Build: 0.2.49
Issue: Two occurrences in the same scene, where the way the sentences at the end of one paragraph, and the start of the other don't apply to each other, and cause some confusion.
Occurence #1:
In screenshot Occurrence1, I think the following text needs to be moved around, as the way it is now doesn't sounds right based on Kiyoko's comment and the MC's response:
Kiyoko moans as you reach down and rub her nipples in turn between thumb and forefinger — she always gets so sensitive when her body starts craving children. "I... I want more. More. It hurts to be empty. It hurts to be alone and away from you."
Hush now, there's no need to say such nonsense; that's the drink talking, not her.
As-is, it feels like it's implying that the MC is saying that Kiyoko's comment about being alone and away from you is the sake talking, when in the Astral Plane it was the part where she says, "I... I want more. More. It hurts to be empty." It may be all right as-is, but it just sounds like a dick thing to say to their wife that her hating being alone and away from the MC is just because she's drunk.
I think it may sound better if her sentences are flipped and she says:
"It hurts to be alone and away from you. I... I want more. More. It hurts to be empty."
Occurrence #2:
In screenshot Occurrence2, I think the paragraph with the following text needs to have a sentence moved around either in the first or second paragraph:
"Ehehehe. Did I drain you that much? You're already going soft inside me..." Kiyoko cuddles up against you and gives you a drunken, sex-addled kiss on the cheek. Odd, tears are running down her cheeks. Is she sad? "...If you don't want to have me go overboard, take responsibility and knock me up often, okay?"
Maybe? It's getting hard to think straight, not with so much slutty vixen wrapped about you — arms, legs, head and all of her nine tails. Warm water's still dripping from your bodies even as you pick her up and help her towards her home...
The text before the MC's response of "Maybe?" should probably be the sentence "Did I drain you that much? You're already going soft inside me…" as the they're responding to that question with "Maybe?" and not to her statement about "not going overboard."
Issue: Two occurrences in the same scene, where the way the sentences at the end of one paragraph, and the start of the other don't apply to each other, and cause some confusion.
Occurence #1:
In screenshot Occurrence1, I think the following text needs to be moved around, as the way it is now doesn't sounds right based on Kiyoko's comment and the MC's response:
Kiyoko moans as you reach down and rub her nipples in turn between thumb and forefinger — she always gets so sensitive when her body starts craving children. "I... I want more. More. It hurts to be empty. It hurts to be alone and away from you."
Hush now, there's no need to say such nonsense; that's the drink talking, not her.
As-is, it feels like it's implying that the MC is saying that Kiyoko's comment about being alone and away from you is the sake talking, when in the Astral Plane it was the part where she says, "I... I want more. More. It hurts to be empty." It may be all right as-is, but it just sounds like a dick thing to say to their wife that her hating being alone and away from the MC is just because she's drunk.
I think it may sound better if her sentences are flipped and she says:
"It hurts to be alone and away from you. I... I want more. More. It hurts to be empty."
Occurrence #2:
In screenshot Occurrence2, I think the paragraph with the following text needs to have a sentence moved around either in the first or second paragraph:
"Ehehehe. Did I drain you that much? You're already going soft inside me..." Kiyoko cuddles up against you and gives you a drunken, sex-addled kiss on the cheek. Odd, tears are running down her cheeks. Is she sad? "...If you don't want to have me go overboard, take responsibility and knock me up often, okay?"
Maybe? It's getting hard to think straight, not with so much slutty vixen wrapped about you — arms, legs, head and all of her nine tails. Warm water's still dripping from your bodies even as you pick her up and help her towards her home...
The text before the MC's response of "Maybe?" should probably be the sentence "Did I drain you that much? You're already going soft inside me…" as the they're responding to that question with "Maybe?" and not to her statement about "not going overboard."
Attachments
-
Occurrence1.png -
Occurrence2.png