I finished reading through the document. Definitely a lot of work. I think this probably could get put in (at least in some iteration). I noted any typos, any grammar, and any suggestions or opinions I had. Take them as you wish, maybe others agree or disagree or have other views.
That said, I am going to mention the parts I think need addressing (basically my opinions), don't think this means I don't like it, but I need to mention them, you can accept or reject or not.
1. I am not a fan of the emoticon sillies that Tornioh does. I could accept one or two, but there's 23 of them. 7 D:'s and 16
's. You have 12 scenes, but they aren't evenly spread, obviously Tornioh is more prevalent in some than others, and in those scenes, your [silly] enabled reader will get a bunch of them. Having said that, I don't mind one or two, and I'll admit I know nothing of myrmarc or their anatomy or their codex info, so if all myrmarc in the game have some variant of this [silly] power, then it's okay, but, I think it was a bit much. Again, it's a [silly], I understand, I just think it get used a bit much and more as a crutch for silliness, when the character herself was airheaded and bimbo enough to just have her be silly.
2. Overuse of 'thicc'. Again, another [silly]. I understand this, but I am also pointing out that it's a [silly] you called 22 times in the document. Again, spread throughout scenes, but I think it was only really used correctly twice. I could in good faith overlook one or two, but I have to mention it (for OCD purposes). The [silly] still has to make some sense. Thicc means full-bodied or curvy or curvaceous, like a woman's body or tits or ass, or something that looks that way. Not 'full-bodied' like a wine or something. If you say a tree looks 'thicc', that means it might look like a woman's body. Just using 'thicc' as a [silly] with a thick liquid, like semen or honey or just a thick wall or rod or shaft isn't a great use of it and overuse (especially misuse, where you have your reader trying to do mental gymnastics to give you the benefit of the doubt how you're using it), really detracts from the impact and fun of the times it is used correctly.
If there was one issue that I would really expect to be addressed, it's this next one.
3. You have an Appearance option, but you seem to believe the reader will have access to it, and a lot of your scenes just say things about body parts or hint at things most readers won't know. While I certainly expect someone to click Appearance when they win the fight, you have a lot (and that's amazing) of loss scenes, which will occur on fight loss, and the reader won't know what you're talking about when you suddenly, after 5 paragraphs you talk about the sheep's vagina or horns or whatever or you mention collars or chokers or pierced nipple chains. In those scenes, just go back earlier and give a mention of them, don't expect the reader to have read Appearance for loss scenes (sex scenes the Champ chooses is their own fault).
Camille has a purple womb tattoo that never comes into play or gets noticed or even mentioned. He also has gold piercings through his gonads (ow), but never mentioned in any real shape, despite your detailed sex scenes.
Especially in the case of clothing, you never give it a pay-off. In almost all scenes, there's almost no mention of gear or clothing being removed, either by the trio or by the Champ. In some cases or scenes, this could be overlooked, but the issue is how much you went out of your way to give them clothing.
The trio of tainted miscreants in front of you wear the same kind of sleeveless latex bodysuit. It's pitch black and, glossy, with a big, heart-shaped keyhole and exposed crotch for easy access.
You go into detail in Appearance on mentioning the clothes (for Camille and Tornioh, Bertrand just has a loincloth, maybe a breastplate, as far as I can tell). You describe Tornioh as wearing a white cloak and hood, like a former nun or priestess... but it's never mentioned again. She never has to take it off or remove it. There's no mention of her being a slutty little nun or anything.
But that pales in comparison to the absolute lack of any mention of their latex bodysuits anywhere in any scenes. Latex is such a rare material (harvested from slimes, so not impossible, but it's not common in my knowledge), and it fits their dom/sub personas. But there's never a line or sentence about them taking them off or you touching the latex and feeling its hot smoothness. Granted, you mention they have a heart-shaped keyhole (I assume that means a boob-window) and exposed/crotchless groin areas, so you or they could just jump on each other and start humping, but there's no mention of that. It's always like they're naked and your cum shoots on their bellies or ass, never coating their glossy black bodysuits. It's just a huge, missed opportunity. It would be better to not even have the note about their latex bodysuits at all ultimately. That is the biggest issue I feel there is, and it's that you put something in, and then did nothing with it, like giving a character a tail, and never using it in a scene or mentioning it.
That said, this is a supreme amount of work, and is very well done for the most part. Grammar issue and some typos (but that's to be expected, I make tiepohs all the tyme two). I hope this helps and I hope some of the suggestions will be of use.
docs.google.com
