Well, I can tell you that longer part of the wait would definitely be the review/accepting process. Assuming that happens, I'd be more than glad to jump on coding her as soon as possible!
I like her, shes well written.
Will it be possible to give her mods eventually? Its kind of hinted at with the > 10 Thigh Fuck scene, specifically the "Just imagine if you could fit this inside of you," you tease, attacking her clit again. "You're missing out." part.
That scenes really hot, and it would be even hotter if it led to Evening using mods to make it a reality.
Maaaaaaybe. I haven't decided yet. Like Sheeptaur said, getting the good ending of her quest would make just a tiny bit more willing to use mods, but I haven't put too much thought into exactly which ones she'd be okay with. I should probably write her quest first before I consider that. And before that, I should probably get her approved. And then I'd have to write her follower material as a whole...
I will say minor mods that don't affect her appearance greatly should be more easily accepted by her, so EasyFit is a prime candidate for that...
I was contemplating using Zephyr in a Treatment-based story, but Wsan (who I thought was the author) tole me it was actually Savin who made her. I haven't gotten around to DMing him because I've been thinking about how if there really were an underground railway sneaking kids off-planet, and if Evening really had helped in an operation before, that she maybe wouldn't drunkenly let this fact slip and put the operation at risk. Especially if Steele is Treated. So I may put that on the backburner.
This sounds like it would make for a good crew interaction event between Evening and crew member Reaha. (after you've helped her with her patch addiction)
By the time Evening joins your crew she'd obviously trust you a lot, and seeing how you helped Reaha get out of debt slavery and break her addiction would only reinforce that trust. I could see Steele finding Reaha swapping war stories from her time in the military with Evening, which would eventually lead to how Reaha joined up after she had to run away from home to avoid being treated, which would prompt Evening to tell the two of you about her story.
Also, in Reaha's talk scenes she mentions that she has a younger sister who hasn't been treated yet and that she worries she might not want to be treated and about what might happen to her when she turns eighteen, which to me always hinted that a future quest for Reaha might involve getting her sister off New Texas before that happens. Finding out about that could definitely prompt Evening into talking about the railroad too, and maybe even helping in that quest if it ever gets made.
Maaaaaaybe. I haven't decided yet. Like Sheeptaur said, getting the good ending of her quest would make just a tiny bit more willing to use mods, but I haven't put too much thought into exactly which ones she'd be okay with. I should probably write her quest first before I consider that. And before that, I should probably get her approved. And then I'd have to write her follower material as a whole...
I will say minor mods that don't affect her appearance greatly should be more easily accepted by her, so EasyFit is a prime candidate for that...
Not gonna lie when I first saw the thread title I thought she was gonna be some kind of sandbox NPC that you could eventually mod in loads of different ways (TiTs doesn't really have an NPC like that yet as far as I know) and she sounded like a good blank slate.
But after reading the doc that doesn't seem too likely, unless something drastic happens to her. Still it would be nice if she opened up to a few mods. Is a futa option too much? I think she has a good personality for it.
Anyway good work so far and good luck on getting her approved, she seems popular enough!
Not gonna lie when I first saw the thread title I thought she was gonna be some kind of sandbox NPC that you could eventually mod in loads of different ways (TiTs doesn't really have an NPC like that yet as far as I know) and she sounded like a good blank slate.
But after reading the doc that doesn't seem too likely, unless something drastic happens to her.
You mean someone like Bess/Ben? They would be the closest equivalent to what you're talking about I think.
I suppose it's possible there could be a "bad" outcome/corruption path for Evening where she becomes a mod addict or something but I don't know if Ace is interested in writing, or even allowing someone else to write, that kind of content for Evening seeing as the whole point of her is to round out the TiTS cast with a tomboyish pure human love interest/follower. If she does get a "bad" version it might just be her with a more nihilistic and promiscuous attitude and maybe some drug use options. Less "tomboy" and more "trouble making bad girl".
This sounds like it would make for a good crew interaction event between Evening and crew member Reaha. (after you've helped her with her patch addiction)
By the time Evening joins your crew she'd obviously trust you a lot, and seeing how you helped Reaha get out of debt slavery and break her addiction would only reinforce that trust. I could see Steele finding Reaha swapping war stories from her time in the military with Evening, which would eventually lead to how Reaha joined up after she had to run away from home to avoid being treated, which would prompt Evening to tell the two of you about her story.
Also, in Reaha's talk scenes she mentions that she has a younger sister who hasn't been treated yet and that she worries she might not want to be treated and about what might happen to her when she turns eighteen, which to me always hinted that a future quest for Reaha might involve getting her sister off New Texas before that happens. Finding out about that could definitely prompt Evening into talking about the railroad too, and maybe even helping in that quest if it ever gets made.
That's actually a way better idea than just having the concept cameo in a short story. I'm def stealing that. It also means I can hold off on having to write it in this phase, lol. Maybe once she's coded into the game I'll ask Savin about it.
Also, Malidica is right on the nose when he says HL is more likely. In fact, that was one of the first scenes to come to mind when I first considered her follower content. You'll definitely be able to give her a pair of HL-supported underwear and get some scenes out of that, but she doesn't strike me as the kind of person to go futa. She'd probably hate having to walk around with it all day, and the bulge would freak her out. How is she supposed to wear tight leather pants that way???
As for the bad end: I can say with certainty that I'm not interested in going into a 'corruption' path for her. Partly because that'd be super dark and I'm not sure if I'd have the guts to write it, and partly because Bizzy already fulfills the role of 'flat-chested girl you can give mods to so she'll suit your tastes better', so I don't feel the need to repeat that. The bad end of her quest would actually result in her going more anti-mod; she'd probably become some kind of intergalactic terrorist dedicated to destroying any corporations that have anything to do with mods. Like Batman, but not male, bat-themed, and with less shades of vigilante justice and more indiscriminate lashing out to make herself feel better.
Lol. I was considering having her be completely new to them, so the first couple times you access the scene, it changes as she gets the hang of using them. I just feel it's more interesting that way.
Lol. I was considering having her be completely new to them, so the first couple times you access the scene, it changes as she gets the hang of using them. I just feel it's more interesting that way.
I feel like the first time you lend her a pair she should give it back bashfully afterwards, but then each time she's more reluctant to give them back until finally she caves and buys her own pair, but not just any pair. I feel like somehow Evening's "gun lust" should also translate to HL panties, like she starts doing furious research on them and becomes a connoisseur once she gets interested in them, so the pair she buys are some kind of super tricked out custom modded affair that she can't wait to show off to you.
And then it's like this scene
but with a strap on.
Evening *revealing her new hardlight panties* : "Do I have your attention Steele?
Steele *nervously* : "K-Kind of going to extremes here ain't we?"
Evening: "There's times I don't think you take me seriously. I think that ought to change."
Evening: "This is a Kiha Corp Double S "Boyfriend Breaker" Special Edition with a modified tactile sense upload suite, full bore variable speed vibration system, and a 1600% photon density weave mesh."
Evening: "This is the best damn strap-on made by man...I call her Vera."
partly because Bizzy already fulfills the role of 'flat-chested girl you can give mods to so she'll suit your tastes better', so I don't feel the need to repeat that.
I was thinking a bit more broad than that like different race mods and cock options/size etc. But like Sheep said that probably unlikely unless you go a corrupt route which sounds out of the question.
New Lol. I was considering having her be completely new to them, so the first couple times you access the scene, it changes as she gets the hang of using them. I just feel it's more interesting that way.
Okay, after adding some variations for her morning after scenes and tweaking some other stuff, her written content is pretty much done, and I also added stats in anticipation to having her join you in combat when the time to write her quest rolls around. The last thing left that I was considering adding was an option to play darts with her in the bar. It'd run off of aim, and you'd be able to bet credits, and maybe get the option to take pointers from her in the event of a loss with a small chance of raising your aim stat?
The thing is, I don't understand how playing darts works... the rules seem weirdly complicated considering you're just supposed to throw a dart at a target.
The thing is, I don't understand how playing darts works... the rules seem weirdly complicated considering you're just supposed to throw a dart at a target.
For the game mechanics themselves I would say reflexes and aim should influence the score you get. Having those stats higher would let you obtain a better hit, like the bullseye or the triple 20 score..........most of my recent dart knowledge came from the dart minigame in FFVII -_-'
Okay, after adding some variations for her morning after scenes and tweaking some other stuff, her written content is pretty much done, and I also added stats in anticipation to having her join you in combat when the time to write her quest rolls around. The last thing left that I was considering adding was an option to play darts with her in the bar. It'd run off of aim, and you'd be able to bet credits, and maybe get the option to take pointers from her in the event of a loss with a small chance of raising your aim stat?
The thing is, I don't understand how playing darts works... the rules seem weirdly complicated considering you're just supposed to throw a dart at a target.
First off though, this is the future man! On an alien planet! Who says they're playing Terran darts? Every species that ever invented alcohol probably has their own version or specific rules for playing darts. You can make up whatever you want and just say that it's a Leithan dartboard or that you're playing by the New Brisbane rules for darts.
My first idea is the Leithan Dartboard. Which is just an electronic dart board with an exotic shape, maybe it's made up of differently sized and shaped triangles or made of two overlapping circles in a venn diagram since Leithans have twin pupils in their eyes. However you describe it, it's electronic because the point values change and move around on it during the game. This would let you use either intelligence or reflex to augment your aim score, in the sense that you're either clearing your mind and trusting in your reflexes to hit an unpredictable target or you're using your intelligence to learn the patterns of the board and predict where your target is going be before you throw.
My second idea isn't really darts so much as it's a shooting gallery with throwing weapons, but mechanically it works the same and it leans into the whole "pirate bar" thing The Crash Landing has going. Basically, using the same kind of hardlight projecting drones the bar uses for it's pool balls, they fly around in front of an empty section of wall at the back of the bar and project hardlight targets that you and Evening would take turns throwing different kinds of harmless hardlight generated weapons at. Things like throwing knives, throwing axes, shurikens, and hardlight pool ball drones (for humorous effects). You could even lean into the anti-Zaibatsu sentiment in the bar by having the targets be pictures of Zaibatsu executives or security forces.
I have written up a darts system with options for Terran, Gryvain, and Zaika darts. Each game uses aim, aim + intelligence, and aim + reflexes respectively, with varying outcomes depending on what game you pick and whether your win or lose. Fun easter egg: if you pick Terran darts and eat shit, Evening takes so much pity on you that she doesn't take the credits you bet and gives you a few pointers instead. +1 to your aim, -1000 to your ego, lol.
With this, I think I've reach the end of writing her initial encounter content! I may go back and edit for quality purposes, but otherwise I have no other ideas to add to this submission. That being said, I am already thinking of her follower content, if you know what I mean.
Sad update: Evening's been rejected, not because of a lack of writing quality, but because the fact that her content is centered around her wariness of mods makes it conflict directly with the tone of the game. Honestly, this is what I was afraid of the most, because it means a core characteristic of hers is unsuitable for the core point of the game itself. It means I'll have to heavily expand and rewrite a lot of her stuff, and I won't be able to submit her until Fen opens up the queue again. Which may be a while.
So, almost a worst case scenario here, but hey, I'm not in a rush. I graduate university soon, but the pandemic is eternal...
Also he said the sex scenes are fine and I had the idea to add 2-3 more of them before I realized I wouldn't get them done by the time the doc was reviewed, so I guess you'll have a lot of new material to look forward to.
Yes, it actually kind of distressing. I have the time to fix this, but I also want to get it 'fixed' as quickly as possible despite not knowing exactly how to do that. I think I'm going to take a few days to get my head on straight before I actually touch the doc.
Fen's main points were:
Tonally, she doesn't really fit. The incessant ranting about mods and instant shutdowns of any sort of lewd-enjoying discussions really doesn't fit with a game built on the idea of having tons of casual, sex-infused content and freely available body modification. Her mother's tragic mod story is a perfectly acceptable backstory for why she doesn't do mods herself, but to have most of her non-sex content come across as ceaseless indictments of a core aspect of the game's content doesn't sit well with me.
Aside from a the glaring issues like Victor's number of children, there's a fair amount of subtle shaming for him not being involved in your upbringing, a big emotional scene that dwells overmuch on mods cutting his life short when he was already far past natural incredihealthy human lifespans. Not only is Victor the protagonist for the start of the game, he's supposed to have been the best/nicest/most "good" of the megacorp CEOs out there and built a company that you'd actually want to inherit. Making him a 100% selfish absentee dad that dumped you on a nursebot doesn't sit right with the game I'm trying to make.
TL;DR: Sex scenes are worthy of being on the codepile but her non-sex content feels too much of an extended argument against the nature of the game than an exploration of her own character
My issue is more with every other talk conversation revolving around how mods are bad
She's a bounty hunter / PI / fixer? For some reason she was on Tank Kannon's porn set as a runner, somehow, and the whole thing is just her complaining about how dumb mods are.
So what I'm planning to do about it is:
The point about Victor is just my mistake about assuming he was an absentee dad. Oops. I'll just edit the relevant paragraphs to reflect that he was actually around and a good dad to Steele. Shouldn't be an issue.
Her ambiguous vocation confused him, which I get because I initially wrote her as a bounty hunter but then the idea of her getting involved in different shenanigans in the name of paying the bills got away from me. I'll probably edit her 'about' talk option to make it clear straight off the bat that she doesn't really have a steady employment of any kind, but instead just picks up whatever she can. I'll probably have to remove every mention of her actually being a bounty hunter by profession.
He said her backstory was fine as a reason for why she doesn't use mods, so I can probably leave those.
The bigger issue is her general treatment of mods, so I'm going to have to add a lot of content that is more positive towards them, and/or edit her existing material to look at both sides of them more evenly. So for her Tank Kannon story, where it's just her ranting about giant dicks (arguably not my finest work), I'm thinking that instead of cutting that story short Steele can educate her on all the interesting things mods can do to your junk and make her blush harder than a boiled lobster. I also need to emphasize that she'll take a lot of jobs she won't necessarily like for the credits, and that she's more of a jack-of-all-trades than anything else. Other than that, I'm planning on adding more stories as well, so hopefully the 'mods can be good' stories outnumber or are at least even with the 'mods are bad' stories so it's not as negatively skewed.
The hardest problem to solve is that she doesn't seem to have a personality beyond being a mouthpiece about mods, so how do I go about fleshing out her character in a way that doesn't revolve around them? Idk I'm worried she might be more a collection of character traits than a more fully realized personality.
I need guidance more than ever now, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated lol. I'll probably get to rewriting her stuff in early September.
Yes, it actually kind of distressing. I have the time to fix this, but I also want to get it 'fixed' as quickly as possible despite not knowing exactly how to do that. I think I'm going to take a few days to get my head on straight before I actually touch the doc.
Fen's main points were:
Tonally, she doesn't really fit. The incessant ranting about mods and instant shutdowns of any sort of lewd-enjoying discussions really doesn't fit with a game built on the idea of having tons of casual, sex-infused content and freely available body modification. Her mother's tragic mod story is a perfectly acceptable backstory for why she doesn't do mods herself, but to have most of her non-sex content come across as ceaseless indictments of a core aspect of the game's content doesn't sit well with me.
Aside from a the glaring issues like Victor's number of children, there's a fair amount of subtle shaming for him not being involved in your upbringing, a big emotional scene that dwells overmuch on mods cutting his life short when he was already far past natural incredihealthy human lifespans. Not only is Victor the protagonist for the start of the game, he's supposed to have been the best/nicest/most "good" of the megacorp CEOs out there and built a company that you'd actually want to inherit. Making him a 100% selfish absentee dad that dumped you on a nursebot doesn't sit right with the game I'm trying to make.
TL;DR: Sex scenes are worthy of being on the codepile but her non-sex content feels too much of an extended argument against the nature of the game than an exploration of her own character
My issue is more with every other talk conversation revolving around how mods are bad
She's a bounty hunter / PI / fixer? For some reason she was on Tank Kannon's porn set as a runner, somehow, and the whole thing is just her complaining about how dumb mods are.
So what I'm planning to do about it is:
The point about Victor is just my mistake about assuming he was an absentee dad. Oops. I'll just edit the relevant paragraphs to reflect that he was actually around and a good dad to Steele. Shouldn't be an issue.
Her ambiguous vocation confused him, which I get because I initially wrote her as a bounty hunter but then the idea of her getting involved in different shenanigans in the name of paying the bills got away from me. I'll probably edit her 'about' talk option to make it clear straight off the bat that she doesn't really have a steady employment of any kind, but instead just picks up whatever she can. I'll probably have to remove every mention of her actually being a bounty hunter by profession.
He said her backstory was fine as a reason for why she doesn't use mods, so I can probably leave those.
The bigger issue is her general treatment of mods, so I'm going to have to add a lot of content that is more positive towards them, and/or edit her existing material to look at both sides of them more evenly. So for her Tank Kannon story, where it's just her ranting about giant dicks (arguably not my finest work), I'm thinking that instead of cutting that story short Steele can educate her on all the interesting things mods can do to your junk and make her blush harder than a boiled lobster. I also need to emphasize that she'll take a lot of jobs she won't necessarily like for the credits, and that she's more of a jack-of-all-trades than anything else. Other than that, I'm planning on adding more stories as well, so hopefully the 'mods can be good' stories outnumber or are at least even with the 'mods are bad' stories so it's not as negatively skewed.
The hardest problem to solve is that she doesn't seem to have a personality beyond being a mouthpiece about mods, so how do I go about fleshing out her character in a way that doesn't revolve around them? Idk I'm worried she might be more a collection of character traits than a more fully realized personality.
I need guidance more than ever now, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated lol. I'll probably get to rewriting her stuff in early September.
I had a feeling that you wouldn’t get in the first time, so here’s my take:
On Victor and the PC’s backstory
Be vague about it. Don’t dictate how Victor or the PC lived their life. Basically, every player likes to view their own character’s background, especially if it’s in a customizable open world game. It’s also a huge lore bit that it’s best avoided since you can easily get the wrong points like you just did with Victor and the player’s mom.
If you want the player to explain their story, do it like this:
“You explain Evening about your heritage, your father and your whole mission to get the probes before your cousin does.”
That way the player can interpret it as they please without them getting conflicted about their own view with their Steele. Putting too many words (like the dialogue of the player) into the player’s mouth is a big no-no and will leave a very bad after taste if you keep making assumptions about their character. If it’s about a certain personality, that’s fine, but to voice all Steeles with your own takes over and over is too much. That’s what I noticed a lot in your doc.
Mods
You know, this was one of my very first mistakes I did with Stella Luna until Nonesuch called me out on this. I’m talking about making the character a main focus on something they hate so much, it becomes deafening. Take my word, just leave her grudge about mods in the mod talk. Don’t pull it out anywhere else. Also, don’t make her hate people who use mods in the first place, especially with that Tank Kanon bit. That’s exactly what Riya does to aliens and look at the backlash that NPC got. Just make her say that she doesn’t like mods and will never use them ever. That’s it, nothing more. Don’t pile on the negativity or it’ll overflow all over the main content.
Jobs
You need to concept more on her field of work. It seems you don’t have a clear idea of what her job is. She is more of a freelancer or volunteer since she takes up any offerings she sees.
That's really excellent feedback, thank you so much!
I'll probably just cut down on any mention of victor or the PC's upbringing and keep it short and vague, like you said. I wanted to elaborate for the sake of detail, not because it was particularly important beyond both Steele and Evening having a parent that was negatively affected by mods. That and mention that Victor still got a good 200+ years of life before he finally kicked the bucket.
The biggest issue with the doc seems to be the Tank Kannon story, because that's the most out of place one and the only one where she actively rants about mods outside of her mods/family talk options. So I'll just delete it outright. It's not worth the trouble trying to fix it. Outside of that story and her 'herself' option, I don't think she talks too negatively about the people who use mods rather than the mods themselves... I'll reread the doc to be sure.
That was also the most out of place dialogue option given her profession, and leaning into the 'jack-of-all-trades' option seems like it'll just confuse people further, so I'll have to pick something definitive and stick with it. Her actual jobs seem to be more mercenary based, because she takes jobs as people hire her, not by picking jobs off a bounty hunter board, so probably that.
Exams are done, time to write filthy space porn. Changes I've made since I last spoke:
Deleted the Tank Kannon story. Not my best work.
Added two new stories. I plan to add at least one more. That'll be 2 mod-related stories vs. 4 unrelated ones, which I think balances it out enough for approval.
Evening is just a mercenary now. Sadly a very two-bit one.
I'm working through the notes Fen left. Almost done with them, I think.
Added two new talk options: Gunplay, where you can ask if she can do cool twirly things with her guns, and "Gunplay", which is something completely different. Hope they come off as funny.
Fen said as long as I fix the Victor backstory stuff and just add more non-mod related content, I should be good for a resubmit. I fear the new material I've added is lacking in quality, so I'll probably go back and touch them up a bit too. Feel free to read and critique. Don't worry, I've grown used to the feeling of failure.
Once I get the above done I'll probably expand the sex scene options while I wait for submissions to open. I don't think I have enough for females, so I suppose that'll be first.
And then I'd have to write her follower material as a whole...
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