[Submitted] small Livrea expack: strapon time

[Magenta Needle]

Hello everyone, I tried my hands on writing a scene for our Minoan Moo bard to let her have some more fun with you
I would appreciate it if I could have some feedback before I submit it, to check if my parsing skills are ok, if typos or grammatical mistakes went over my head or if things are too all over the place
I'm mostly doing it because someone told me and I quote "Do it coward", sohere it is

Little Livrea expack : Strapon Time

docs.google.com

 

[Shrike675]

It's the noodle!

 

[WolframL]

I like, I like a lot. More strawberry moo is good, strawberry moo taking a strapon to the Champ? Even better. One thing I thought might be easier to comment on here instead of on the doc:

‘‘ Is that so ? I might have something to take care of your [silly|Mighty] need’’, leaving the softness of her bed to fetch [a] {first time : heavy wooden chest |familiar chest} from her room’s cupboard.

You're kind of missing a subject here, but adding 'she says' after the sentence or making her words one sentence and the second half its own sentence (and changing it to something like '...bed, she fetches' would sound better.

She [silly| solves quickly the wordlock puzzle| unlocks it with a brass key from her dresser] to reveal her treasure

Yeah, I laughed. I wonder what the riddle would be in this silly-mode universe. Maybe just 'What's in the box? Hint: It rhymes with 'Lock'...

 

[Animalistic]

Did you perhaps write the doc in Word or some other program before copy-pasying it into the doc? There are a lot of extra spacases to be found in the text.

 

[Magenta Needle]

Ok, thank you all for the quick feedback
What I would want to also know is if the rythm is ok (not too slow, not too fast) or if it gets too verbose for nough at some points
alternatively, if some paragraphs should be stitched back together

 

[arch99]

The easiest way to deal with extra spaces is to probably find and replace for the string ' ' turning it into ' '. That should take any occurrence of 2 spaces and make it into one space.

 

[Stzk619]

I'm mostly doing it because someone told me and I quote "Do it coward", so here it is

If ever there were a more potent motivation than spite, I’ve yet to discover it!

Jesting aside, I feel WolframL summed it up rather well; pacing is rather solid on the whole, and it’s impressive work for a first submission!

 

[Magenta Needle]

I've made some edits to the scenes, a piece of advice pointed a big flaw in the writing mixed with many errors.
I hope it comes out juicier now

 

[Animalistic]

Try fixing up all the extra spaces...