[Rejected/Requesting Additional Editing Assistance] Emmy Slip & Slide

[Darvan]

S'up Fen Forums. Around the very beginning, when I started on my project on Arcadia, Fen unintentionally goaded me into making a scene for Emmy on the Discord server.

I have a little bit of experience writing smut, but I'm rusty af. The smart move would have been to post it on here, but I didn't recieve too much feedback initially. I already submitted it, and it got turned down. Please keep in mind that this was my first attempt at any form of written smut in about two years, so my writing hinges be creaking.

Unfortunately, Fen had to turn it down for the time being.

It's a fairly simple two-variant scene for the one-and-only futa jackal-morph - Emmy - involving some cock worship and butt lovin' wherein you use her cum for lube on either her ass or your ass.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Xv8hrlsUazyFKb_MB---shUVTz9f-eb6jNCFJGWdq5M/edit?usp=drivesdk

Would appreciate any additional feedback.

 

[zero point sixty]

From a skim, it actually seems pretty good. There are a few grammatical and vocabulary errors, and I'd have a couple of pointers style-wise. Before I take a closer look, did Fenoxo give you any specific feedback as to why it was rejected? That would give anyone who wants to help a much better idea of what to focus on.

 

[William.]

Can you post a link that allows comments and suggestions on the doc?

 

[Darvan]

The document has been updated again to allow for commenting.

To directly quote Fen from Discord, when I asked him what was wrong with it, he said:
"From my skim, the issues are more with grammar and some of the text coming across as sort of stiff".

I'm not quite sure what he meant by that, but I welcome any examples.

 

[William.]

I looked over and covered the setup scene. I made a lot of changes with a few comments.

Fen's comment about stiff text and grammar were true, and all of my changes reflect that. If I do anymore it'll start reading like something of mine, but it should give you an understanding. I'm not very familiar with Emmy as a whole but you sound like you are, and that's where you need to step in if my suggestions don't fit her personality.

From here, I hope this gives you some ideas on how to 'go through the motions', so to speak.

More comments:

• Scene flow was stiff, and there are overused words. There needs to be plenty of details during sex, as seen in this picture. Think of things that reach out and grab you sexually, is my only advice because that is what I operate on.
• There was an instance the player was assumed to be clothed, so check for areas where you may be assuming rather than writing variations.
• There are a couple points where you drag out a sentence with something like 'for a moment' and this happens frequently, which makes the scene feel leaden. This is a flow issue.

Even some of my changes may not fit the overall flow, so look carefully over it all. The part about the herm harness in that whole sequence I'm not 100% feeling, for example. I'm not a formal editor, but what I've done, as said, should get this back up and help you figure out where to go style-wise.