shaking and burning on its way to the sipping caldera.
The capsule accelerates, shaking and burning on its way to the sipping caldera.
change to "stunned"
The Space Leviathan careens. It writhes weakly, too hurt and stun to fight back!
The Space Leviathan careens. It writhes weakly, too hurt and stun to fight back!
this last bit is kinda redundant, not to mention rough grammar wise. maybe change it to "though you'd be putting them at risk too" or something similar, or maybe just cut it altogether.
You can leave it here and risk meeting it again or call the Peacekeepers in the hope that they’ll contain the beast - though you’d be putting them in danger of death for the hope of taming this bio-mechanical titan.
You can leave it here and risk meeting it again or call the Peacekeepers in the hope that they’ll contain the beast - though you’d be putting them in danger of death for the hope of taming this bio-mechanical titan.
missing space
A short while later, you receive a notice from the Peacekeepers:Caution advised: the leviathan has escaped containment. Additional resources have been allocated by central command for future capture attempts.
A short while later, you receive a notice from the Peacekeepers:Caution advised: the leviathan has escaped containment. Additional resources have been allocated by central command for future capture attempts.
This is kinda redundant, maybe change to "Sirens blare and warning lights flash all around you"
lastly, change to "skyscraper", and that's all!
Sirens blare all around you! Warning lights spark all around you as systems fail one after the other. Oxygen and fuel bleed from your ship from a thousand cuts as the Space Leviathan opens its infernal mouth wide!
Plasma tempests flare between its skyscrapers-like teeth, gleaming with the fire of a million suns. The eldritch monster wails, shaking you to your core as it surges your way, devouring your ship and everyone inside in one quick, painless gulp!
lastly, change to "skyscraper", and that's all!
Sirens blare all around you! Warning lights spark all around you as systems fail one after the other. Oxygen and fuel bleed from your ship from a thousand cuts as the Space Leviathan opens its infernal mouth wide!
Plasma tempests flare between its skyscrapers-like teeth, gleaming with the fire of a million suns. The eldritch monster wails, shaking you to your core as it surges your way, devouring your ship and everyone inside in one quick, painless gulp!
maybe add a comma before "no"
Dabbebieth gasps in shock. “Jinx no! Don’t do this to me! Don’t do this to Paulette!”
Dabbebieth gasps in shock. “Jinx no! Don’t do this to me! Don’t do this to Paulette!”
maybe remove the comma after "big", and also maybe change to "both from Paulette's death, and from your betrayal" or something like that.
You reach for your weapon. The cobalt jellyfish dodges you at the last second, desperately flailing his tentacles to get enough momentum to avoid your attacks. His big, red eyes are soaked with tears, the ones from Paulette’s death and the ones from your treason.
You reach for your weapon. The cobalt jellyfish dodges you at the last second, desperately flailing his tentacles to get enough momentum to avoid your attacks. His big, red eyes are soaked with tears, the ones from Paulette’s death and the ones from your treason.
change to "floats down from the ceiling"
maybe change to "Now here's my part of the deal"
maybe change to "certified explosive free! My partners deserve only the best.”
Ovvi smiles, reaching for her control remote. A round, hovering vehicle floats down the ceiling. It hovers above the ground a couple of seconds before parking right next to you. “And here’s my part of the deal. Don’t be shy, hop in! This is my personal hoverorb — certified without explosives! My partners deserve the best only.”
maybe change to "Now here's my part of the deal"
maybe change to "certified explosive free! My partners deserve only the best.”
Ovvi smiles, reaching for her control remote. A round, hovering vehicle floats down the ceiling. It hovers above the ground a couple of seconds before parking right next to you. “And here’s my part of the deal. Don’t be shy, hop in! This is my personal hoverorb — certified without explosives! My partners deserve the best only.”
maybe specify that the dank contains dabby boi here in order to help paint a mental picture for the reader
lastly, maybe put exclamation marks at the end of these four sentences to really sell her insanity.
Ovvi smirks, raising the portable tank to her face. She lovingly caresses it, fantasizing about the things she’ll do to her new plaything. “I am many things, Jinx, but I’m not a betrayer. Those who favor me get favors in return. I’ll offer you Dhaal — no! I’ll deliver the Stars to you on a silver platter, my dear associate. Now go and enjoy my gracious gifts.”
Not reassured in the slightest, you step into the chromed machine. As soon as you claim the comfortable seat, the engines rev with power. Ovvi waves at you as a reinforced windshield slides into position. “Farewell Jinx. The next time we meet, the galaxy will be ours.”
lastly, maybe put exclamation marks at the end of these four sentences to really sell her insanity.
Ovvi smirks, raising the portable tank to her face. She lovingly caresses it, fantasizing about the things she’ll do to her new plaything. “I am many things, Jinx, but I’m not a betrayer. Those who favor me get favors in return. I’ll offer you Dhaal — no! I’ll deliver the Stars to you on a silver platter, my dear associate. Now go and enjoy my gracious gifts.”
Not reassured in the slightest, you step into the chromed machine. As soon as you claim the comfortable seat, the engines rev with power. Ovvi waves at you as a reinforced windshield slides into position. “Farewell Jinx. The next time we meet, the galaxy will be ours.”
change to "in the direction of"
change to "that rain down to the"
The capsule soars through the sky at supersonic speeds, pinning you to the seat as it flies over the Crucible in direction to the planet’s equator. Clouds explode as you pass through them, bursting into millions of tiny droplets that rain down the arid soil below. In the blink of an eye, the zaika megalopolis appears in front of you. The towering skyscrapers and flashy buildings of the Meridian contrast strongly with the crumbling ruins and fuming factories of the Farrow.
change to "that rain down to the"
The capsule soars through the sky at supersonic speeds, pinning you to the seat as it flies over the Crucible in direction to the planet’s equator. Clouds explode as you pass through them, bursting into millions of tiny droplets that rain down the arid soil below. In the blink of an eye, the zaika megalopolis appears in front of you. The towering skyscrapers and flashy buildings of the Meridian contrast strongly with the crumbling ruins and fuming factories of the Farrow.
change to "in the direction of"
maybe change to "during the flight", as saying "while you were staggered" gave me the initial impression that she has tazed the pc or something and i had to think for a moment to piece it together.
Your vessel casually floats over the lowlands in direction to the spaceport. You don’t know how, but the red and silver vehicle knows exactly which ship to look for. Maybe Ovvi hacked your Codex while you were staggered?
maybe change to "during the flight", as saying "while you were staggered" gave me the initial impression that she has tazed the pc or something and i had to think for a moment to piece it together.
Your vessel casually floats over the lowlands in direction to the spaceport. You don’t know how, but the red and silver vehicle knows exactly which ship to look for. Maybe Ovvi hacked your Codex while you were staggered?
maybe change to "speeding off into the horizon", as it would likely just return directly to the EGG and not dissapear into the city.
The machine lifts up a little, hovering above the ground. A hidden compartment opens under it, revealing a polished crate bearing Dr. Hellitrix’s gifts. Antigrav generators slowly place the first of Ovvi’s rewards in front of you. The capsule beeps and boops a couple more times, judging you silently before heading back to the shadows.
The machine lifts up a little, hovering above the ground. A hidden compartment opens under it, revealing a polished crate bearing Dr. Hellitrix’s gifts. Antigrav generators slowly place the first of Ovvi’s rewards in front of you. The capsule beeps and boops a couple more times, judging you silently before heading back to the shadows.
maybe change to "chest" or "crate". sorry this and the last one have been more nitpicky.
You slowly pry the treasure open. You gawk in shock at the sight of all the riches inside: platinum, gemstones, power armor, experimental weapons — all you need to kickstart a small mercenary company! Looking carefully, you notice a small datapad under all the gold and jewels. Without further ado, you reach for the sleek device and turn it on. A single message appears on screen.
You slowly pry the treasure open. You gawk in shock at the sight of all the riches inside: platinum, gemstones, power armor, experimental weapons — all you need to kickstart a small mercenary company! Looking carefully, you notice a small datapad under all the gold and jewels. Without further ado, you reach for the sleek device and turn it on. A single message appears on screen.
maybe remove the comma
change "hers" to "her"
maybe change to "get your inheritance back"
maybe change to "when she may double cross you — someone learned that the hard way"
maybe place "and" before "that's"
lastly, im not sure about the latter half of this sentence. like, i get what they were going for, but i dont feel like its landing, though i cant think of a way to improve on it. sorry.
There’s a small P.S: “You are, of course, invited to the grand opening of my future, planet-wide pleasure resort: OvviLand!”
Truly despicable of hers. You made a pact with the devil and will now have to live with it. Let’s hope she won’t be a pain in your side before you get back your inheritance. You never know when she’s gonna double cross you — someone learned it the hard way today. At least you’re safe and sound, that’s all that matters. Some will call you a coward, others an opportunist, but none will be close to the truth. You are whole, complete... unlike Ovvi’s broken creations.
change "hers" to "her"
maybe change to "get your inheritance back"
maybe change to "when she may double cross you — someone learned that the hard way"
maybe place "and" before "that's"
lastly, im not sure about the latter half of this sentence. like, i get what they were going for, but i dont feel like its landing, though i cant think of a way to improve on it. sorry.
There’s a small P.S: “You are, of course, invited to the grand opening of my future, planet-wide pleasure resort: OvviLand!”
Truly despicable of hers. You made a pact with the devil and will now have to live with it. Let’s hope she won’t be a pain in your side before you get back your inheritance. You never know when she’s gonna double cross you — someone learned it the hard way today. At least you’re safe and sound, that’s all that matters. Some will call you a coward, others an opportunist, but none will be close to the truth. You are whole, complete... unlike Ovvi’s broken creations.
nitpicky again, sorry, but im not sure if "planets" is meant to be capitalized here? sorry
A minute later, another alert flares your computer: New spaceborne threat identified! Ionic clouds were spotted above multiple Rush Planets! A vessel of the Third U.G.C. Expeditionary Fleet was completely annihilated by a sudden electromagnetic anomaly! Travel with increased caution!
A minute later, another alert flares your computer: New spaceborne threat identified! Ionic clouds were spotted above multiple Rush Planets! A vessel of the Third U.G.C. Expeditionary Fleet was completely annihilated by a sudden electromagnetic anomaly! Travel with increased caution!
maybe remove the question mark
Dabbebieth frowns. “Ultimate peacekeeper? What are you on about? There’s no one here but you and us?”
Dabbebieth frowns. “Ultimate peacekeeper? What are you on about? There’s no one here but you and us?”
change to "claw"
maybe also change "boiler" to something else? i sure wouldnt call whatever this device is a boiler....
Behind her, the giant machines wail to life. Magmatic lights flicker, transforming the shadows into fanged beasts and primal monsters as the main boiler synthetizes a bright orange goop. It trickles down the pipes, flowing through the reinforced tubes before coalescing into a writhing pool. You gasp and Dabbebieth shakes as it slowly takes a bipedal form! The gooey sludge generates lithe legs, a zaika core, long arms ending in bulky, claws-like hands, and an elongated head. In place of ears and hair, long tentacles sprout from its amorphous skull. Sun-like eyes set on you, gauging your dangerousness with an alien curiosity.
maybe also change "boiler" to something else? i sure wouldnt call whatever this device is a boiler....
Behind her, the giant machines wail to life. Magmatic lights flicker, transforming the shadows into fanged beasts and primal monsters as the main boiler synthetizes a bright orange goop. It trickles down the pipes, flowing through the reinforced tubes before coalescing into a writhing pool. You gasp and Dabbebieth shakes as it slowly takes a bipedal form! The gooey sludge generates lithe legs, a zaika core, long arms ending in bulky, claws-like hands, and an elongated head. In place of ears and hair, long tentacles sprout from its amorphous skull. Sun-like eyes set on you, gauging your dangerousness with an alien curiosity.