[Submitted] Varenyz, vesparan hive knight

Ace Hangman

Well-Known Member
Sep 16, 2021
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I read through it. It's a good framework. Got all the scaffolding and foundation for a character. I fixed all the typos I found and noted any suggestion, comments, etc. Once you've gone through those, I can do another read-thru.

Otherwise, I would say that a male hive-knight is a bit like a unicorn. Readers won't want to see it squandered. I suppose his backstory could work, but I think you'll really need to work on his interactions and character to make him feel right and like he fits and isn't like some horse-cocked wyld elf that just pops up occasionally in the woods.

I would recommend you add parsers that take any companions into account. I don't believe they are mentioned at all. For instance, when Varenyz takes you off a ways for sexy fun-times, do a check for companions and put a little message about them. Then at the end of the scene, put a check for companions and make a note that the Champ goes and rejoins them.

Other than that, when you first encounter him, or during subsequent encounters. Check for companions, specific ones that might have a comment about the hornet; be that Brint/Brienne, Cait, or Arona. Even if it's just to say that they hear a hornet nearby before he shows up (it's not a rare thing to encounter one it seems). But maybe one or two will have a specific comment about a male hive-knight (or wannabe hive-knight), whether it's encouraging, hopeful, denigrating, or otherwise.

But most especially, readers will likely expect Azyrran to have something to say and for Varenyz to have something to say to her if she's in the party. Of course, you'd also have to take into account whether she's currently a hive-knight, dragoon, or love knight/bimbo and write her dialogue accordingly. So there's still a bit of work to go, in my opinion, to polish it up. But I'll help when you get through this round of editing.
 
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Knife-wielding Crab

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Dec 25, 2017
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Thanks for your help. I agree that I need to expand on the non-smut parts and will probably work on that after I've gone through your suggestions.
 

Knife-wielding Crab

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Dec 25, 2017
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Added a longer section if it's the first time you've got Azzyran in your party when you meet Varenyz, with variations for knight, bimbug and dragoon.

Will probably expand some more with some shorter interactions with other partymembers, aswell as a shorter repeat encounter with Azyrran.
 

Knife-wielding Crab

Well-Known Member
Dec 25, 2017
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Added more party flavour and also a section in the talk scene were you talk to him about the hive. This is probably the last big change I'll do to this dock outside of editing.

I'll probably hold of with submitting this untill I get response on my other submissions.
 
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Dreamer44

Well-Known Member
Apr 25, 2020
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I got restless and and tried my hand at writing an NPC.

Varenyz the hive knight is a hornet-boy knight that decided to take up adventuring instead of sitting around the hive and getting spoiled like his brothers. Only appears if you purified the hive in the old forest.

Contains a lot of kissing, body appretiation and service twunks.
Nice character. Good luck with the submission.
 
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