Hey! There's some really hot stuff in here so far, and I don't even care much for milk play! I've pointed out some stylistic tendencies that slow down your writing--primarily reusing images / ideas multiple times in a graf, placing emphasis on internal rather than external actions, and an overuse of bolding--in the first two pages. If any of these comments seem helpful, I recommend doing another edit to see where you'd like to revise away from these tendencies, and I'd be happy to look at it again after! If not, as Ace always says, these are one person's comments: if they're not helpful, that's on you to decide!
However, the overuse of bolding does definitively need to be cut down before submission.
Really impressed with the depth and breadth of this, Kurama!
