Marcus Huxley [WIP] [any and all criticism/help/tips welcome]

[_Swish]

So, TiTS is a porn game, sure, but it's also worth looking at as a setting -- there's a lot to unpack. It's space colonialism, it's Brave New World style societal control through pleasure, it's a Koch brothers hypercapitalist wet dream. There is actually something there apart from all the dickgirls and furries, with room enough to look at things seriously.

At least for a moment, until someone decides to slip a leash on you and make you their favorite pet.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fQmsrKHjjhx3-dZZweWWjqqxj7K2oBe5UGz4S-hFBmg/edit?usp=sharing

Meet Marcus Huxley, the result of a fever dream after binging Metal Gear Solid and e621 for longer than any reasonable person should. He's got a genehunter dad (dead), a schoolteacher mom (bimboified) and one hell of a mystery on his hands as to why his mother got her debt called in on her so soon after his father's mysterious death (a fucking complicated conspiracy, believe me). His grudge against Xenogen is legendary due to their involvement with selling his widowed mother into debt slavery to a seedy brothel, and ever since then he's been pretty sure that megacorps have been sexualizing society since their beginnings to create a market for erotic pleasures -- and a market for the people who spent too much consuming them.

Speaking of erotic pleasures, if you get into his pants, you can go for the usual sex choices, though the furrier Steeles will have other options. You wanna be someone's absolute favorite pet? Have you seen someone super attractive absolutely spoil their dog or cat rotten with treats and cuddles and thought, "God, I wish that were me"? This is your guy. He will parade you around and heap loads of praise and affection on you before, of course, fucking you good. You can even get a special collar, and believe me when I say it isn't ordinary.

He's also evolved to be something of a husbando, with dates and everything! There's a severe lack of those that people have complained of in the past, so here's my attempt at a fix.

This is part one of a planned three part character -- I plan on expanding for a full questline with this guy. As the title says, any and all criticism, tips, or help is welcome.

 

[Zavos]

Fully support a "loving master" NPC, particularly since its a husbando. Somewhat conflicted on the no-genitail thing.

 

[_Swish]

Fully support a "loving master" NPC, particularly since its a husbando. Somewhat conflicted on the no-genitail thing.

Perhaps I could make it possible to ignore an increasing number of "undesired" features the higher his respect for you gets -- stuff like genitails, for example, he could easily rationalize away if he admired you enough, seeing as they aren't things you paid money to get. (Stuff like log-sized dicks still wouldn't fly, though).

 

[Athena]

At least with Tail Genitalia, it's usually from parasites rather than sex mods. I recommend keeping that in mind, since it sounds more like his problem is with with sex mods made by megacorps and the effects they have on individuals minds, if I'm understanding the document correctly? I personally like a man who sticks to his principles, and for characters to be consistant, but obviously it's your choice as to what his preferences should be.

 

[_Swish]

At least with Tail Genitalia, it's usually from parasites rather than sex mods. I recommend keeping that in mind, since it sounds more like his problem is with with sex mods made by megacorps and the effects they have on individuals minds, if I'm understanding the document correctly? I personally like a man who sticks to his principles, and for characters to be consistant, but obviously it's your choice as to what his preferences should be.

Deciding to keep a genitail, although not something that helped to cause the societal shifts the megacorps profited from, is something one would associate with the hypersexual culture they created -- an indicator rather than a cause. Thus, Marcus would be iffy about them at first, despite them technically not being mods.

 

[_Swish]

Minor update:

After having asked @Nonesuch about having interactions between my character and his, I've scrapped scenes involving Marcus interacting with RK Lah. You'll still be able to ask about what he thinks about the terrorist, but other than that, nothing. It's a shame, since Lah was part of what inspired my character, and their viewpoints on society are so similar (yet also so deliciously different, setting the stage for some conflict), but hell if I don't know that writing someone else's character without their permission is an easy way to get a submission rejected (not to mention that it's obviously, you know, a dick move and a recipe for OOC).

 

[_Swish]

Things are shaping up further, and at this point more writing style and sentence structure tips would be appreciated.

 

[_Swish]

All of the non-sex scenes are complete. If anyone wants to look this over and give feedback on the quality of the current writing, that would be great.

 

[Skom]

Reading through the undesirable traits list, things like Ditz Speech and Brute Speech strike me as a bit extreme, if only because there's no way for you to "lose" these traits (as far as I can remember). So if he rejects you because of that, well, there's literally nothing you can do. And besides, you might be a victim, just like his mother. Maybe you were bimbofied against your will by the likes of Dr. Badger, or maybe someone tricked you into taking a dose of Dumbfuck... and now you're stuck with the physical and psychological changes.

Edit: I forgot to say your ass can get slightly pumped from certain medical conditions or excessive use of certain toys. Don't know about the vagina though. Edit 2: And I also forgot to say his refusal of parasite tails would be a complete no-no to me, since I absolutely love those things even if I'm not using any sexual mods. I think he's being too strict.

As an alternative approach, maybe Steele could have an opportunity to express some regret about their sexual mod choices. After all, sometimes you just don't have a full picture of what you're getting yourself into until it's too late - and this is something the megacorps are actively aiming for with mods that give you random traits, which in turn forces you to buy other mods to fix the undesired changes.

Overall, I like his personality, definitely not just another "toy" for the crew collection.

If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion, I think it would be neat if you were able to give him a few cosmetic mods once he trusts you enough. The full Terran look is a bit too drab for my tastes (though I admit that 'drab' is a rare commodity in this setting), and since he has a thing for furry people, you might convince him to try it himself. For example, he would look absolutely dashing after some Lupinol to give him wolfish ears, a swishy tail and maybe even that delicious, commanding alpha scent. And since this mod was created (by Steele Tech) with self-expression in mind, rather than for pure sexual relief, it doesn't clash with his philosophy so much.

 

[_Swish]

Reading through the undesirable traits list, things like Ditz Speech and Brute Speech strike me as a bit extreme, if only because there's no way for you to "lose" these traits (as far as I can remember). So if he rejects you because of that, well, there's literally nothing you can do. And besides, you might be a victim, just like his mother. Maybe you were bimbofied against your will by the likes of Dr. Badger, or maybe someone tricked you into taking a dose of Dumbfuck... and now you're stuck with the physical and psychological changes.

Characterwise, it makes sense. With those traits, whenever you open your mouth, it would remind him too much of what happened to his mother, regardless of whether it's your fault or not. Kinda a boner killer.

Edit: I forgot to say your ass can get slightly pumped from certain medical conditions or excessive use of certain toys. Don't know about the vagina though. Edit 2: And I also forgot to say his refusal of parasite tails would be a complete no-no to me, since I absolutely love those things even if I'm not using any sexual mods. I think he's being too strict.

I forgot to add to the document that if you boost your relationship level ten higher, to 70, after you've hit the "he'll sleep with you" threshold he'll relax his stance on those since they aren't mods.

As an alternative approach, maybe Steele could have an opportunity to express some regret about their sexual mod choices. After all, sometimes you just don't have a full picture of what you're getting yourself into until it's too late - and this is something the megacorps are actively aiming for with mods that give you random traits, which in turn forces you to buy other mods to fix the undesired changes.

I'm planning on having him comment on it if you failed the undesirable traits check on the last check but pass it on the current check, something along the lines of "you kinda just gave them more money but simultaneously that's the sweetest thing anyone's done for me". I might consider having an option to have Steel express some regret, but I'd have to be careful not to make it seem preachy or something.

If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion, I think it would be neat if you were able to give him a few cosmetic mods once he trusts you enough. The full Terran look is a bit too drab for my tastes (though I admit that 'drab' is a rare commodity in this setting), and since he has a thing for furry people, you might convince him to try it himself. For example, he would look absolutely dashing after some Lupinol to give him wolfish ears, a swishy tail and maybe even that delicious, commanding alpha scent. And since this mod was created (by Steele Tech) with self-expression in mind, rather than for pure sexual relief, it doesn't clash with his philosophy so much.

That, my friend, is actually planned for a later expansion, probably post-quest. The reason it'd be after his storyline is over is that I'd have to rewrite a lot of scenes to work with the newly-furred Marcus, and if it only happens post-quest I won't have to write the quest to take both human and furry versions of Marcus into account.

Overall, I like his personality, definitely not just another "toy" for the crew collection.

Thanks so much for the feedback!

 

[_Swish]

I've considered expanding the character significantly with dates to pace out the revelation of bits and pieces of his past regarding his parents, as I realized the pacing of the character may in fact not be up to snuff. I realized I enjoyed characters like B's specifically because they start off under the guise of something fairly simple (just a yoga instructor, some dragon you fight, another thief that jumps you on Zheng Shi, some guy who boosts your stats temporarily) and then the veil gets thrown off and they prove to be vastly more complex than you thought. Is slower pacing something you guys would like to see with this sort of character?

 

[Athena]

Yes, especially if you're planning to give him a full questline. I'd like to be given a reasonable reason to care about him, and for the idea that he'd include you in what sounds like a very personal situation to feel as natural as possible.

 

[_Swish]

Yes, especially if you're planning to give him a full questline. I'd like to be given a reasonable reason to care about him, and for the idea that he'd include you in what sounds like a very personal situation to feel as natural as possible.

Well, then that's just what I'll do. A question, though. I'm also considering having talking to him about politics be something gated behind interacting with him in other ways a few times. What would be a good way to have the topic come up naturally?

 

[Athena]

Well, then that's just what I'll do. A question, though. I'm also considering having talking to him about politics be something gated behind interacting with him in other ways a few times. What would be a good way to have the topic come up naturally?

I think that depends: how important are politics to Huxley? From what I'm reading in the doc, it seems like the discussion is voluntary. I suppose that either way, his opinions about mods, or at least something aluding to it, should come up in an earlier scene if you're looking to make it a more natural part of the discussion. I do understand where you're coming from, thouugh, in that a lot of people only discuss politics with people they're comfortable sharing their opinions with. People have different threshholds for that, however, and with the way the Talk menu works, it's Steele that's bringing up the topic.

 

[_Swish]

I think that depends: how important are politics to Huxley? From what I'm reading in the doc, it seems like the discussion is voluntary. I suppose that either way, his opinions about mods, or at least something aluding to it, should come up in an earlier scene if you're looking to make it a more natural part of the discussion. I do understand where you're coming from, thouugh, in that a lot of people only discuss politics with people they're comfortable sharing their opinions with. People have different threshholds for that, however, and with the way the Talk menu works, it's Steele that's bringing up the topic.

I think I've figured out how to work it in. Thanks!

 

[NapD]

Overall, this was very well-written. This character has got emotional depth, an interesting backstory, and his body is just your average Joe. Apart from a few comma errors, there weren't any huge grammatical errors.

 

[_Swish]

Overall, this was very well-written. This character has got emotional depth, an interesting backstory, and his body is just your average Joe. Apart from a few comma errors, there weren't any huge grammatical errors.

Thank you so much for your help and feedback! I was worried the character concept might have been a bit strange for TiTS, but with all the positive feedback I'm feeling more and more sure I can pull this off!

 

[coldmonkey]

His grudge against Xenogen is legendary due to their involvement with selling his widowed mother into debt slavery to a seedy brothel

Soooo... can you fuck her?

 

[_Swish]

Soooo... can you fuck her?

Probably not, considering she's more of a backstory element. That might change if enough people ask.

 

[Athena]

Probably not, considering she's more of a backstory element. That might change if enough people ask.

How do you think Marcus would react if he found out Steele was sleeping with his mother?

 

[_Swish]

How do you think Marcus would react if he found out Steele was sleeping with his mother?

If Steele didn't know it was his mother they were banging, probably anger, but eventually he'd forgive you. If Steele did know and did it anyways, that'd probably lock you out of all future content with Marcus.

 

[coldmonkey]

I'm just gonna ruin the joke and let you know I was just joking. Although fucking her accidentally, without knowing, could be a pretty funny development... but then again, who wants to sleep with brainwashed sex slaves? At least you get to cure Reaha's addiction. No cure for Dumbfuck, as far as I know.

 

[_Swish]

I've finished the first date scene, where you and Marcus play some vidya in his ship and talk about some feels, and would like some feedback. I've also polished up some earlier work.

 

[_Swish]

Date two is done. You and Marcus cooks a dish he found online, and he talks about the experience of being on his own earlier than he thought he would be.