Typos and Etc 2: Electric Boogaloo!

[PanzerGuitar00]

maybe remove the highlighted first section and then combine the two sentences, as well as changing puppet to puppets and removing the "a"


Debris and broken metal litter the ground after your fight with the leyak cyborgs. The enslaved aliens are out of commission but their metallic exoskeletons still twitch from time to time. The clawed limbs crackle a second before limply falling down like a stringless puppet.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

Maybe change to "desperate struggle"

It wasn’t torn by arachnoid limbs in a fight for life nor blasted by a lucky shot.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

forgot to italicize it here

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[PanzerGuitar00]

change to "floats down to the console"

Dabbebieth floats down the console and slides the magnetic card into the receiver.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

forgot to italicize it here

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View attachment 42115

ditto

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[PanzerGuitar00]

change to punishment

For some reason, something blocks her punishments and termination subroutines.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

change to the word three

Slowly, she opens one of the video files from day 3.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

maybe change to "turns her display off" or "turns her visor off" or "puts her visor up" or something along those lines

The purple cyborg turns her display down and turns around.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

maybe add "in the present day" at the end order to better indicate what is occoring and help readers make the mental connections at a cursury glance

She then traces hash lines on her arms and legs where her stubs now dock with her prosthetics.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

maybe remove this section and change "grins" to "sneers"

Paulette grins, mostly to show her fangs, pure wrath in her eyes.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

maybe replace "runs" with "plays", and change the last bit to "covers her eyes and upper face"


“No idea,” Paulette murmurs, shaking. She runs the next video. This time, the screen shows a dismembered Paulette plunged in green liquid, sockets where her limbs used to be. She’s wearing a bubbling rebreather and hundreds of tubes pierce her skin. A heavy helmet covers her upper face, hiding her face entirely.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

There has been no previous mention of a lever, nor any metals or colorful liquids, so maybe change the first "the" to "a" and remove the second one

also, i dont think "sippling" is a word. I think they meant "rippling"? idk, dealers choice on this.


She pulls the lever down, allowing the sippling metal and colorful liquids to flow freely down the tubes. The feed abruptly cuts a moment later.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

ditto

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anotha one

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[PanzerGuitar00]

also the inverse issue i think with one of the other lab names

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[PanzerGuitar00]

for the first part, maybe change to "It’s a miracle she didn’t burst into tears or lose it completely." Afterwards, start a new paragraph in order to keep distinction from her breakdown and the general creepiness of the place. lastly, add "it's" in front of "as" and that should wrap this one up.


You can only imagine how it feels to return to the very room where you were mutilated, brainwashed, and turned into a cybernetic weapon. It’s a miracle she didn’t burst into tears or lose it. This place gives you the creeps, too. The white, pristine walls and cool, dry air feel so out of place — as if this room didn’t belong in this world. It’s gnawing at your mind, assaulting your sanity with its cold, baleful aura.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

maybe replace the colon with a space and put mission orders and quotes

You take your place at the desk again and install it into your Codex. A lone file named:Mission orders pops on the screen. Puzzled, you open the file and start reading.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

this may just be me being a dumbass but i cant recall there being mention of a runaway scientist prior to this, so this may need to be tweaked a bit

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[PanzerGuitar00]

anotha one

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View attachment 42117

again

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[PanzerGuitar00]

again

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View attachment 42120

and again

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[PanzerGuitar00]

and two more you know what fuck it you get the point just double check all of them to be sure.

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[PanzerGuitar00]

change to drawer

“Here we go! The mne-...monic shacklesies are stored inside an inert drawers. Do you know which model you are looking for? It’ll make the research easier.”

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

change "souvenirs" to "memories", not sure why they used that word there but whatever. And for the two highlighted sentences, give an indication of who is speaking, because as is i legitimately cant tell if its meaant to be steele, paulette, or Dabby.



Dabbebieth nods. “If Dr. Ovvi Hellitrix created you, then maybe she kept your stored souvenirs too.”

The puzzled zaika tilts her head. “You want me to look up my name? Alright!”

She types on the keyboard and sends a request. A few moments later, her mnemonic shackle’s location comes up. “Yours was downloaded into the Main Lab’s mainframe?”

“If she were Dr. Hellitrix’s trusted assistant, then it makes sense that she kept the data close at hand, in case she needed to alter her memory.”

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

replace "away from" with "towards".

there had been no previous mention of getting smacked with telekinetic force, so maybe change "another" to "a"

replace "chances" with "chance", and add end quotes at the very end, and that wraps this one up.




She raises her fingers, a wicked smile on her face. Without warning, an icicle flies a few inches away from you at high speed before burying itself deep inside the wall. Stars, that was close!

“I didn’t expect visitors. You must be very tough if you beat Strict-9 and my cyborg pawns. Unfortunately, your little trip through the E.G.G. ends here. Soon, you’ll be added to my toys.”

Another telepathic whiplash strikes you square in the chest. “You won’t take us down that easily,” you shoot back.

The floating vulpatra grunts. “You little pest! I’m lucky you brought the brainless nurse and the blue jellyfish with you. Without them, I’d have no chances against your GU. Their brains are completely fucked over by drugs and neuronal reprogramming... a tangled mess for us telepaths. Fortunately, I have other ways to break you!”

Paulette screams as Zero Plus and Dabbebieth double down on her. The leyak shakily holds her against the wall while the bimbo doctor tries to sedate your crewmate. If she doesn’t free herself quickly, you’ll be surrounded!

“It’s over, give up!” Sci’Koh wails directly into your head. “This vessel and its secrets are mine!

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

typo in the tooltip for the Physical barrier status, change "fly" to "is flying"

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[PanzerGuitar00]

change "reluctantly" to "relentlessly"

You finger, milk, suck, and pound at your leisure, enjoying this all-you-can-fuck buffet as greedily as your lovers enjoy your divine flesh. They peck, lap, squeeze, and hug you reluctantly, not giving you a second of respite.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

change in to into and nests to rests


With her telepathic grasp gone, Zero Plus and Dabbebieth weakly drop in Paulette’s arms. She nests them against a downed table before deploying her wings.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

Maybe change "knot" to something else, thats not a very good point of reference for size on its own. In addition, remove the highlighted "didn't" as well as also maybe "during the fight".

You slowly thrust in-and-out, appreciating Sci’Koh’s tightness while Paulette struggles to get her knot-sized bulb in. The purple cyborg’s rougher and meaner than you - she didn’t evidently didn’t take what Sci’Koh did to Dabbebieth and Zero Plus during the fight well. She wouldn’t be this harsh and merciless if the merc had just hurt her — she’s used to being attacked, to fight tooth and nail for her life — but not them.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

change "yiff" to "yips", and maybe also change "headset" here to something else, cuz at this point its not a headset anymore, though this is more of a nitpick


“I’ll tie her down nonetheless. Short brats never know when to quit,” she retorts, reaching for stray plastic cables. She takes the cum-soaked foxgirl and sits her on a metal chair. She then reaches for her earphones. The former XO removes the savicite dildoes from the muffs, dips them in cum, turns them upside down, and jams them into Sci’Koh’s pussy and asshole. The fluffy shortstack yiffs meekly as the tapered bitchbreakers plug the wrong set of tight holes. Finally, Paulette ties her arms and legs to the chair, checking each rope twice before making sure that the ribbed headset rests against the seat and won’t slip out.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

Oh boy... ok honestly like half this scene needs some adjustment, namely the first half, in which its almost impossible to tell exactly who is speaking.

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[PanzerGuitar00]

The first 2/3 of this paragraph honestly feels a bit rough, though i cant really put my finger on why or how to fix it, sorry. ill leave it up to your discretion

Paulette recovers a gasmask-like faceplate and fits it over Sci’Koh’s face. She connects it to a two gallon canister of water with a rubber funnel and turns the valve on. The clear liquid slowly drips in the telepath’s mouth, soothing her sore throat and fiery mind one drop at a time.