2019 - The Year To Date
If, last year, you were to ask me what I was thinking going into 2019, I would have not given you a good answer. That's because 2018 was my life's Danse Macabre. I came into writing full-time on a lark, because I had nowhere else to turn to in the middle of a dour period. I did everything I was doing in a bid to give back somewhere, to find meaning. I truly thought nothing would come of it - if I could enjoy doing something, give it even the slightest audience, it was enough. So, it's not wrong to say that being able to garner support for writing erotica saved my life. Not once but twice, the latter being very literal.
Both times are thanks to Fenoxo. For me to be here now... I consider it a pendulous swing of luck. Every day that goes by, I think about what he and Savin have done for me, enabled me to do. What their platforms have given me. That day last June gave me my reason to strive. I was able to cut my teeth for real as a writer. I was able to earn enough to make the year survivable, for me and my family.
I became obsessively engaged with the community as a result. Not to build a brand or recognition, that wasn't the focus. I was desperate to share everything I was feeling. I threw myself into more and more work just for the sake of it, not worrying about anything. Rat's Raiders exist because of that.
2018, and initially in 2019, the months were work for the sake of it, and for the joy it brought me. Those darn rabbits - Jumpers! They weren't my original inspiration to write, y'know. That was Kiyoko in CoC2 - just her art, mind. TiTS didn't have a foxy lady like her, and I wanted to try making one. Big mistake, as you know, ha ha. Then there was the Shock Hopper, L.D.C.,
laquine pregnancy... and Roxy. Reviving Roxy gave me Leila. It kinda stirs me when I look back on that. If I hadn't of talked to SheepPun, I would never have gotten a concept for Leila. And I'd never have gotten all the art I was able to.
I tell you this because transparency matters to me.
Digression aside, that brings us to 2019. If my first several months as a smut producer were characterized by enthusiasm... then 2019 was characterized, entirely, by learning, and coping with this shift in my life.
Overtime it became clear that I had found a place for myself. That I would be... well, wanted. I can't really think of how else to phrase that. I was able to produce, to create - all I've ever wanted. Naturally, my thoughts turned to self-improvement. No-one should want to stagnate, right? In a lot of my oldest content, Fen had suggested much for me, made some changes, told me how better to do X Y Z. I took it all to heart. My sin was and still must be an over-informative prose; too many words where paucity would be better. Recently, one of the pieces of advice I was given was this:
"The point I want to stress is that language is about conveying as much about a situation with as few words as possible."
Around the mid-point of 2019, around the time Roo Crew was commissioned, around the time I was suffering an extreme oral complication, I wanted to turn myself to improvement. I tried to be introspective, read as much as I could of others, especially those whose works I thought resonated a lot with mine. After my treatment I began to struggle with myself. With learning to cope with being useful in a market with an insatiable, bottomless appetite. Seeking to improve while creating, while attempting to keep myself afloat, while conceiving and completing huge projects has certainly taken its toll on me. I really can't hide that. Writing and then trying to edit it on my lonesome, while casting a critical eye on everything I did - it seemed so wrong and inadequate compared to who I was learning from.
That was what started to hinder me; it does still gnaw at me. Following these growing pains, some personal issues arose. I will not speak the details of them, but several moments this year linger with me. They hurt me, deeply. Made me question my place even further. They weren't related to writing, but they happened in such close proximity that the weight did become too much for me, and the stress swallowed up at least a month of my time. It was very hard to continue from that point, and my concerns with quality and presentation - everything I was doing - they were exacerbated.
Over the year I'd made promises and had been late keeping them. CoC2 commissions, other projects. I had made even more plans earlier in the year, which I've only gotten to now, for example. My enthusiasm was being replaced with anxiety. Most of September to now has been a slow pickup, which are, as you might have guessed, compounded by my continual lack of progress in other things. Roo Crew. Rodenian TF. They've seen advancement, the latter especially, but not enough. Those two things are my greatest obligations now. And there's so much more. More Jumper content - finish the Gang. Bianca. The Rat's Raiders hideout; Mikhail too. Leila and Reina. There's a reason after my bun sisters are done I will not be conceptualizing any persistent NPC in the future. The underlying urge and complex I have to do the best I can, at the quality and pace I've tried to maintain, is untenable.
Despite all of these things, I've still been very fortunate. The generous, enduring support through Patreon, for one. My darkest moments were when I fell behind on content promised by the pledges. Definitely wounded me. But more than that...
...Going into 2020, I want the year to be characterized by real change.
Even after all the hardship, I've been given an opportunity that may bear fruit next year - I won't say anything about it yet, just in case. But if it comes through, it means I'll be able to take care of myself properly. It could mean I'll have someone resembling a mentor, and someone to work more closely with as well.
I also want to change my habits, if but gradually. Too many times I've been lazy and distracted. I spend as much time engaging the community as I have writing. I have all the time in my days to work. I want to be able to devote more time to it, step back from my social vices some. I want to do something, even if it means endeavoring for consistent streaming, so that my supporters will see more consistent work. Something to improve my work ethic. Right now, it's been all too-large projects. Great undertakings, almost completely alone and full of so much doubt.
Admittedly, I am scared of the future, because I'm not comfortable with myself. However, what's happened up to this point, what I've seen endure where I haven't... you have all given me an incredible opportunity that I am guilty of squandering to some extent. I know I need to change, and be better.
That is my resolution.
For now, just for the last 48 hours of this year, I'd like to work on Leila some more. January 2020, if my productivity in December can be sustained... I want it to be the first sign of improvement.
Thank you. Every one of you.
And, to the new year.
