Grammar and typo errors in Syri's gaming tournament dialogs, a thread

[Taeio]

The first screenshot showcases an error that is just an oversight of who is speaking when. When Syri is finished signing in for the first time, and the player refuses to register as well, the dialog goes: "You shake your head, and the fluffy registrar giggles. “Aww, you sure? You definitely look like you’ve got the stuff for the big screen. Well, I’m glad miss... Doorknocks, is it? I’m glad she’s got somebody to cheer her on!”"

The next bit of dialog implies that Steele is saying it, but it could be less ambiguous. “Actually she’s Ms. Doorknocks. But hey, that’s an idea!” Note there is no indication of Steele speaking this dialog, even though it is implied.

Proposed solution: Put "You respond," in front of, “Actually she’s Ms. Doorknocks. But hey, that’s an idea!” This will make the paragraph flow smoother, with who is saying what more clear.

Full text of screenshot 1, unformatted:

You shake your head, and the fluffy registrar giggles. “Aww, you sure? You definitely look like you’ve got the stuff for the big screen. Well, I’m glad miss... Doorknocks, is it? I’m glad she’s got somebody to cheer her on!” “Actually she’s Ms. Doorknocks. But hey, that’s an idea!” Syri grins, handing the datapad back and grabbing you by the shoulder. “Why don’t you come and watch me kick intergalactic ass? Better than catching the highlight reel on MeToobe. Besides, I’d love to have my own personal cheerleader on the front row.”

Screenshot 2 occurs after choosing "Cheer On!" Doesn't matter if you pitch or catch, the scene after that has this error: "Syri groans wearily, wiping cool cum from her bare midriff. “I... probably should have actually gotten some sleep last night. But I guess I’ll just have to rely on my charming source of inspiration to see keep me going today, won't I?""

The word "see" is redundant here and should just be removed.

Full text of screenshot 2, unformatted:

You completely lose track of time, and how many times you and Syri reach messy, loud climaxes. It takes the alarm on Syri’s holoband blaring in your ear while its owner is tongue-fucking your mouth to finally snap you out of your lust-dazed trance. “Wha- oh fuck!” your lover gasps when you shake her out of it, indicating the flashing light on her wrist. “That’s the first call... ah hell, is it morning already!?” Syri groans wearily, wiping cool cum from her bare midriff. “I... probably should have actually gotten some sleep last night. But I guess I’ll just have to rely on my charming source of inspiration to see keep me going today, won’t I?”

Screenshot 3. I went back and checked the "Catch" option's dialog. There was nothing wrong with "Pitch," but that doesn't mean "Catch" is good too. So this error occurs before screenshot 2 in the flow of the content; you have selected "Cheer On!" then "Catch."

"Your heart leaps in your chest, eliciting a moan of absolute bliss as Syri fills you every inch of her canine schmeat." The "schmeat" is fine, that's not the problem here. "as Syri fills you every inch". Perhaps this should say, "as Syri fills you with every inch".

Full text of screenshot 3, unformatted:

Your heart leaps in your chest, eliciting a moan of absolute bliss as Syri fills you every inch of her canine schmeat. The ausar girl goes from kissing you to biting your shoulder, a feral display of dominance and passion all rolled into one spike of ecstatic pain. Her tail is a blur behind her, wagging so fast it practically propels her balls-deep into you. Her fist-sized breaker thumps urgently against your lips, nearly breaching you before Syri regains control and starts to draw back.

Another error in the "Catch" dialog, and a common one amongst everything this thread will report. "As it stands, her seed sloshes wetly inside you, smearing you inner walls like lube." This, like many to come, is a simple fix. Instead of "smearing you inner..." it should be "smearing your inner..."

Full text of screenshot 4, unformatted:

Well if she’s still got all that energy to be a brat, you just need to point out that you’ve still not cum. Syri’s ears flatten, just as you’re about to flatten her... You grin down at the tuckered pup and grab that tush of hers, rolling the both of you over so you’re on top this time, still tied by the knot and so full of cum you’d be leaking it down your thighs if you weren’t plugged up. As it stands, her seed sloshes wetly inside you, smearing you inner walls like lube. Good — that’ll make what’s to come easier.

This next error comes after clicking "Yes!" during the dialog of screenshot error 2. In the dialog that follows, the error is in this section: “You’re the best! And the sexiest! C’mon, let’s get your dolled up and jet. I gotta be down there in like 20 minutes.”

"C'mon, let's get your dolled up" should be "C'mon, lets get you dolled up".

Full text of screenshot 5, unformatted:

She pumps a fist into the air so hard that she hops off the deck entirely, wagging her tail and throwing her arms around your neck on the way down. “You’re the best! And the sexiest! C’mon, let’s get your dolled up and jet. I gotta be down there in like 20 minutes.”

 

[Taeio]

Error number 6 is in the same dialog as error 5, in the next paragraph. "milk-filled udders before the gets your" should read "milk-filled udders before she gets your", a simple typo.

Full text of screenshot 6, unformatted:

Lucky her you’re just an elevator ride away. Syri pulls your new top over your arms from behind, taking the opportunity to feel up your immense, milk-filled udders before the gets your new shirt snugly fit around it. It’s a perfect fit... well, maybe a little tight, but that just shows off your body all the more. You tell her she ought to be careful — she needs to keep her attention on the games, not her personal cheer squad in stands.

Error 7 happens in the very next scene, first paragraph. "You quickly finish getting dressed and grab you things," should be "You quickly finish getting dressed and grab your things,"

Full text of screenshot 7, unformatted:

You quickly finish getting dressed and grab you things, then follow Syri to the space elevator. She’s cinched her coat tight, and even still leans into you for warmth, tail flicking against your thigh as the chill of the icy world below draws ever-nearer.

Errors 8, 9, 10, and 11 appear in the very next paragraph after error 7.
Error 8: "doors opening onto a packed-full building." It may be just the anal retentive part of me but I believe the "onto" in this part should be "into."
Error 9: "The noise of yesterdays has quadrupled" "yesterdays" should probably be "yesterday"
Error 10: "thumping against your ears with the sheer power of the base." "base" at the end is definitely supposed to be "bass"
Error 11: "The number of cosplayers has grown, too," The "has" here should probably be "have"

Full text of screenshot 8, unformatted:

“Alright, pro circuit, I hope you’re ready cuz here I come!” Syri all but howls as the elevator locks into place, doors opening onto a packed-full building. The noise of yesterdays has quadrupled in intensity, thumping against your ears with the sheer power of the base. The number of cosplayers has grown, too, mingling with the audience-members starting to pack the outpost. Syri hurries over to the registration desk again, and comes back with a pair of plastic bands.

Error 12 is another simple typo in the third paragraph of this dialog. "affixing one to you wrist." "you" here should be "your"

Full text of screenshot 9, unformatted:

“Here’s your guest pass,” she says, affixing one to you wrist. “You’re right on the front row, seat F12. Wish me luck, Taeia!”

Possible error 13 is just a personal preference. Maybe it's yours too. In the 4th paragraph of this current dialog, "until the exhibition hall finally is opened to the public," should probably read "until the exhibition hall is finally opened to the public,"

Full text of screenshot 10, unformatted:

You give Syri a kiss good luck and send her off to the green room with a slap on the ass that keeps her tail wagging till long after she’s out of sight. Once she’s gone, you spend the last few minutes before things get underway ogling cosplayers and watching demo reels on the wall-screens until the exhibition hall finally is opened to the public, and streams of avid gamers start pouring in. It’s a little jarring, having spent so long on the frontier and risking life and limb, only now to be packed in with so many carefree people, all smiles and laughs and silly costumes they’ve poured their hearts into. You barely see any weapons without a red muzzle, and all the armor is clearly made of cardboard and plastic.

 

[Taeio]

Errors of screenshot 11 are maybe 2. These are in paragraph 6 of the current dialog. The first error is definite: "With the hall open now open," The first "open" is redundant, it can be removed.

Possible error 2: "you join the hustle and bustle of people squeezing in, guiding to your assigned seat by your ID band." The word "guiding" here probably isn't the right word for what is being described here. Maybe "moving" is better, but then the sentence fragment would have to read, "moving to your assigned seat designated by your ID band." I think I'm missing something here. "guiding to your" may be perfectly grammatically correct. I'm not an expert, just extremely grammatically fluent, and to me, this feels wrong. Not my call though, I leave it to you.

Full text of screenshot 11, unformatted:

With the hall open now open, you join the hustle and bustle of people squeezing in, guiding to your assigned seat by your ID band. A couple of nerds get busted at the door for fakies, pinged by an unseen sensor and quickly nabbed by huskar men in security uniforms, but most of the commotion is just the overpowering din of people yammering on excitedly. The hall has been modeled almost like a sports arena, with stands for the audience surrounding a circular stage in the middle with twenty four consoles all facing each other. The VidyaMonster logo is painted loud and proud beneath them, and every holo-rig is covered in JoyCo stickers and other sponsor logos.

The final paragraph of this current dialog contains a possible error, more of a contradiction. "so you take your seat and hurry up and wait." "hurry up and" can be removed here as one simply can not "hurry up and wait." you either hurry up or wait. Can't do both.

Full text of screenshot 12, unformatted:

A couple of techs are still out on the stage doing last-moment checks. There’s no sign of the gamers themselves yet, so you take your seat and hurry up and wait.

The error in screenshot 13 isn't so much an error as an omission. It occurs in paragraph 2 of the next dialog scene after screenshot 12's scene: "we have chosen the fully-realized and beautifully photo-digitized warzone of Thragabad, deep in the Thraggen demilitarized systems" What was this chosen for? I suggest adding "as the battle zone" to the end of this sentence, because it is implied, but not made clear by the declaration.

Full text of screenshot 13, unformatted:

The lights dim as the announcer drawls on. The consoles light up, spooling to life with flashing Call of Valor logos. “Tonight’s tournament is a free-for-all battle royale. In honor of the first DLC release tomorrow, and since it’s a new map none of the players have had a chance to get their hands on and explore, we have chosen the fully-realized and beautifully photo-digitized warzone of Thragabad, deep in the Thraggen demilitarized systems. Every inch from the shattered moons to the bombed out colonies are fully explorable and randomly populated with friends and foes! Who among our challengers can navigate an unfamiliar solar system, hunt down the other players, and claim dominance — who will answer the-”

Error 1 of screenshot 14 is Kaede is not at this tournament according to Anno in a previous dialog. So, "followed shortly by Anno and Kaede," should say, "followed shortly by Anno," Now, this is my instance of the tournament. It is quite possible that you can get Kaede to join in the festivities. However, Kaede was NOT involved in my festivities, so she should not be mentioned as being there if she's not supposed to be there.
Error 2 of screenshot 14 is a simple typo. "tail still wagging hard with the adrenalin from her clutch play" "adrenalin" should be "adrenaline"

Full text of screenshot 14, unformatted:

Several scantily-clad stage bunnies come out with a trophy and bags of swag, loading Syri down with bling before she’s escorted off the stage and into a little gaggle of gaming press. You slip out of the crowd while you can, followed shortly by Anno and Kaede, heading towards the door she’d gone through to get backstage. Syri emerges a few minutes later, tail still wagging hard with the adrenalin from her clutch play at the end there. She’s beaming radiantly, holding her faux-gold trophy to her chest. The moment Syri sees you, her free hand sweeps you up into a great big hug that very quickly becomes a passionate, tongue-filled kiss.

Disclaimer: not everything listed here may be an error. I've tried to declare this where appropriate. Maybe something in this list isn't an error and I've listed it anyway, to my error. I've tried hard not to do that, but it isn't my call. I can only declare these are the errors I observed while going through this content, whether they are actual errors or not. Maybe just personal preferences, maybe not. Like I said in one of the instances, I'm not a grammatical expert, so I only listed those things I KNOW are errors. There are probably more than this, but if there are, they are too out of my league to even mention. Hopefully this allows the improvement of the content.