Feedback for a new TF

[Yackwabbit]

I started writing up a TF for a Queen of Blades appearance when I ran into a few problems. The biggest is that it might be too similar to the pre-existing demonic TF, the second problem is actually describing it (I'm not a good writer), and the third problem is the name. I'd written up the wing descriptor when I realized how similar the arms are to the demon TF.
Wings: A pair of terrifying skeletal wings sprouts from your lower back. When unfurled they stretch further than your arm span. They resemble a pair of skeletal bat wings, and a serrated talon tips each finger.
For reference as to who the Queen of Blades is.


I'm very new to this whole writing thing so any and all tips are appreciated. I'm willing to put in the work I just don't know how to put in the work and end up with something presentable.

 

[ChromaTaphore]

Well, this "Queen of blades" character doesn't look too similar to the end-result of the Lucifer item, and besides that, there are a large number of transformatives that do similar things. For the name, how about something like Skelarchium or Skuloyal? As for the writing, I can't really help you there, just keep shoving words onto the page until it looks right!! ^^;

 

[Hel]

kay I want death wings now.
Like a lot.

Heck, writing a transformation like that should be pretty fun! Just shove badass descriptive words until it sounds cool<3

 

[Jongeedubs]

One way to help differentiate it might be to go for the sunnysundown look where you don't have nipples;

 

[Charm]

Try to mix up descriptive words too. I.e.:

"You are now possessed of two, massively sweeping skeletal wings. They arch high above your head when folded against your back. Devoid of the usual membranes that web between their fingers; each is tipped with a wickedly curved serrated talon..." etc.

Repeating the words "skeletal" within a few words/sentences of each other feels a little redundant. You've established in the first sentence that they are bony and tough. Fill in what you need to push a description. Let a player's imagination follow the lead and fill in the vague details. ^.^