[Editors and Feedback requested] Dreamin' of a Demon: Fun with Kas and your friends... in their dreams!

[shovelry]

Design Doc, setup, intro and outro
Scene ideas
Cait
Azyrran
Brint
Arona

Join Kasyrra in visiting your companions and allies' dreams for some sexy and theatrical fun! There's tests of will! Battles! Dominance!

So far I've written an intro, an outro, and a couple scenes for Cait. If there's interest, I'll work on the other scenes, which I came up with a... concerning number of.

Savin gave the go-ahead with this concept, since the Champion is effectively riding sidecar on Kasyrra's Dreamwalking power.

 

[Dreamer44]

Oh, this has so much potential... I love it.

I'll help if I can, with suggestions and edits.

 

[shovelry]

I've finished a pair of dream scenes with Azzy! There's honey-milking! Egg-laying! Everything an Azzy-fan craves!

 

[Dreamer44]

Design Doc, setup, intro and outro
Cait
Azyrran

Join Kasyrra in visiting your companions and allies' dreams for some sexy and theatrical fun! There's tests of will! Battles! Dominance!

So far I've written an intro, an outro, and a couple scenes for Cait. If there's interest, I'll work on the other scenes, which I came up with a... concerning number of.

Savin gave the go-ahead with this concept, since the Champion is effectively riding sidecar on Kasyrra's Dreamwalking power.

So, I can't seem to find a way to comment in the doc, so I'll comment here.

[pc.ptc|“I won’t lie…” you say. “Better than I thought.”|”That was a lot of fun…” you say.|”That. Was. Amazing,” you reply.]

I think the Dark Knight/Champion/Bimbo parser would be better in this situation than the corruption one.

As you giggle, Kas suddenly lets out an “Oh!” and flings the blankets off the bed.

I'd recommend adding a parser there: " As you [pc.mf|chuckle|giggle]..."

 

[shovelry]

So, I can't seem to find a way to comment in the doc, so I'll comment here.


I think the Dark Knight/Champion/Bimbo parser would be better in this situation than the corruption one.



I'd recommend adding a parser there: " As you [pc.mf|chuckle|giggle]..."

Strange, commenting is enabled for those with the link.

 

[Dreamer44]

Strange, commenting is enabled for those with the link.

Anyway, I'll keep looking and suggesting across the scenes.

Remember, every time you have the PC giggle, add a parser for male/female. Have the males chuckle or laugh.

Or save the giggles for a Bimbo champ.

 

[shovelry]

Anyway, I'll keep looking and suggesting across the scenes.

Remember, every time you have the PC giggle, add a parser for male/female. Have the males chuckle or laugh.

Or save the giggles for a Bimbo champ.

On my end at least, you need to highlight something to comment on it.

 

[shovelry]

I've written a scene for Brint AND Brienne that, while mainly the same for the first half, is very different for the second.

Per Wsan's request I've cut the Brienne content.

 

[Melancholy Man]

Really cool concept, I dig it but I don't like how Kas is portraited; Normally she has a nonchalant suaveness to her kind of like a Bond girl (James Bond for your reference), with a smug edge to her and moderate moments of affection. In these, she is way too bubbly.

 

[shovelry]

Really cool concept, I dig it but I don't like how Kas is portraited; Normally she has a nonchalant suaveness to her kind of like a Bond girl (James Bond for your reference), with a smug edge to her and moderate moments of affection. In these, she is way too bubbly.

This is honestly good feedback - I guess I looked too deeply at the times where Kas becomes more easily flustered (like telling her she’s beautiful during the Halloween event) and built her off that. I’ll tone her down.

 

[SmithEK]

I've written a scene for Brint AND Brienne that, while mainly the same for the first half, is very different for the second.

Per Wsan's request I've cut the Brienne content.

That's a shame. I love Brienne and get excited for more content for her. At least we got Cait and Azzy.

 

[JustSomeGuy]

Honestly surprised it wasn't Tobs over Kiyoko, interesting

 

[Melancholy Man]

This is honestly good feedback - I guess I looked too deeply at the times where Kas becomes more easily flustered (like telling her she’s beautiful during the Halloween event) and built her off that. I’ll tone her down.

its all good man

 

[shovelry]

Been a while, but I've finished Arona with two scenes. Might officially submit this soon, and work on more scenes later on.

 

[Ace Hangman]

Alright, going to work my way from the start to the finish. I've gotten through half of Cait's submission, just starting the Ride Her Face section. Will come back to it in a bit after some errands.
Cait
Most suggestions will go into the Doc, but things I've noticed (feel free to ignore them):
1. You've gone to some detail to make the Champ into a demon-guise and don't really use it much in descriptions. Specifically, the demon wings and tail (you mention the bound wings once, try and get them into play at least once in each sex choice, even if it is just mentioning them like you did in Ridden and Blown). You gave Champ a heart-tipped, whippy demon tail and... never used it. Since this is a time where you don't have to worry about what the Champ does or doesn't have bodypart-wise... use it.
Either slap her little butt once in awhile, coil it around her calf or thigh and squeeze a little, or tease her little butthole with it when Kas isn't busy with it. Just add a bit with the tail at least once in each scene.

2. Consider using ALT-F and type in Cait. You use 'Cait' about 150 times and it's fine, but I bet that you could replace about 1/3rd of those with a descriptive term or different term. Don't overdo it, spread them out, but if one paragraph has the word Cait in it 3 or more times, consider something else. Like 'passion priestess', 'feline' 'catfolk' 'catgirl' 'sacred harlot' 'furry sex kitten' just a few times here and there.

 

[shovelry]

Alright, going to work my way from the start to the finish. I've gotten through half of Cait's submission, just starting the Ride Her Face section. Will come back to it in a bit after some errands.
Cait
Most suggestions will go into the Doc, but things I've noticed (feel free to ignore them):
1. You've gone to some detail to make the Champ into a demon-guise and don't really use it much in descriptions. Specifically, the demon wings and tail (you mention the bound wings once, try and get them into play at least once in each sex choice, even if it is just mentioning them like you did in Ridden and Blown). You gave Champ a heart-tipped, whippy demon tail and... never used it. Since this is a time where you don't have to worry about what the Champ does or doesn't have bodypart-wise... use it.
Either slap her little butt once in awhile, coil it around her calf or thigh and squeeze a little, or tease her little butthole with it when Kas isn't busy with it. Just add a bit with the tail at least once in each scene.

2. Consider used ALT-F and type in Cait. You use 'Cait' about 150 times and it's fine, but I bet that you could replace about 1/3rd of those with a descriptive term or different term. Don't overdo it, spread them out, but if one paragraph has the word Cait in it 3 or more times, consider something else. Like 'passion priestess', 'feline' 'catfolk' 'catgirl' 'sacred harlot' 'furry sex kitten' just a few times here and there.

This is all gold. Thanks so much.

…grumble grumble how the fuck did I use “reagent” instead of “regent”, grumble grumble…

 

[Ace Hangman]

Finished reading through the Azyrran scene. Left most of the notes in the Doc. Just going to make some broad observations.
1. Like you noted, it did seem to take a while for Azzy to get involved. You did address it and it wasn't too bad. I didn't make this suggestion in the Doc because it would take a lot of writing, but you could consider having Azzy be there in the scene from the beginning, but watching from the shadows and not directly acting until the time. That would give the scene a different perspective. She'd be there, she'd be part of the scene, even as a voyeuristic or passive participant, but she'd be there and it would feel to the reader, that Azzy would be aware and (hopefully aroused) by the dream, rather than implying she might not even be aware of the activity until she arrives as written.

For instance, you describe a throne against one wall (possibly behind Kas so she can't even view Azzy on it) with a familiar feminine figure resting upon it. She's cloaked in shadows except for maybe a pair of crossed chitin-clad legs just visible in the flickering light of the candles. Then instead of her walking in later with her guard, she finally rises and steps from the shadows with her guard (who was standing near the throne too). If need be, when you ask Kasyrra why Azzy wasn't present (or joining in), just have Kas give her excuse of wanting some one-on-one time and reassure them that Azzy is/was free to interact however she wants... so she must have/be wanting to watch.

2. Do ALT-F and look for 'azzy' and 'kas'. Let that take you to each instance and read the paragraph they're in. If you come to a paragraph that has two (maybe) or three (definitely), then consider changing those to something different. Even 'Azyrran' or 'Kasyrra' will break up the overuse, but beyond that, you've still got 'hornet', 'hornet queen', '(the) Queen', 'caramel cutie' etc, (you can even do a parser to check her outfit and base it on that in a few places (dragoon, dragon hornet, hive queen, cuddlebug, honey maiden, love knight, etc.)

3. Do the same for the words 'cock' and 'tit'. If you see those words show up two or more times in the same paragraph (especially if the word is all alone without an adjective), then use a different word 'shaft, rod, dick, penis, pole, breast, boob, etc. Or at least add an adjective,

 

[Ace Hangman]

Finished reading through the Brint scene (I did not read the Brienne part, though I could if you were planning to try and fix it or needed advice to use in a later idea).
I listed most of my observations and left my suggestions in the Doc, which are just that, one (totally awesome) person's thoughts and opinions. Take them alongside other reviewers notes.

Otherwise:
1. Same as the other Docs, ALT-F and type in 'brint' and 'kas' and look at where the browser takes you, read that section and make sure the highlighted words and names aren't overused. Spread them out, replace them with nicknames, fullnames, titles, or descriptions as needed. 'Bullman', 'Bull', 'Minotaur', 'Mino-warrior', 'Kasyrra', 'demoness', 'lust demon', 'crimson-skinned', 'dragon-cow', etc.

2. Same for Gray Kas/Blue Kas. Try to break it up with descriptions rather than just using Gray Kas or Blue Kas too often. And the same with words like 'cock' or 'pussy', check that they aren't used too often in the same paragraph and that they aren't just lone nouns without evocative or descriptive adjectives.

3. Would have liked some mention of horn use in there. Obviously it's not meant to be bloody or gory, so I don't mean piercing each other. But maybe part where Brint grabs her by the horns while fighting and then she tries to do the same but is momentarily caught off-guard by the fact that he's missing one. Or she goes to grab his horn and twist him to the side, but can't get leverage with only one horn to hold and then he reverses it.
Or maybe just a moment where Brint grabs her by the horns as he's orally assaulting her or something.

 

[Ace Hangman]

Finished the Arona Doc. Noted some suggestions, thoughts, observations, opinions, etc.
1. Mostly the same as the others with names and cock/pussy nouns. As well as words like 'hand'. Just make sure they aren't overused in the same sentences too frequently and have some adjectives to them.

2. I'd probably like to see a mention somewhere between seeing Arona and where you decide between Spitroast and Demon Sandwich about her loincloth straining or being tented or some other obvious mention that she's aroused or hard beneath the cloth/fur.