Everything I've Learned From Porn...And Why It's All Bollix.

[Evil]

Consider this a spin-off from the virginity loss discussion, albeit with a more humorous bent. I noticed an element in the thread about how education has been somewhat lacking and how much of the information people get about sex tends to come from porn. Look, I know that if you don't have access to many, if any, sources of information, but if the majority comes from porn, that's a problem and a major one at that.

Look, I'm not aiming to lecture anyone, I know I was lucky in that I got a comprehensive education and that there were people willing to answer questions I might have had about sex. But me standing on a soapbox and lecturing people isn't going to help.

Humorous experiences are going to do that instead! And people are free to add their own.

So let's begin, shall we?

Sex on the beach
What we're told: It's sexy, its fun, your partner gets really wet (and we're not talking about the lapping waves!)
What we aren't told: Sand gets everywhere and I do mean everywhere. Admittedly, as someone I grew up on the coast, I should have known that anyway. Sand granules in your ass can get irritating, painfully so, but not as irritating as sand granules in the vagina (at least that's what I've been told).
Note: Maybe just have the drink instead? Or listen to the 1997 song as you have sex in the comfort of your own home? It depends on whether you think getting your rocks off is worth sand in your ass.

Sex in the shower
What we're told: It's incredibly intimate, erotically charged and allows for all sorts of handplay for you and your partner.
What we aren't told: I have only ever had great shower sex once. And that's because we were in a massive shower, like more of a room than an actual shower. Chances are, sex in a shower is going to be in a cramped, awkwardly fitted place that is about as erotically charged as a mushed banana. And chances are, someone is going to get a shower fitting into the back.
Note: I'd almost suggest changing it to sex in a bathtub, but Archimedes isn't your friend here. You aren't going to be saying "Eureka!", because you'll likely be going "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! The water is getting into the woodwork!"

Sex in a sauna
What we're told: Two bodies held closely together, a light sheen of sweat marking the steamy efforts of both lovers. The heat of the stones nothing compared to the heat of passion.
What we aren't told: Yeah, you'll die if you have sex in a sauna that's on. Dehydration or overheating, something is going to give out and chances are no one is going to be too happy in the heat.
Note: Actually, sex in a cold sauna is awesome, the benches do allow for support in a variety of positions and they're usually soundproofed, so scream away! Also, you know, no death by dehydration...

Exotic Positions (usually standing)
What we're told: Try these positions to really get your partner going. Hit 'em in the right spot again and again and they'll scream the roof down!
What we aren't told: Are you a gymnast? Do you have amazing lower body strength? No? Well prepare for awkward posturing, cramps and lactic acid building up in someone's limbs! Yeah, it looks good on screen but you only see it for a few seconds before it cuts to another position. Porn shoots tend to go on for several hours.
Note: Actually, many of those positions can be quite good for both you and your partner, but you can make things a whole lot easy by moving things from the vertical to the horizontal.

There ends the lesson for the time being, feel free to add your own.

 

[ShySquare]

Preach!
Also, if I may add:
Shower sex is a great idea... if you want to make doctors and nurses laugh. Oddly, trying not to slip and fall and break something in a wet, slippery environment, while your judgment and sense of equilibrium is compromised, is a bit of a health hazard.

Also, sex injuries in general. Porn severely underrepresents them. (taking a wild guess here, but it seems to be related to the fact that most people are turned off by bodily harm, for some reason) /jk

Sex's dangerous, and not even for the reasons most people think lol

 

[coldmonkey]

The only thing porn has taught me is to never look closely at a woman's sexual organs. HD porn will forever remain a mystery to me. Praise grainy, low-quality pornographic footage.

 

[Tamsee]

if you want to make doctors and nurses laugh.

They already have a good laugh at so so many things - especially if they have to search. Trying to use a toy too much and it breaks while inside? Not to mention trying to get off by using things not made for this. Amazing how an aerosol spray bottle's cap can get stuck in there.

I guess sex in shower if you used really really good anti-slip surface could be done, but if it's a small cabin shower, expect something to break - oh and the cut skin from the shards. And possibly lots of ice and an ambulance if you fall over during the deed.

Speaking of exotic poses, one really needs being called out: scissoring. Yeah, that famous pose for two girls to enjoy themselves. Except not only do they need to be extra fit, but it can't be done by everyone even with that part covered. One needs the right shape as well to mash bits together.

 

[Evil]

Regarding scissoring (or to give it its proper name, tribadism), I've spoken to a couple of friends about that. Each of them have said that they've had more success from the missionary variation of the position. There's no demanding gymnastics involved and it is still pleasurable for both parties.

Back to shower sex, what I've found really kills the mood for at least one party is the fact that you're going to be unbalanced, so you need to brace one partner against the wall. Which chances are going us going to be a cold wall. Ooooor one partner is going to get all the water and the other is going to be left wet and cold.

 

[Kesil]

There's a subset of beach funsies I'd like to talk about: trying to do things when you're already inside of a water body. As if lack of balance wasn't already bad, depth perception and tides may be potentially dangerous. And it can be potentially awkward if being discreet if your thing and you end up needing help.

 

[null_blank]

Not having sex on a nice, soft, bed.

"Oh it'll be fun!' they said.
"Let's be spontaneous!" they said.

 

[Evil]

Adding to what you said Kesil;
- Sex in a body of water ironically makes a woman drier, as the water washes away their natural lubricant.
- Sex in a pool means you're going to be exposed to chlorine, which over an extended period can be an irritant to the genitals.
- Sex in lakes, rivers or oceans means you're going to be exposed to, well, a lot more.
- Condoms for men are ineffective in a body of water. Condoms for women are slightly more effective.

 

[Kesil]

This is something seriously overlooked. "It's all water and therefore wet and nice!" my arse.

 

[Stemwinder]

Back to shower sex, what I've found really kills the mood for at least one party is the fact that you're going to be unbalanced, so you need to brace one partner against the wall. Which chances are going us going to be a cold wall. Ooooor one partner is going to get all the water and the other is going to be left wet and cold.

Or the terrible, terrible friction.

 

[Evil]

Well that's going back to what I said about water washing away natural lubricant.

Just another couple of porn myths that need to be debunked, this time its about the "big fella", the penis.
- Contrary to popular belief, bigger isn't always better. The average penis is between 5" and 7" in length when erect. Now, the vagina should be able to comfortably take that without a bother. The problem comes from when it has to try and fit a more extreme member. That's muscle getting stretched and left in an extended position, which can be uncomfortable, even painful. Thus, if you're one of those folks blessed with a cannon, you're only doing your partner good by doing more foreplay for her. Conversely, if your dick is on the other end of the scale, that's okay - there are more nerve endings in the first 3" inches of the vaginal walls than the rest of the area, meaning that she will feel something. And there are positions you can use to maximise what you have.

Essentially, the vagina is not "one size fits all", its more about compatibility. A small vagina isn't going to be able to handle a massive dick and likewise, a stretchier vagina and a below average penis aren't going to be too compatible.

- The Eternal Erection. Yeah, it does not happen. Male pornstars have to work in rather crap conditions and with certain production problems, ranging from having to spend several hours in awkward positions, to not being attracted to their co-star, to having to wait for setting up new scenes and so on. What you're actually seeing is the result of many pornstars having to inject a drug called Caverject, which is injected directly into their penis. I'd make a joke about them being "working stiffs" but I'm trying my best not to curl up into a ball at the idea of stabbing my dick.

In truth, most non-intercourse related erections for men only last a few minutes, while sexual erections, well, they'll last until the cork is popped. Depending on how good you are at shaking the bottle.

- Your dick is magic! Only its not. You might think that your best bet to cause an orgasm for your partner is to stick a dick in hole and pound away. Only, in most cases it won't. The average male orgasm takes between 3 to 10 minutes to achieve. The average female orgasm can take much longer, sometimes as often as three to four times. This is why foreplay is so important. And I don't mean 15 minutes of kissing her neck and rubbing her leg. Several studies have shown that the most intensive orgasms a woman can achieve is when their partner engaged in 24 hours of foreplay before the sexual act. This doesn't mean actual teasing foreplay, but more mental stimulation and engagement, a caress here, light banter there, teasing here and so on.

- Guys can train themselves to last longer. That's a six of one, half a dozen of the other situation. Yeah, some men can train themselves to last longer, but some are also hardwired to quickly ejaculate. You can try to improve the control, but if you're cumming in under a minute, there isn't really much room for improvement. In truth in that situation, you're better off stopping and starting, building up until you feel that tug and stopping. Plus, you'll drive your partner wild (the fun kind of wild, not the "Oh for the love of god, again?!" frustrated kind of wild....unless you are really bad).