[WIP] Lorre and Kazra Threesome

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TItsFan21211

Active Member
Jun 25, 2020
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To be clear, I have gained the approval of the creator, @Savin. This is additionally just supposed to be a short threesome scene - nothing more, nothing less.

Additionally, I have already completed first draft of the scene, though I need to brush up on grammar and technical coding-helping stuff still. Please give comments if necessary :)

Also, Lorre and Kazra are the girls in the trading lodge far out in the wilderness of Uveto.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XK8b0F3DqlHAVVvBeHs5xfS48gCSwNpGcXtPN2-vidA/edit?usp=sharing
 
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TiTSFan

TiTSFan

Well-Known Member
Jan 25, 2019
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I just wanted to say to you, from one TiTSFan to another, good luck with your scene.
 
TiTSFan

TiTSFan

Well-Known Member
Jan 25, 2019
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I don't really do in depth analysis of google docs as the ones I've read are headache inducing at best. This is because even simple, short, and well written scenes take into account a ton of possible variables such as Bimbo/Bro or non-Bimbo/Bro, male/female/hermaphrodite/dickgirl/neuter, cock type/number, vagina type/number, cum type, girl cum type, etc...

The best advice I can give you is to look at the google docs of writers who've come before you, who have had many accepted submissions, and ask yourself if what you have written is close in terms of quality. Also, compare your scene to other scenes of the character/s that you're writing for. Do they mach in style or quality? If not, you need to look at what you can do to improve it.
 
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TItsFan21211

Active Member
Jun 25, 2020
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Hello folks! Just finished writing this up; please give feedback :)

Also, is it bad I put two Easter eggs in my sex scenes? I referenced how the protagonist was good in bed like Mallach, who is the god of love in COC2. I also mentioned briefly of how the Essyra and Korgonne could be descended from Keros (COC2), as they look similar (although it doesn't go any further than that)/
 
Ich_Hab_Keine_Lust

Ich_Hab_Keine_Lust

Well-Known Member
Feb 27, 2020
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The easter eggs should be fine if you tag them as silly mode only, but as for feedback this looks like it needs a lot of work....
For one thing, the game is written in present, not past tense. So when you for example write:
"Kazra, smiling, pulled away and grabbed Lorre by the shoulders"
It should be
"Kazra, smiling, pulls away and grabs Lorre by the shoulders"

You also have a lot of word repetition:
"Briefly fingering them both,... from them both..."

And just some weird sentences that make it seem like English isn't your first language:
"Each of them [kisses] caused their bodies to shudder in pleasure, the precipitation of sweat gleaming."

The core scene is definitely fappable, but it looks like you need to find someone who knows what he's doing (i.e. not me) to clean it up for you.
 
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Athena

Guest
So, there's no comment access, which is a problem. I heavily suggest looking at this document to improve the formatting of your doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ojv7Jvc-wxmWGTaJERIZ09zlRQbetW9Mtud18MDzhuA/edit?usp=sharing

Again, it could use more cleanup in other areas - the lead-in to the first scene seems abrupt, there's issues with repetition, and it probably wouldn't hurt to play around with the scene and find ways to spice it up, for lack of a better term. I sincerely wish I could be of more help, but I'm still learning all this myself, just thought I'd pass along some advice while submissions are still open.
 
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TItsFan21211

Active Member
Jun 25, 2020
32
6
35
Athena said:
So, there's no comment access, which is a problem. I heavily suggest looking at this document to improve the formatting of your doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ojv7Jvc-wxmWGTaJERIZ09zlRQbetW9Mtud18MDzhuA/edit?usp=sharing

Again, it could use more cleanup in other areas - the lead-in to the first scene seems abrupt, there's issues with repetition, and it probably wouldn't hurt to play around with the scene and find ways to spice it up, for lack of a better term. I sincerely wish I could be of more help, but I'm still learning all this myself, just thought I'd pass along some advice while submissions are still open.
Click to expand...

Thank you for the response, I have done so :)
 
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