[Submitted] Jarrok, the Bimbo Bandit

[kleinerpolterghast]

Hello this is my first time posting here, so please tell me if I'm doing something wrong, so I can stop being that way in the future.

I did a thing! It's a new enemy intended for the Frostwood, but I can change it if so desired. The elevator pitch is, that Jarrok was formerly a big strong manly bandit, but got turned into a bimbo. His mind is still manly and mean, but he is starting to slip into becoming more of a bimbo. The appeal is supposed to be that you put a pretty hateable character into his place, by using his new oversexed body which is in contrast with his macho personality.

Link:

Jarrok

COC2: Jarrok, the Bimbo Bandit by kleinerpolterghast (Obligatory apology, that english isn’t my first language. It’s german.) Introduction Jarrok is a bandit, who was formerly a big muscular hunk of a man but got turned into a bimbo and is now trying to gather money to buy the ingredients to t...

docs.google.com

PS: I left it up here, before submitting, for a bit for feedback. All the feedback I got was great and appreciated. Thanks for taking time out of your day to read it all and going through the effort of fixing my mistakes. It's greatly appreciated and I hope that I can employ your tips in the future.

 

[bubblechaser]

Native english speaker here - hey, not bad! I'm really excited about this character - I'll take some time to help proofread. great idea/premise! (honestly I'm most excited about the prospect of more gay content, specifically the possibility of changing him back to male as you mentioned...but for now the bimbo stuff's hot too! humph... whys everyone gotta be straight? * pouts in baratiddyese * )

edit/update: * a few hours later *

OK! Just some overall feedback: I spent 2-3 hours reading through everything and added quite a bit of punctuation suggestions and little fixes here and there. not everything i "corrected" is technically wrong, some are grammar fixes, some are suggestions, but I hope you were looking for such feedback etc on your first post! (if it's too much, let me know, and i'll switch strictly to fixing grammar errors etc, no "suggestions")

Anyway, overall i really like this character!! - its clever and funny and intriguing. Critiques: When Jarrok is monologuing, personally I'd like to see some more non-monologue description breaking that up. I'm missing some reaction from the player, too... but then again that may be writing style. but if thats the harshest critique i have on writing style, id say pretty good overall.

grammatically/technically, just keep working on contractions like "lets" vs "let's" -- theres some places where you use the same word or adjective close together, variety can spice things up! -- there's a couple too many sentences that start with He/He/He (He licks the pussy, He moves his hand.) where you could instead start with a verb (Licking the pussy, he moves his hand...) , again, for ~variety~. but its not too bad. (you/you/you is also a thing to avoid) again im being picky to help. not tryna be a jerk or anything haha.

Finally. on the 69 scene - computer code wise - with the options between hasCock / hasPussy / hasBoth - you could make those bolded sections smaller, since those scenes share a LOT of the exact same paragraphs... this is only from an editor's plea - it can be tedious to correct the same mistake 3 times on the same paragraph, if it could have been consolidated. then again thats just to make my life easier haha. and as long as that wouldnt mess up the code. (not sure how that works)

anyway

As one first-time-poster to another, I'm excited about Jarrok, Hope he gets in the game, and look foreward to proofreading future scenes, if you'd be so gracious as to allow me.

 

[Dreamer44]

Interesting concept.

I may have suggested a lot of corrections at the beginning. Sorry.

My advice: read a lot of texts in english to get a better grasp of it, as you need it. Right now, it's average but a bit awkward.

Oh, and you forgot a lot of thext on bold near the end of the document.