[Under Revision] Audrey's Garments
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Alright… let’s see…
opens doc and reads word count
6-60,000+ words? The fuck? How many pages…
puts it on print layout mode
172 pages?!?! WHAT!
Yeah, nope. I’m very patient when I comes to reading submissions, but I ain’t got time for this. Give me a TLDR for this. Why exactly is your first project nearly 200 pages for a shop? Also, how many sex scenes are in here? It looks like I found only one or two which only require a penis. Is the character gated to only PCs with a cock?
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its... ok. i'd say its b/b-
only main issues i see are:
this doc is WAY large- you'll have to rip this thing in 2 parts
2 sex scenes is not gonna cut it - ESPECIALLY when its for cock wielding PC's only
only main issues i see are:
this doc is WAY large- you'll have to rip this thing in 2 parts
2 sex scenes is not gonna cut it - ESPECIALLY when its for cock wielding PC's only
- The Doc itself has a bloat issue a lot of content repeats for no real reason, so trimming that down would make navigating this beast more bearable.
- Splitting the docs would definitely help with readability something like ( Intro/ Items/ Events) to make it a bit more manageable.
- Two sex scenes is plenty just need to find a way for them to be repeatable.
- If char driven stuff is what you're after instead of having the skates be another thing the pc can just buy or find, Audrey could swipe the pair from Hana before you do, and attempt to spruce them up a bit and give them as a gift to the pc.
Makes the key item more meaningful, calls back to an earlier scene, and shows shes willing to work outside her comfort zone for people she cares about or makes the refusal to tag along more crushing.
- Maybe leave the skating event for an Xpac cuz Val has only spoken to the pc maybe 3 or 4 times by then and most are just casual or her being moody about you porking her gf. Makes the massive truth-bomb a bit random, I'd recommend more interactions with Val or just shave it for later.
Take this all with a grain of salt they're your characters you know what's best for em. All in all I enjoyed the read, liked the characters, and thought Audrey was fucking adorable can't wait to see it develop more.
- Splitting the docs would definitely help with readability something like ( Intro/ Items/ Events) to make it a bit more manageable.
- Two sex scenes is plenty just need to find a way for them to be repeatable.
- If char driven stuff is what you're after instead of having the skates be another thing the pc can just buy or find, Audrey could swipe the pair from Hana before you do, and attempt to spruce them up a bit and give them as a gift to the pc.
Makes the key item more meaningful, calls back to an earlier scene, and shows shes willing to work outside her comfort zone for people she cares about or makes the refusal to tag along more crushing.
- Maybe leave the skating event for an Xpac cuz Val has only spoken to the pc maybe 3 or 4 times by then and most are just casual or her being moody about you porking her gf. Makes the massive truth-bomb a bit random, I'd recommend more interactions with Val or just shave it for later.
Take this all with a grain of salt they're your characters you know what's best for em. All in all I enjoyed the read, liked the characters, and thought Audrey was fucking adorable can't wait to see it develop more.
i see nothing for you to improve, your writing is good as is sex scenes, so right now you should focus working on Val expansion because as it is, this project wont be approved into TiTS
What I meant when I said the intro was for the initial encounter like the shop and day to day interactions. Then an event doc for the after hours and events. You could get away with cutting the formatting portion. It's okay if you want a section with what you want particular flags to do or mean,but an outline on how to read the doc is unnecessary. The segments labeled (???) 1 or 2 could be fused into one simple catch all. With the taur segments and other examples on how to format better I'd say look at a few of the other implemented docs to get a good idea of how to structure your scenes without all the general repetition.
Honestly I get what you're saying. The sex doesn't have to be cheap,quick,and causal best way to avoid that is just integrate it better into the story. Now that I think about it doesn't even need to be all sex could just be more intimate moments. They're plenty of scenes that exist that aren't solely sex. If Val lack of screen time is an issue could always let her jump the PC out in the wastes like every other SG we meet in game. Storm hits and winner carries loser into a cave to wait it out for a few hours of character development. She doesn't have to spill her entire backstory in one sitting. It just gives the two characters a chance to talk outside of why are you fucking my girlfriend repeatedly. But, given that there are merchants you can't fug and one off sex scenes exist, and it'll be left to the boss man's discretion.
I don't feel like we're on the same page with the skates thing.Best example I can think of is how no matter what your cousin always beats you to the first probe because story. It would be the same with Audrey, she asked Hana for the skates before you get a chance to because plot. She seems like the type of pup to go out of her way for people she cares for. It's not a heist or anything like that, it's just her getting the skates before you and slapping on a new coat of paint and maybe stitching the PC name on the tongue of the skates or something lovey dovey like that. Then handing them off as a gift to somebody special.
Second verse same as the first take it with a grain of salt. But, this isn't the first time submissions have been closed they'll re-open in time. In the meantime just think of it as more time to refine your submission.
Honestly I get what you're saying. The sex doesn't have to be cheap,quick,and causal best way to avoid that is just integrate it better into the story. Now that I think about it doesn't even need to be all sex could just be more intimate moments. They're plenty of scenes that exist that aren't solely sex. If Val lack of screen time is an issue could always let her jump the PC out in the wastes like every other SG we meet in game. Storm hits and winner carries loser into a cave to wait it out for a few hours of character development. She doesn't have to spill her entire backstory in one sitting. It just gives the two characters a chance to talk outside of why are you fucking my girlfriend repeatedly. But, given that there are merchants you can't fug and one off sex scenes exist, and it'll be left to the boss man's discretion.
I don't feel like we're on the same page with the skates thing.Best example I can think of is how no matter what your cousin always beats you to the first probe because story. It would be the same with Audrey, she asked Hana for the skates before you get a chance to because plot. She seems like the type of pup to go out of her way for people she cares for. It's not a heist or anything like that, it's just her getting the skates before you and slapping on a new coat of paint and maybe stitching the PC name on the tongue of the skates or something lovey dovey like that. Then handing them off as a gift to somebody special.
Second verse same as the first take it with a grain of salt. But, this isn't the first time submissions have been closed they'll re-open in time. In the meantime just think of it as more time to refine your submission.
This reminds me of the Carbonado shop on uveto. Did you get any inspiration from it?
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Okay, that looks way better makes reading through it seem less intimidating. Happy accidents with Audrey does sound like a great way to get repeats without breaking the flow of the story or her character. Only thing to gripe about outside of that is refining Val so she doesn't feel like a side character. You already said you're going to work on reworking the variables in the docs, so honestly you're good on that end. Just get more eyes on it, clean it up,flesh out your characters a bit more and you'll be golden.
Try posting up on the discord if you want more eyes on or more feedback quicker.
