Typos and Etc 2: Electric Boogaloo!

[PanzerGuitar00]

maybe restructure this into something along the lines of "Sci’Koh has turned the room into a mess of broken furniture and flipped tables. Here and there, broken vials have released bubbling fluids all over the floor, while icicles have left big holes inside innocent lockers and machines." Not sure where to place "stray notes". Maybe just snip it out? ill leave that up to you.

Here and there, broken vials have released bubbling fluids all over the floor, ruining stray notes and flipped tables. Sci’Koh turned the room into a mess of broken furniture, apparently. Icicles left big holes inside innocent lockers and machines. You are lucky that you won’t be the one who’ll be cleaning up after her.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

Again, no idication of who is actually speaking\

Spoiler

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

maybe replace transports with lifts

“Are you sure the lift is operational? Dr. Hellitrix’s guinea pigs damaged heavy geddanium doors — it wouldn’t surprise me if they sabotaged the transports as well.”

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

an oversight here, bit in order to progress, you actually need to go down in the elevator, not up, so that needs to be changed

Spoiler

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

change to "grav-cuffs". thats what he has wrapped around him iirc. also, maybe change "pharmacy" to "pharmaceutical"? not 100% sure on that one though

The elevator slowly goes down in a cacophony of grinding gears. Paulette calibrates her visor and arm cannon in case more chromed leyak assault you while Dabbebieth fidgets with his antigravity device. He floats up and down, trying to get the perfect setting to be at eye level with you. Zero Plus hops on her feet, making her pharmacy tits wobble like a bowl of jelly. You envy her carefree mind. Being a bimbo nurse must be so nice and easy: no worries, no trauma, just the will to serve and heal whoever she comes across.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

Maybe add in a bit where it decribes her hugging dabby boi close. thay way it shows that by "we'll sting them" she means herself and dabby. I actually had to reread this a few times to understand that was what she meant by this.

“Don’t worry Paullie Pally. Jinx and you are big toughies, y’all can protect us no problem. And if meanies try to snoop around you to get us, we’ll stabby sting them with our wigglies,” she says, playing with her drug-oozing tail.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

change fuel to power, as well as change "earths, steel," to "minerals, metals,"

“No silly! Dolomite is a kind of sedimentary rock. It’s very resistant to high temperatures. According to my readings, it’s similar to materials used in power plants and foundries. A steady stream of lava can both fuel a turbine and be harvested for rare earths, steel, and radioactive compounds.”

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

change "alleyway" to "corridor" or something similar. change suffices into "is enough", and maybe also remove the hyphens while aslo probably rework "into a deadly trap", that last bit seems a bit rough. lastly, replace the highlighted "the" with "a" and that wraps this up.


Long, blooming vines invade the alleyway. Sticky sap leaks from the bark and leaves as you pass by them. Looks like there’s a breakout in the Investigative Viridiplantae Yard.

“Gosh! The flowers are so pretty!”

Paulette doesn’t share Zero Plus’s enthusiasm. “These are Duskbanes — their beautiful bulbs are as lovely as their roots are poisonous. One flower suffices to turn a gallon of water into a deadly trap — and the icing on the cake: it thrives in frozen environments.”

“Do you think they tried to extract their genes and implant them into other plants?” Dabbebieth asks.

“Without the shadow of a doubt. Be ready to face anything.”

 

[LeDoraggo]

The first 2/3 of this paragraph honestly feels a bit rough, though i cant really put my finger on why or how to fix it, sorry. ill leave it up to your discretion

Paulette recovers a gasmask-like faceplate and fits it over Sci’Koh’s face. She connects it to a two gallon canister of water with a rubber funnel and turns the valve on. The clear liquid slowly drips in the telepath’s mouth, soothing her sore throat and fiery mind one drop at a time.

Maybe replace the "gasmask-like" description of the plate and just leave it at "mask-like"

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

Maybe replace the "gasmask-like" description of the plate and just leave it at "mask-like"

good call!

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

add "a" in between "in quest", and maybe also replace "walls" with "floor"? not sure about that last one tbh, dont think it makes any more sense.

Plants have completely overwhelmed the lab: roots pierce the walls and vines grow on support beams in quest for light and nutrients.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

replace "grinded" into "ground" and swap out the hyphen for a thicker one, or at last put another space in front of it

Paulette picks a delicate lily. “I carried loads of them before my XO days. The ones we had were nothing like this. They were frail, barely more than dried sprouts good only to be grinded into bland food paste. Just look at them! They’re so healthy, so lush, so full of life- Sorry. I think I’m gonna cry,” the former XO whispers, resting her fingers on a light blue sapling.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

For starters, theres been no prior mention of furniture on this level, so maybe this needs to get reworked.

Change to "rain down from".

change "the" to "a"

change "and" to "then", maybe?

change "without the" to "beyond a"

change "this" to "that"


This section of the Investigative Viridiplantae Yard is wilder than the rest. Large trees and thorns pierce the walls, hugging the furniture with their vibrant colors and iridescent spines. Droplets rain down the ceiling, watering the grassy soil and phosphorescent mushrooms. Long, thick vines block the doors leading to the shortcut to the main lab. They’re covered in bark as dense as steel, surrounded with voluptuous, blood-red poppies. You won’t cut them with conventional means!

“A dead end,” Dabbebieth gasps.

Paulette runs a sharp finger along the verdant tentacle. “I can feel a pulse! This glade... It’s a single, organic thing! The trees are her lungs, the grass her skin, the flowers her blood, these thorns are her feet, the leaves are her ears...”

And what’s her heart?

The former XO sets her eyes on the lush orchid in the middle of the pond. The huge flower spreads fragrant pollen all over the garden, filling the air with an intoxicating potency. “It’s here, without the shadow of a doubt. I’d rather not open it, if possible. Who knows what evil lurks inside this splendid shell.”

The western door is blocked by vegetation. Perhaps there’s a way to clear it?

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

change both "the" to "a", though maybe do some additional tweaking with the second one, idk...



Plants have completely overwhelmed the lab: roots pierce the walls and vines grow on support beams in quest for light and nutrients. Clear streams of pure, untainted water fertilize the soil and pool around the large orchid towering over the central tank.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

change to "of our own"

If I use my plasma weapons, we’ll risk burning alive in a forest fire of our creation.”

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

i genuinely feel bad for jaques at this point. the liver damage ive probably caused that man from driving him to drink lol....

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

maybe replace the question mark with a comma or ellipses or something

The bimbo nurse tilts her head. “Like? Make the fans all blowy windy?”

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

the first half is kinda contadictory to the second, so this maybe needs some adjusting. maybe a bit of the second half too, because im pretty sure the room would already be well lit. actually, maybe just change to "Suddenly, a tiny holoscreen appears in front of her eyes", that should solve all the issues.

Paulette tries to press the gemstone or to find a hidden switch but nothing comes out of it. A dim light shines through the room as a tiny holoscreen appears in front of her eyes. “Low Battery.”

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

again, no indication as to who is speaking

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

change to "at"


Paulette, Dabbebieth, and Zero Plus follow their own leads, examining branches the size of tree trunks piercing through the grass-covered soil and torn walls. No matter which side they start on, they all end up to the same point.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

change to "it". we dont know the true nature of the thing at this point


The former XO smiles. “Don’t worry. I know techniques to trim trees and vines without harming them. She won’t feel a thing.”

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

maybe change to "myth"? idk, sorry

Most surprising, however, is that her feet are merged with the giant orchid’s pistil, like a dryad of myths and various pornographic games!

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

remove the contractions here. they kinda take away from the intimidating prescence shes supposed to have in this scene


The emerald enchantress giggles. “I’m BL00M. I am the future. YOUR FUTURE! Come, my child, don’t be afraid. Join me and together, we will birth a new paradise into this plagued world!”

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

the italics and quotes got messed up here

BL00M smiles. “Of course you can! The more the merrier!” How about you two as well?”

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

missing space

They ooze fresh pre and girljuices all over her juicy thighs as you praise her divine bust.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

change to "you kiss her"

Aren’t we more comfortable now?” she teases. You kiss deeply, wrapping your tongues together for long, intense seconds.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

maybe change to "buttcheeks"

In the blink of an eye, Zero Plus’s tail slithers around BL00M’s waist and sneaks between her bountiful butt.

 

[PanzerGuitar00]

oversight here, as this doesnt match up with the slavebreaker i have enslaved.

actually now that i think about it, it doesnt match with any of the slavebreakers, because the only other enslavable one is pink iirc....