[Finished] Murphy's Fish 'N' Chips
- Thread starter Lunta
- Start date
1. Your punctuation and grammar is nearly flawless. I was only able to find a few mistakes here and there, and they were very minor. With dialogue you can get away with a lot more than in the regular sections of the text.
I am sorry to hear that story and about how it put you off writing. I think you are quite a talented writer, and I can only imagine where you would be if it hadn't put you off of writing.
2. In the majority of the game, Steel's dialogue is essentially what you have: You ask his thoughts on Esbeth's other residents. Or: You tell him you were quite pleased with the meal. Etc. Without quotation marks.
I think it was purposefully done this way so that the player can more easily put themselves into Steele's shoes. However, I have read other documents where people don't do that, where they instead give Steele actual dialogue.
3. Being Canadian I am more familiar with British English as well, so those things often easily slip past me. I haven't encountered anything like that in your document, but that could also be me missing it out of habit too.
4. The only time it becomes kind of, too much, is during the scene when he turns down the player for sex. At least for me. I am sure other people will have different opinions. I know some people don't like it when you actually write how they speak with the accent into the dialogue, rather than just using: 'he says in his lilting Irish accent.' Got that mostly out of this thread: https://forum.fenoxo.com/threads/code-name-irelaid-suspended.10614/
Edit: Is it bad that I imagine him talking with Miles O'Brien's voice (from Star Trek)?
I am sorry to hear that story and about how it put you off writing. I think you are quite a talented writer, and I can only imagine where you would be if it hadn't put you off of writing.
2. In the majority of the game, Steel's dialogue is essentially what you have: You ask his thoughts on Esbeth's other residents. Or: You tell him you were quite pleased with the meal. Etc. Without quotation marks.
I think it was purposefully done this way so that the player can more easily put themselves into Steele's shoes. However, I have read other documents where people don't do that, where they instead give Steele actual dialogue.
3. Being Canadian I am more familiar with British English as well, so those things often easily slip past me. I haven't encountered anything like that in your document, but that could also be me missing it out of habit too.
4. The only time it becomes kind of, too much, is during the scene when he turns down the player for sex. At least for me. I am sure other people will have different opinions. I know some people don't like it when you actually write how they speak with the accent into the dialogue, rather than just using: 'he says in his lilting Irish accent.' Got that mostly out of this thread: https://forum.fenoxo.com/threads/code-name-irelaid-suspended.10614/
Edit: Is it bad that I imagine him talking with Miles O'Brien's voice (from Star Trek)?
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I like what you've got here. Murphy seems like a pretty charming fellow, and I think the game needs more people you can just interact with a little. And I like that he's faithful to his wife but takes it as a compliment if Steele wants to fuck him. 
I also like the idea of having someone who's genuinely new to all the weird stuff the galaxy has to offer, though I agree with RanmaChan that you should have some explanation of why he's so sheltered. When he talks about "the core", I think of the sort of place where everybody mixes, not a place that would seem backward by Steele's standards. The "traditional colony" background you mentioned might work better.
The only issues I saw in the document were some missing spaces between paragraphs, and I suggested those. Sorry for the spam on the doc, but I thought adding them would be easier than typing up "Enter a paragraph break here." "Here too" "Here too" and so on.
I also like the idea of having someone who's genuinely new to all the weird stuff the galaxy has to offer, though I agree with RanmaChan that you should have some explanation of why he's so sheltered. When he talks about "the core", I think of the sort of place where everybody mixes, not a place that would seem backward by Steele's standards. The "traditional colony" background you mentioned might work better.The only issues I saw in the document were some missing spaces between paragraphs, and I suggested those. Sorry for the spam on the doc, but I thought adding them would be easier than typing up "Enter a paragraph break here." "Here too" "Here too" and so on.
