[Rejected] Big tiddy goth gf

[Natetheman223]

Big tiddy goth gf
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1L8WupPq6n_EYnNQfDHCskZb7GpSCMYEP6mbP5IIYZok/edit?usp=drivesdk
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Oh boy, november! You know what that means: actually continue working on a project I made back in May! Only 6 months later!

Welp, as of Nov 23, it's done. I'm submitting it on Nov 26, so now's a good time to make any last comments.

Edit: PSYCHE! I'm submitting it today because I'll still have several months to edit it as I please before it gets noticed.

Another edit: soandso just commented on my document and told me about the seer. Now I feel like a level 10 idiot for not noticing.

Another another edit: how the fuck has no one noticed that Jane's last name (Ashin) is a pun on the word "Ashen" which is a pale gray color, and is a reference to the game Ashen, which is a dark game. Which all correlate to Jane's personality and history.

Rejected as of 4/28/19.

 

[zero point sixty]

Big tiddy goth gf
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1L8WupPq6n_EYnNQfDHCskZb7GpSCMYEP6mbP5IIYZok/edit?usp=drivesdk
​

I'm going to bed, I'll reply to comments in the morning.

I know this is very early stages, but my main questions would be - who is this girl? What are you trying to do with her? The only attributes she's really given are her physical characteristics - goth style and big boobs, and a bit about her demeanour - kind of a closed off slacker. Why is Steele knocking on her door in the first place, and on what basis is she being offered a job? Why is she going from planet to planet?

I guess you still have a lot of backstory to write, but I think these are things you should nail down early to inform the direction you want the character to go in, and to give people a better handle on what purpose she's serving.

That said, the writing isn't bad, and I don't mean to discourage you, it's just some stuff to think about.

 

[Natetheman223]

I know this is very early stages, but my main questions would be - who is this girl? What are you trying to do with her? The only attributes she's really given are her physical characteristics - goth style and big boobs, and a bit about her demeanour - kind of a closed off slacker. Why is Steele knocking on her door in the first place, and on what basis is she being offered a job? Why is she going from planet to planet?

I guess you still have a lot of backstory to write, but I think these are things you should nail down early to inform the direction you want the character to go in, and to give people a better handle on what purpose she's serving.

That said, the writing isn't bad, and I don't mean to discourage you, it's just some stuff to think about.

You're right, honestly. I wasn't sure where to put her initially, so I figured she could be like Fyn; a random character who you just knock on the door on, just because. More will be revealed about her in her talk scenes on later planets.

That's actually really good feedback, so thanks. I'll keep that stuff in mind.

 

[NotYouNorI]

You're right, honestly. I wasn't sure where to put her initially, so I figured she could be like Fyn; a random character who you just knock on the door on, just because. More will be revealed about her in her talk scenes on later planets.

That's actually really good feedback, so thanks. I'll keep that stuff in mind.

Well, Steele knocks on Fyn's door because he left a flyer with a vague invitation on the event board south of the elevator in the middle.

 

[zero point sixty]

It is kind of funny though, since as players we are basically just scouring the world for people and things to interact with, but it doesn't work if it feels like that's what the character is doing.

 

[Franks]

Maybe have her appear briefly in the merchant deck, then walk away from the player once or twice? Just to have her play hard to get a little. Possibly the player sees her in Mi Amour or Dark Chrysalis? Any store would do honestly, just tossing those out there.

 

[Natetheman223]

Oh boi, time to revive a dead thread, because it gets closer to being dome every day.

 

[NotYouNorI]

Only one dome? :ironicat:

 

[Ormael]

Oi. An interesting stuff.
How close to be considered complete she's atm? Like what bigger additions she still missing or it's all about editing to be sure

 

[Natetheman223]

Oi. An interesting stuff.
How close to be considered complete she's atm? Like what bigger additions she still missing or it's all about editing to be sure

I need to finish sex scenes, add crew interactions, add Jane's Locket, and possibly an encounter with her sister.

 

[Ormael]

Looks like she's now complete and sent to review by fen. I wish you that he'll approve your submission when he finaly get to it xD

 

[Hessh]

Really hoping this gets in. Its nice to find a npc that wont immediately let you sex them.

 

[Aimless Rogue]

Really hoping this gets in. Its nice to find a npc that wont immediately let you sex them.

Praise be.

 

[Crablord]

why was this rejected?

 

[Natetheman223]

Fen said the dialogue was cringey (which it is, can't deny that). Plus... crew content.