Hi. Long time lurker that wrote some scenes. They are:
Prince Nyze blowjob (kinda gay)
Jin-Jin massage (very gay)
Prince Nyze blowjob (kinda gay)
Jin-Jin massage (very gay)
[Submitted] Blowing Nyze and massaging Jin-Jin
- Thread starter Knife-wielding Crab
- Start date
Congratulations on putting your work and ideas out there. It definitely takes courage and dedication to put your thoughts and ideas down and then put them out for others to see. I'm just one person, but I can see a good grasp of grammar and spelling.
The only thing that might be worth mentioning in regards to your Nyze scene is the constant use of Bee. I don't just mean how many times the word is used, but I believe Nyze (and all the hornetfolk) are Vesparan, which is a distinct difference from the bees or beefolk (like Rumie from the Wayfort bar). While they both might be chitinous, buzzy, winged, lay eggs, and produce and love honey, I believe the hornets are more war-like and martial and typically raid the beefolk for the honey since the beefolk produce greater amounts (Nyze's hive is an exception due to Kasyrra's influence).
I think calling him a bee-boi or "your bee boy" might be okay once (especially if you're teasing him in a domination aspect, whether it annoys him in character or not), but I think you should use 'hornet', 'Vesperan', 'drone', 'royal fuckboy', or other descriptors more than 'bee'. As well as the introduction scene where Nyze is milking one his charges, who is referred to as a 'honey bee' but should just be called a 'horny hornet' or a 'honey-filled hornet' or 'one of the female hornets' or something. Just my opinion, though.
The only thing that might be worth mentioning in regards to your Nyze scene is the constant use of Bee. I don't just mean how many times the word is used, but I believe Nyze (and all the hornetfolk) are Vesparan, which is a distinct difference from the bees or beefolk (like Rumie from the Wayfort bar). While they both might be chitinous, buzzy, winged, lay eggs, and produce and love honey, I believe the hornets are more war-like and martial and typically raid the beefolk for the honey since the beefolk produce greater amounts (Nyze's hive is an exception due to Kasyrra's influence).
I think calling him a bee-boi or "your bee boy" might be okay once (especially if you're teasing him in a domination aspect, whether it annoys him in character or not), but I think you should use 'hornet', 'Vesperan', 'drone', 'royal fuckboy', or other descriptors more than 'bee'. As well as the introduction scene where Nyze is milking one his charges, who is referred to as a 'honey bee' but should just be called a 'horny hornet' or a 'honey-filled hornet' or 'one of the female hornets' or something. Just my opinion, though.
Thank's for the feedback. I will look into it.
Also thanks for the encouragement.
Writing and showing it to stranger gets way less scarier when you don't take your craft to seriously. For example: it is not the end of the world if my 5 page porn scene flops. Life moves on.
Also thanks for the encouragement.
Writing and showing it to stranger gets way less scarier when you don't take your craft to seriously. For example: it is not the end of the world if my 5 page porn scene flops. Life moves on.
Updated the doc and swapped out all the bee's. Except in the bimbo part. Thought it would be fitting with a bimbo not being able to tell the difference.
There's nothing wrong with calling him 'bee boy' or 'bee boi' (though I think that's a bit too modern slang, maybe okay for Silly) in any mode, bimbo or not, especially corrupted or dark knight, and especially if you're trying to dom/domme or put him in his place and make him seem like a subby little beefolk who needs some bullying. As long as it's the words or speech, not the normal text. But then, I'm just some guy.
Okay, I went through and gave it a read-thru and noted some typos and made some suggestions that are, of course, just suggestions or opinions.
Other than some questioning on whether Nyze wears gloves and boots. I don't think he or Azyrran do, I think that's all chitin-plating on their forearms and lower legs, though the busts do resemble such articles of clothing, the descriptions in text don't.
Okay, I went through and gave it a read-thru and noted some typos and made some suggestions that are, of course, just suggestions or opinions.
Other than some questioning on whether Nyze wears gloves and boots. I don't think he or Azyrran do, I think that's all chitin-plating on their forearms and lower legs, though the busts do resemble such articles of clothing, the descriptions in text don't.
I read through your comments and they where really helpfull. I fixed all the glove/chitin errors and did the bee comments more consistent.
And a big thanks for helping with the typos, especially all the shortened words. They don't really exist in my language so they are really hard to spot for me when i screw them up.
And a big thanks for helping with the typos, especially all the shortened words. They don't really exist in my language so they are really hard to spot for me when i screw them up.
I read through the Jin-jin story. I corrected any obvious typos I found, I made some suggestions for other words and left some notes and comments which are largely just my opinion and should be taken as such. I obviously am not in charge of what does and doesn't get accepted and there's probably lots of things I missed that the authors look for.
The main thing is that I believe 'Jin-jin' has been universally spelled with only the first letter capitalized in the text scenes. I didn't correct those, but a Find and Replace should do that easily enough.
One other thing, the Fusata codex does indicate that they bear striking resemblance to the normal Macaque monkey (that exists in our world and is also in their homeland of Macah). I am hoping someone can earn bonus points by working in a (probably Silly variable) where one of you manages to work in how much you "Love Macaque" or something... I'll show myself out.
The main thing is that I believe 'Jin-jin' has been universally spelled with only the first letter capitalized in the text scenes. I didn't correct those, but a Find and Replace should do that easily enough.
One other thing, the Fusata codex does indicate that they bear striking resemblance to the normal Macaque monkey (that exists in our world and is also in their homeland of Macah). I am hoping someone can earn bonus points by working in a (probably Silly variable) where one of you manages to work in how much you "Love Macaque" or something... I'll show myself out.
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Read the Nyze stuff, pretty good. Someone was breaking the lines and paragraphs, so I pitched in and finished the job. For future reference, try to keep your paragraphs up to 4-5 sentences; when they pass 6 they start to enter the eye-glazing territory. Also, remember to give space to dialogue lines when characters speak to one another. For example, looking into any storybook or interactive narrative game dialogue scene.
After getting a response from the dev team i went back and tried to improve on both my submissions. Mostly punctuation and grammar. I've also rewritten large parts of both submission to make them more fluent and better show, dont tell. Especially the Jin-jin submission got a overhaul. Being the first time I written smut and also the first longer text in english, it was a bit of a train-wreck.