It seems like a lot of work to be based on the Champ having the orb and having given her enough essence to manifest but not have freed Kiyoko. Even so, I noted some parsers where I could (even if this is a long shot, maybe it will help with other writings.) The trade-off here is that adding in more things might risk stepping on or muddling the scene as written where it might not have the same impact or focus that it had to inspire you or evoke the emotions. Ultimately only The Observer might be able to allow it if it suits his vision. I don't see this as being a very likely addition (but I am just some guy, what I say means about zero), but thank you for sharing your vision on what The Observer's scene inspired.
Other than that, It probably shouldn't be all italicized or large portions bolded. Dialogue (between quotations) will be automatically italicized, but you can use <i>(words)</i> or <b>(words)</b> to format specific words or lines.
And it should be written in present tense, 'she looks' or 'she's looking' rather than 'she looked' for instance.
And keep writing!
Thank you! I'm almost done with this round of edits. I know how to work in coding blocks, but not much else. I also have several questions
• What would the PC (not married tag) look like? Would it be !pc.married or pc.notmarried or pc.unmarried.
• What would the flags look like for the bad endings.
Ideally I'd like this part to remain:
"No. I refuse your attempts to boil me down or take me as something I'm not. As far as I'm concerned, I'm me. I don't care whether I have
a soul or not!"
But it could totally be changed to "
whether my soul is just a part of the whole or not!"
I earnestly await your feedback and any possible revisions.
As for the orb... I think it gives Kiyoko more depth and more agency, as well as more things to do in-between Kiyoko meeting the player, Kiyoko having children, and Kiyoko being freed. I would write a similar interaction in the Matiha reality warping scene, but I think that one might be off-limits due to what happened to Berwyn and that eating into the arc. At most it would be a one-liner with an equip, and a completely separate thread.
This is a pivotal moment where Kiyoko could interact with a veteran of the Godswar and Antonina, too. It feels like the perfect kind of sidequest, one that has enormous implications if you read it a certain way (and clearly what was intended).
