Femmy/Trap Orc-boy

[DaisukeKaiser]

This is a character I've been working on, in my free time for I'd say almost about a month now. This is also my first time I've ever written something like this in some areas (Sex scenes mostly) Though while I consider it mostly complete I'd appreciate as many opinion's or correction's as possible.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZKUkV3BHpVLcNAddFmoolSnYifYXkq9a-8AGmfXCEQY

Keep in mind, this is my first time doing this so please forgive me if my use of parsers isn't that great I'm working on improving as best I can in my free-time.

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

Oh also forgot to mention this yesterday I myself haven't played a character with the Dark Knight or Bimbo personality and I don't plan to not until the game is flushed out a tad more, so if anyone is interested and would like to I'd love it if you could help me out by writing out differing dialogue for those personalities

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

So it's been 3 days since I posted this and I haven't gotten a single comment... I really don't know what else to work on with this, feedback of any kind would be appreciated as not only will it help me flush out this character even more, but me with anything else I may write in the future.

 

[TheShepard256]

You want feedback? Okay, I'll try...

• So, he's actually a half-orc? Good! Hybrids are underrated, and we could use more of them in-game. This is actually the only thing content-wise that appeals to me (I'm indifferent to the rest), so the rest of my feedback will be technical in nature.
• You tend to use {If pc is male or genderless “Chuckling” / if pc is female or herm “Giggling”} quite a bit. This has a problem (aside from the PC can't be sexless): you're using the PC's sex for something that is more appropriately associated with their gender; the parser [pc.mf|Chuckling|Giggling] would be more appropriate. Speaking of which...
  
• You should read the parser documentation to make things easier, especially with things related to genital configuration during sex scenes. At the very least, it'll shorten some of those "if" statements (see the above point for an example).

 

[Upcast Drake]

You tend to use {If pc is male or genderless “Chuckling” / if pc is female or herm “Giggling”} quite a bit. This has a problem (aside from the PC can't be sexless): you're using the PC's sex for something that is more appropriately associated with their gender; the parser [pc.mf|Chuckling|Giggling] would be more appropriate. Speaking of which...

The preferred way to do this is [pc.mascFem|Chuckling|Giggling]. This way, a very feminine man (trap for lack of a better porn appropriate term) can giggle and a very masculine woman (butch for lack of a better porn appropriate term) can chuckle. [pc.mf||] should basically only be used for pronouns, while [pc.mascFem||] is the preferred way for most everything else.

 

[TheShepard256]

Also: since he's part of the Kervus tribe, and specifically is close to Hretha, you should probably clear this with Savin if you haven't already.

The preferred way to do this is [pc.mascFem|Chuckling|Giggling]. This way, a very feminine man (trap for lack of a better porn appropriate term) can giggle and a very masculine woman (butch for lack of a better porn appropriate term) can chuckle. [pc.mf||] should basically only be used for pronouns, while [pc.mascFem||] is the preferred way for most everything else.

Ah, sorry, didn't know that. I'm too used to TiTS parsers, I guess.

 

[TheShepard256]

Well, if i recall correctly, it was sort of an ordering issue, Had to have it done to show Savin to have Savin give the go ahead to make it to show Savin... catch 22. So in essence, the doc being up to snuff enough to go public with it is also the level of snuff needed to even show him.

(don't mistake my familiarity with the project as it in anyway being partly mine, it's all Daisuke's work, all credit to him, i just answered his questions and pointed him in various directions along the way).

By "clear this with Savin" I meant, "get his permission to write for a character closely linked to his own content (specifically, Kervus tribe and Hretha), so as to avoid any potential 'stepping on toes' issues later on".

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

Noted and corrected. Thanks for the advice so far, it's made the sex scenes that I've written even better. As well I have read the parser documentation but apparently some of it I must've missed so in my free time I'll look it over again.

Edit: I finished looking through parser's for genital's and adjusted the sex scenes accordingly. Please tell me your thoughts or correction's if I messed up. Thank you.

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

I noticed I overused a certain parser in my scenes so I just finished correcting it. So if you happened to see it yesterday I do apologize for the mess, but I do believe I fixed it. Also does anyone know a parser to tell if the pc is male, female, AND herm? There's the one Shepard mentioned but that's only for male and female. I've been reading the parser document for the last hour and can't find anything that or I'm just blind ^^"

 

[TheShepard256]

I noticed I overused a certain parser in my scenes so I just finished correcting it. So if you happened to see it yesterday I do apologize for the mess, but I do believe I fixed it. Also does anyone know a parser to tell if the pc is male, female, AND herm? There's the one Shepard mentioned but that's only for male and female. I've been reading the parser document for the last hour and can't find anything that or I'm just blind ^^"

Having read some of Tobs' documents, I don't think so. The closest would be nesting hasCock and hasPussy parsers i.e. [pc.hasCock|[pc.hasPussy|herm|male]|female] or [pc.hasPussy|[pc.hasCock|herm|female]|male].

 

[Upcast Drake]

I noticed I overused a certain parser in my scenes so I just finished correcting it. So if you happened to see it yesterday I do apologize for the mess, but I do believe I fixed it. Also does anyone know a parser to tell if the pc is male, female, AND herm? There's the one Shepard mentioned but that's only for male and female. I've been reading the parser document for the last hour and can't find anything that or I'm just blind ^^"

Be aware that male does not mean has a cock and female does not mean has a vagina in these games. Sexual organs are separate from sex. [pc.cocVagBoth|cock only|vag only|both] sounds like what you want.

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

I see! Thanks Drake ^w^ exactly what I needed

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

[pc.cocVagBoth|showing off your [pc.asshole]. |showing off your [pc.cunt]. |reaching down you lift your [pc.cock] showing off you [pc.cunt] ]. Like this? Sorry for the trouble I just really want this to be as close to perfect as I can make it

 

[Upcast Drake]

[pc.cocVagBoth|showing off your [pc.asshole]. |showing off your [pc.cunt]. |reaching down you lift your [pc.cock] showing off you [pc.cunt] ]. Like this? Sorry for the trouble I just really want this to be as close to perfect as I can make it

Yeah. Altho if it's a scene that can do anal or vaginal you should look into [pc.vagOrAss] and [pc.vagAss||], altho they are a little trickier. It's possible to have a vagina (and not have a dick) and for it to use ur ass if you are in buttslut mode. That's kinda the whole point of it though.

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

I saw the vagOrAss one but I wanted to account for pc's with both genitals that's why I went with the one you suggested earlier. Ik its not practical in the long run however, I felt that mentioning the extra "equipment" would be appeasing to some.

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

Is there a way to simplify this (if pc has dick “Your [pc.cock] fires off perhaps the biggest load you’ve ever produced hitting the orc-boy right in the face.” / else “Your cunt spasm uncontrollably as you squirt everywhere practically soaking the orc-boy’s lower body in your juices.”) I've been looking at parser's document for so long my eyes hurt

 

[TheShepard256]

Is there a way to simplify this (if pc has dick “Your [pc.cock] fires off perhaps the biggest load you’ve ever produced hitting the orc-boy right in the face.” / else “Your cunt spasm uncontrollably as you squirt everywhere practically soaking the orc-boy’s lower body in your juices.”) I've been looking at parser's document for so long my eyes hurt

[pc.cockVagBoth|cockstuff|vagstuff|cockstuff]

 

[Upcast Drake]

Is there a way to simplify this (if pc has dick “Your [pc.cock] fires off perhaps the biggest load you’ve ever produced hitting the orc-boy right in the face.” / else “Your cunt spasm uncontrollably as you squirt everywhere practically soaking the orc-boy’s lower body in your juices.”) I've been looking at parser's document for so long my eyes hurt

If the pc doesn't have a cock, then they have a vagina. [pc.hasCock|Your [pc.cock] fires off perhaps the biggest load you’ve ever produced hitting the orc-boy right in the face.|Your cunt spasm uncontrollably as you squirt everywhere practically soaking the orc-boy’s lower body in your juices.] is all you need.

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

Thanks Shepard and Drake Ik you both must be busy but thanks for taking the time to help me.

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

Alright just finished editing the sex scenes again, if anyone could I'd love it if you'd read through them again and give me your thoughts thank you

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

Spoiler: Big Text

[party.som|You nod, rising to your feet as you follow behind Adina as he leads you to his tent.|You nod, looking back to [companion1.name] who quickly gets the hint. Shrugging [companion1.hisHer] shoulders before [companion1.heShe] walks off to find something to do as [companion1.heShe] waits for you to finish, rising to your feet you follow behind Adina as he leads you to his tent.|You nod, looking back to [companion1.name], and [companion2.name] they both share a glance before shrugging, waving you off they both walk off in different directions to find something to do as they wait for you to finish, rising to your feet you follow behind Adina as he leads you to his tent.]

Is this right? The parser tester doesn't wanna show the variation's for my party

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

Nvm found a better parser anyway I used [party.sizeRange one incase anyone was curious

Edit: Also forgot to mention. With the last parser being fixed I believe I've edited this doc as much as I can for right now. If you all could I'd love some feedback on my what I've written thus far, and if there's anything I missed and in need of correcting please let me know.

 

[Upcast Drake]

Nvm found a better parser anyway I used [party.sizeRange one incase anyone was curious

Edit: Also forgot to mention. With the last parser being fixed I believe I've edited this doc as much as I can for right now. If you all could I'd love some feedback on my what I've written thus far, and if there's anything I missed and in need of correcting please let me know.

Are you using the tester in the parser documentation, or the actual parser tester where you can manipulate game state?

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

https://www.fenoxo.com/play/CoC2/release/parser.html <----- That one

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

Update: I decided to reread through the beginning of the doc and noticed I missed a few instances that could use parser's. They have been corrected, anyone who has questions, suggestions, or comments please leave them either here or on the document thank you.

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

Can someone explain to me what I'm doing wrong with this parser

Spoiler: Parser

[pc.vagAss|rubbing the tip of his penis on your [pc.cunt] he smears your wetness over his penis, as he lines it up with your [pc.cuntNoun]. |spitting on his tip, he lines the crown of his cock with your [pc.asshole]. ]

Every time I check it with parser tester it only wants to use the first half of it.

 

[Upcast Drake]

Can someone explain to me what I'm doing wrong with this parser

Spoiler: Parser

[pc.vagAss|rubbing the tip of his penis on your [pc.cunt] he smears your wetness over his penis, as he lines it up with your [pc.cuntNoun]. |spitting on his tip, he lines the crown of his cock with your [pc.asshole]. ]

Every time I check it with parser tester it only wants to use the first half of it.

You need to load a save without a vagina or with buttslut mode on. Or modify those through the editor.

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

Wait wait wait.. So then it can't be used for a [pc.vagOrAss] scene? Here's the paragraph that I'm using it for if that helps any

Spoiler: Paragraph

Blushing intensely, he turns his face away from yours clearly trying to avoid eye contact, now that won’t do, not at all. With him being close enough you wrap your legs around his waist, and raise your hands cupping his cheeks. If you thought that he couldn’t blush any brighter you’d be wrong his face is practically a-glow now, lowering his face to yours you kiss his lips tenderly. Seeing this is as good a time as any you whisper to him that he should put it in now, raising his head he nods nervously straightening his back he grabs his penis and [pc.vagAss|rubbing the tip of his penis on your [pc.cunt] he smears your wetness over his penis, as he lines it up with your [pc.cunt]. |spitting on his tip, he lines the crown of his cock with your [pc.asshole]. ] pushing his hips forward he thrusts himself inside the waiting orifice. Although not as well endowed as other orc’s, he penis rubs against every single one of your sweet spots causing you to cry out in pleasure. Most likely thinking he’s hurting you he starts to pull back but you quickly stop that by locking your legs around his waist in a vice like grip.

 

[DaisukeKaiser]

Well does anyone have any suggestions for me? I honestly can't think of any way to improve on this character without feedback, if not I'd like to think this is as far as I can improve on this character and will submit it to be reviewed.

 

[The Observer]

I can tell you ahead of time it's not going to make the cut. You need to brush up on your basic English diction and language skills. This goes firmly into the "there are too many problems with this, we're not going to edit this for you" bin.

Consider this paragraph:

Sighing a deep breath Adina, bowing his head before raising it to stare in the eyes of the Thane “P-please allow me th-through, I have to s-sort out th-these herbs before I d-deliver them to Mistress Hretha.” The Thane just snorts at that with contemptment before standing aside, although begrudgingly slow.

I stopped reading there and mentally consigned it to the rejection pile.