[Work in Progress] Retrieve Nerim's Elixir: Ivris "Loyalty" Quest

[Ripened Tingle]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EHmiGxsZtZbcHn85KGQcMTHBdQh-EgfPPsbqkmS86PQ/edit?usp=sharing

So I've been working on this for a few days now. It's definitely not finished or fleshed out yet but... I'd appreciate it if you guys took a look and let me know if something like this would be approved so I know to keep going or not.

To be honest, I've taken a liking to Ivris. This quest by default will not restore her sight since I want to respect Savin's vision for his character design (get it, vision? because... sight) but should it be approved the quest reward will involve being able to restore Ivris's sight with Nerim's Elixir. Also, following completion of the quest (and handing the elixir to Ivris) the player will be able to propose sex with Ivris.

Thank you for your time. This is my first ever attempt at a submission for CoC so I apologize if I did not do the parser syntax correctly. Comments and constructive criticism welcome! But, please be kind/ gentle about it

 

[SoAndSo]

I'm not entirely sure if Savin is okay with this particular route. Aside from being v cute and being an alchemist, her being blind is kind of 'her thing' and she never states that she wants her eye sight. I'd say hold off on this idea until someone from on high says it fits.

As to the actual content, several issues:

Spoiler

It's not a movie/stage script, how it's presented in game is how it's written. Don't do 'Ivris:', write like it's a book. Will get insta-rejected otherwise.

Oh but… well, there <i> is </i> something else. A legend of sorts. They say that Nerim the Master had his tomb in the Frost Marches… But I suppose you don’t have time for such tall tales.”

Casually jumping from her weekly routine to the magical macguffin that gives her vision is jarring.

“Well, as legends and rumor would have it, Nerim’s tomb is somewhere in the mountainous forests to the northwest of Hawkthorne.

AFAIK, the mountain ranges are straight east and what's north west is just the Frosthills which is another forest zone. Also level capped so I assume this quest is meant to be post level 3?

Nerim was a master alchemist in his time. In fact, many alchemy manuscripts reference his techniques!

Might want to rethink the 'it just so happens' tone of this. Written history is quite flexible in CoC2 i.e. it's barely existent. Add intrigue and mystery to it other than 'oh he was actually this famous guy, that's all'. Needs fleshing out is all.

( rather uncreatively- I must say)

Use dashes and not brackets for 'aside notes' unless you're telling the coders something.

 

[Ripened Tingle]

Thank you for the tips! I don't expect to be approved for my very first attempt but should be a fun little thing to work on whenever I have the time

Yeah, I agree that the initial conversation with Ivris to get the quest started is awkward and jarring at points. I will definitely revise once I have all the meat down. Again, thank you for taking the time