So I've enjoyed these games for a couple years now, but have only recently decided to get off my ass and try making something for it. I wanted to start small and do what the stickies tell you to do: Make a mindwash visor scene. It doesn't require as much parser use, so it would be a good start to get my feet wet. I'll work up to bigger projects later depending on how well this goes.
I got almost halfway done with the first draft before realizing even a project this simple was taking a bit longer than expected (thank god I didn't write a planet.) I can probably finish the first draft by the end of the week, but it occurred to me that I should have pitched the idea earlier to see if that much writing would be worth it. Even where it's at now, hopefully there's enough there to at least show what I'm getting at.
The general plotline is that a femboy extranet streamer pisses off a small sex toy company with an unfair review of one of their products. In retaliation, they send him a "new and improved" dildo to review that has transformative properties to it. The streamer gets feminized by the dildo, then gets addicted to it to the point where he can't stop riding it live. The CEO meets up with the streamer at the end and makes him her bitch as payback for the middling 7/10 review. There's more to it than that, but that's the jist. For this story to make sense as a VR event, the scenes are implied to be pre-recorded VOD's of the protagonist's senses streamed live to his audience. He does that to let them feel the sex toy along with him.
What I'm generally looking for is some feedback on the following:
1. Is the plot in general engaging or interesting in the first place? Are its ideas cohesive or scatterbrained? (Been looking at this for too long to know myself lol)
2. Using the first and second chapters as a demo for how the full thing will feel, what is your opinion on the pacing and line-density? Is it too spaced out? Too dense to read comfortably? Just right? I aimed for no more than four or five lines per paragraph for the most part.
3. Does the wording flow well, or does it come off as mechanical?
4. Are the humor and smut parts of the writing hitting for you? Does the smut end too quickly? Drag on for too long?
5. There is a running gag that the protagonist, who participates frequently in gender-incongruent behaviors and same-sex relationships, is mildly homophobic (in a juvenile sense.) My original intention for this was to add some cognitive dissonance (and possibly insecurity) to the character, which I thought would both be funny and an interesting dynamic to explore. It did make me think about content rules, though. Is it fine that he's like that, or should I remove it? The subtext of the story does not consider his comments to be correct, and the protagonist isn't really hateful, he's just an idiot. If enough people took issue with it, I would understand and cut it for a final draft of the story.
6. Is a mindwash visor story even the best fit for a story like this? Would it work better in some other form at its size and complexity, like cutting the story up into a couple of those codex story items?
7. Is this just too long for what it is? Should I cut it down some, or is the complexity fine?
If you have feedback that doesn't fit those bulletpoints then that's fine too, those were just the main ones that came to mind.
Anyway, here's the WIP doc so far. Note that there are two document tabs, feel free to check out both (parser stuff not done yet btw):
docs.google.com
I got almost halfway done with the first draft before realizing even a project this simple was taking a bit longer than expected (thank god I didn't write a planet.) I can probably finish the first draft by the end of the week, but it occurred to me that I should have pitched the idea earlier to see if that much writing would be worth it. Even where it's at now, hopefully there's enough there to at least show what I'm getting at.
The general plotline is that a femboy extranet streamer pisses off a small sex toy company with an unfair review of one of their products. In retaliation, they send him a "new and improved" dildo to review that has transformative properties to it. The streamer gets feminized by the dildo, then gets addicted to it to the point where he can't stop riding it live. The CEO meets up with the streamer at the end and makes him her bitch as payback for the middling 7/10 review. There's more to it than that, but that's the jist. For this story to make sense as a VR event, the scenes are implied to be pre-recorded VOD's of the protagonist's senses streamed live to his audience. He does that to let them feel the sex toy along with him.
What I'm generally looking for is some feedback on the following:
1. Is the plot in general engaging or interesting in the first place? Are its ideas cohesive or scatterbrained? (Been looking at this for too long to know myself lol)
2. Using the first and second chapters as a demo for how the full thing will feel, what is your opinion on the pacing and line-density? Is it too spaced out? Too dense to read comfortably? Just right? I aimed for no more than four or five lines per paragraph for the most part.
3. Does the wording flow well, or does it come off as mechanical?
4. Are the humor and smut parts of the writing hitting for you? Does the smut end too quickly? Drag on for too long?
5. There is a running gag that the protagonist, who participates frequently in gender-incongruent behaviors and same-sex relationships, is mildly homophobic (in a juvenile sense.) My original intention for this was to add some cognitive dissonance (and possibly insecurity) to the character, which I thought would both be funny and an interesting dynamic to explore. It did make me think about content rules, though. Is it fine that he's like that, or should I remove it? The subtext of the story does not consider his comments to be correct, and the protagonist isn't really hateful, he's just an idiot. If enough people took issue with it, I would understand and cut it for a final draft of the story.
6. Is a mindwash visor story even the best fit for a story like this? Would it work better in some other form at its size and complexity, like cutting the story up into a couple of those codex story items?
7. Is this just too long for what it is? Should I cut it down some, or is the complexity fine?
If you have feedback that doesn't fit those bulletpoints then that's fine too, those were just the main ones that came to mind.
Anyway, here's the WIP doc so far. Note that there are two document tabs, feel free to check out both (parser stuff not done yet btw):
[WIP] Mindwash Visor - Bitchbroken Live, VOD Compilation
content: femboy, feminization, transformation, anal, anal insertion, orgasm denial, bimboy, herm, male on male, herm on male Bitchbroken Live, VOD Compilation – Day ?? (Prologue) Your finger depresses from the Memcorder headset’s “record” button. Thousands of people are now recalling your senses...
