Amber Christmas Date Scene [Approved!]

[WritingDen]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12vHY2iKFFTnxyNukg__FNJepSwama7niqY6GWrRFCws/edit?usp=sharing

Please note this is my first time doing any real writing in years so please understand I am not great at grammar and spelling. This is also my first attempt at submitting anything for a game in general.

 

[SeriousBlueJewel]

First off

I did ask Wsan for permission to write stuff for Amber so we are starting off with this: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12vHY2iKFFTnxyNukg__FNJepSwama7niqY6GWrRFCws/edit?usp=sharing

Please note this is my first time doing any real writing in years so please understand I am not great at grammar and spelling. This is also my first attempt at submitting anything for a game in general.

Start by fixing your header formatting it looks terrible

 

[WritingDen]

First off

Start by fixing your header formatting it looks terrible

better? just so you are aware, they way you typed that came off as very hostile.

 

[SeriousBlueJewel]

better? just so you are aware, they way you typed that came off as very hostile.

Sorry, I should have been more polite. But a look at the current indexation of this document, made me say no I am not taking a look at this until you fix this problem. Which is also something the devs and coders will toss you into the no pile for, just upon seeing.

Also no, although this one is my fault. With header formatting I meant your usage which is currently not up to snuff. Your header usage controls your TOC on the right of the document. And currently it is a complete mess and basically unusable. The TOC is one of the most important things for a document as it allows the reviewer, and coder to easily move between scenes and know were they were when they left off.

Below I have left some links to document whose Toc and headers you can review.
Click here for one the writer's public repositories. With this fellow Christmas event probably being most useful for you.

Once you have fixed that major problem, there is a second major problem namely the lack of parsers. My Ctrl+f in your doc yielded no "[" which means you didn't use any, which is a problem since they are the building block of Tits. Here is the parser document that I made, you should review it along (to at least page 16) and the other important documents linked in the section of the same name.

 

[WritingDen]

Sorry, I should have been more polite. But a look at the current indexation of this document, made me say no I am not taking a look at this until you fix this problem. Which is also something the devs and coders will toss you into the no pile for, just upon seeing.

Also no, although this one is my fault. With header formatting I meant your usage which is currently not up to snuff. Your header usage controls your TOC on the right of the document. And currently it is a complete mess and basically unusable. The TOC is one of the most important things for a document as it allows the reviewer, and coder to easily move between scenes and know were they were when they left off.

Below I have left some links to document whose Toc and headers you can review.
Click here for one the writer's public repositories. With this fellow Christmas event probably being most useful for you.

Once you have fixed that major problem, there is a second major problem namely the lack of parsers. My Ctrl+f in your doc yielded no "[" which means you didn't use any, which is a problem since they are the building block of Tits. Here is the parser document that I made, you should review it along (to at least page 16) and the other important documents linked in the section of the same name.

gotcha and thank you that is very helpful. As I type this I am actually trying to edit it so it has a similar setup to what you shared with me. It might not be perfect but it's a starting point right ? This was my first time doing something like this ever so I just wrote up the scene first so I could at least get a starting point.

 

[WritingDen]

And now its been edited though I can't say it is perfect. First time doing this kind of thing I hope its good enough to at least not be a terrible mess to find the errors wherever they are in it.

 

[ExxWhy]

Alright, I'm going to put my editor hat on and take a crack at this. Overall, there's nothing particularly egregious here, though I could definitely tell you haven't written much narrative in a good while. A lot of the sentences are structured the same way, which makes them all kind of blend together into one big monotonous blob of text. Try to work on weeding out your weak verbs, building more imagery and relying less on adjectives to do it, using more punctuation, and really just developing a more interesting tone in your writing. Like I said, there's nothing technically wrong here, but there's also a lot of personality missing from the words.

I don't mean to trash you or discourage you; writing is easy, writing well is a pain in the ass. You're going to cut entire paragraphs you agonized over, and are going to get to the point where you know something needs to change, but you have no idea what or what to change it to. Unfortunately, that's just how writing is. The only way you improve is by reading other peoples' work and practicing it yourself. I've only gotten through the first scene so far, but left an admittedly copious amount of comments in the doc. That should hopefully give you enough to think about and work on for the time being.

 

[WritingDen]

Alright, I'm going to put my editor hat on and take a crack at this. Overall, there's nothing particularly egregious here, though I could definitely tell you haven't written much narrative in a good while. A lot of the sentences are structured the same way, which makes them all kind of blend together into one big monotonous blob of text. Try to work on weeding out your weak verbs, building more imagery and relying less on adjectives to do it, using more punctuation, and really just developing a more interesting tone in your writing. Like I said, there's nothing technically wrong here, but there's also a lot of personality missing from the words.

I don't mean to trash you or discourage you; writing is easy, writing well is a pain in the ass. You're going to cut entire paragraphs you agonized over, and are going to get to the point where you know something needs to change, but you have no idea what or what to change it to. Unfortunately, that's just how writing is. The only way you improve is by reading other peoples' work and practicing it yourself. I've only gotten through the first scene so far, but left an admittedly copious amount of comments in the doc. That should hopefully give you enough to think about and work on for the time being.

what is considered a weak verb ?

Nah I know you aren't; it's painful to read and yah I am slightly discouraged but I am not upset cause I know what you are trying to say is only to help me out as a writer.

English has always been a weak subject for me when it comes to writing and such like that but I have one other piece of work I did as a sample and see if it is the same feeling as this or not please cause this one was written all at once and with some inspiration behind it as well

Amber sample

Used as a sample for a piece of content if you choose to do the standard cure and choose to go back to around where you first meet Amber. Seno will be used in place of MC just for the testing purposes of writing ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------...

docs.google.com

 

[ExxWhy]

what is considered a weak verb ?

Basically, any of the really common verbs we don't even think about. The most notorious one is "to be," or its forms like "was, is, were," etc. Instead of using easy, common verbs like those constantly, spice up your writing with words that have more action and interest behind them. I.e., the difference between:

"There was a loud commotion coming from the bar. Many people were hoping to see what was going on."

versus:

"A loud commotion came from the bar. Many people hoped to see what was going on."

The only difference between those sentences is replacing "was" and "were" with the other verbs in the sentence, "coming" and "hoping." Also notice that despite using "hoping" in the first sentence, putting the "were" before it sounds a more passive and overall worse. He's a site I found that can probably explain it in much more detail than I can: https://gsediting.com/2020/04/26/how-to-avoid-weak-verbs-in-your-writing/ . There are others, but the bare basics is that if you have two verbs in a sentence talking about the same thing, you can almost certainly drop one of them. The article goes over weak verbs, and also gets into the golden rule of writing: show, don't tell.

I unfortunately don't have the time currently to look through the other doc at the moment, but I'll be sure to give it a glance once I can. Like I said before, it's all about practice and really about toughing it out and slogging through the endless number of edits before you have a final product you're happy with.

 

[WritingDen]

Basically, any of the really common verbs we don't even think about. The most notorious one is "to be," or its forms like "was, is, were," etc. Instead of using easy, common verbs like those constantly, spice up your writing with words that have more action and interest behind them. I.e., the difference between:

"There was a loud commotion coming from the bar. Many people were hoping to see what was going on."

versus:

"A loud commotion came from the bar. Many people hoped to see what was going on."

The only difference between those sentences is replacing "was" and "were" with the other verbs in the sentence, "coming" and "hoping." Also notice that despite using "hoping" in the first sentence, putting the "were" before it sounds a more passive and overall worse. He's a site I found that can probably explain it in much more detail than I can: https://gsediting.com/2020/04/26/how-to-avoid-weak-verbs-in-your-writing/ . There are others, but the bare basics is that if you have two verbs in a sentence talking about the same thing, you can almost certainly drop one of them. The article goes over weak verbs, and also gets into the golden rule of writing: show, don't tell.

I unfortunately don't have the time currently to look through the other doc at the moment, but I'll be sure to give it a glance once I can. Like I said before, it's all about practice and really about toughing it out and slogging through the endless number of edits before you have a final product you're happy with.

gotcha i'll try to look it over and get back to rewriting the stuff in the near future.

that's fine I am not expecting so now I just want to get more reference points up for viewing cause people can get a sense for my 'flow' if that makes sense

 

[ExxWhy]

Alright, finally got through the sample scene. I tried to focus just on stuff like tone and style, though I might have instinctually corrected some grammar as well. Overall, I think you have a good base here that just needs more development to really come into its own. Just a couple of general notes:

Commas are your friend. Use them to break up complex sentences, it makes them flow much better.

Use more descriptive language in your writing. That means both describing what's happening or what things look like rather than telling, but also using a wider variety of words. Usually, the more specific the word you use (i.e. the difference between 'walk " and "hobble;" one gives the reader a much better picture of how the character moves), the more complex and well-developed your writing feels.

This is the hardest part: developing your tone. I can sit here all day and tell you how I would do things, but you aren't me and I'm not you. Only you can write in your own tone, and the only way to find it is practice. Additionally, reading other peoples' work can give lots of ideas on how to use language, and what you like and don't like about writing style. So I'd suggest looking at some of the scenes already in the game more closely than usual, see what those writers did with their style, and pick out what you like. Each stylistic choice you make (things like word choice and sentence structure) develop your tone more and more.

There's also a good "On Writing" post by Wsan tacked to the top of this forum section that can give a more detailed look at the process behind writing. I'll warn you, your level of commitment is directly proportional to the quality of your work. It takes time and effort to develop skill.

Anyways, hope this helped give you some idea of what to do going forward. Like I said, I think you have a nice foundation right now, and you just need to keep practicing and honing your craft. If this all sounds like you don't have the time to devote to it, then you most likely don't and that's completely fine. But if you really want to improve your writing skills, it just takes determination and practice.

 

[SeriousBlueJewel]

I think the reviewers want the text to be at least 12pt Arial

 

[WritingDen]

I think the reviewers want the text to be at least 12pt Arial

understood I changed it

 

[WritingDen]

edited based on all the feed back I have gotten thus far. Probably can use more proof reading before I tempt to submit it

 

[Marsa]

edited based on all the feed back I have gotten thus far. Probably can use more proof reading before I tempt to submit it

Eyy man for your first time this so FREAKING CUTE thank you for the submission and giving our resident centaur love

edit deertaur