[Editing] June picnic

[Knife-wielding Crab]

I wrote a third scene that ended up way chunkier than i expected. So I'll put it in another thread.
June date

Take the cute wolf boy in the gym on a date. Have a picnic with him. Talkt to him. Pet him. Kiss him. Make love to him.

Since i didn't find any backstory on him, neither on the wiki or in-game, i added some of my own to get a talk scene going. Please give me a heads up if I messed up an already existing background for the character.

 

[Ace Hangman]

I will start looking through it and see if I can catch any typos or offer suggestions.

As for June, I have no insight either. Other than I know he has an unnamed brother (who was butt-plugged with hornet eggs at the start of your adventure). Wsan would be the one who would know. That's why I always feel anxious about doing things with other's characters. I'd hate to make a big goof or make a personality choice the OG designer didn't envision that character making. You might at least get a suggested bro name, or at least have a mention about how he had to see some baby hornets or drones hatching and what he thinks of Azzy if he sees her.

Same reason I'm hesitant on the Clementine Picnic date I was considering (that and I don't tend to write sexy-time stuff, so the picnic would likely be chaste, but luckily most of the picnic options so far have been that way).

 

[Ace Hangman]

Got down to the Cave Warming section. Have to stop for now. I noted any typos. I suggested some things I thought might read better (and please note that they are only suggestions and opinions). Others might disagree or have even better suggestions

 

[Emerald]

I will start looking through it and see if I can catch any typos or offer suggestions.

As for June, I have no insight either. Other than I know he has an unnamed brother (who was butt-plugged with hornet eggs at the start of your adventure). Wsan would be the one who would know. That's why I always feel anxious about doing things with other's characters. I'd hate to make a big goof or make a personality choice the OG designer didn't envision that character making. You might at least get a suggested bro name, or at least have a mention about how he had to see some baby hornets or drones hatching and what he thinks of Azzy if he sees her.

Same reason I'm hesitant on the Clementine Picnic date I was considering (that and I don't tend to write sexy-time stuff, so the picnic would likely be chaste, but luckily most of the picnic options so far have been that way).

Yeah.
On that note, to OP, have you tried to ask Wsan somehow if you could put a backstory on his character? June's a very minor character sure, but I think you still need approval for these sorts of things.

 

[Knife-wielding Crab]

Yeah.
On that note, to OP, have you tried to ask Wsan somehow if you could put a backstory on his character? June's a very minor character sure, but I think you still need approval for these sorts of things.

Will do.

 

[Knife-wielding Crab]

Also, is Google docs playing shenanigans with me? I swear to god that i know the difference between tail and tale. Is auto-correction gnome playing pranks?

 

[Ace Hangman]

Also, is Google docs playing shenanigans with me? I swear to god that i know the difference between tail and tale. Is auto-correction gnome playing pranks?

I only proofread the stuff, amigo`.
Next you'll tell me it's making all your 'i's lowercase.
A tale of two tails.
The tails tell a tale of a tall taeleer.

 

[Ace Hangman]

Finished reading through the document. I noted any typos I saw and any awkward or troublesome grammar. I'd certainly go head to head against any editor in spellchecking and grammar, but I also made some notes, opinions, suggestions, and feedback that you can consider or not (or take alongside any other reviewers feedback). I can't speak to how June's OG creator would feel about the actions/reactions you have, but it's not a bad scene.

I'll read through it again if/when you update to the next draft.

 

[Knife-wielding Crab]

Thanks. Will go through it when i find the time.

 

[Knife-wielding Crab]

I've gone through most of the coments and fixed all the tiny mistakes. Thanks alot for helping out. Also, i really wish there was a parser for sexual experience. Here i tried to use the looseness parser as a substitute.

 

[Ace Hangman]

I've gone through most of the coments and fixed all the tiny mistakes. Thanks alot for helping out. Also, i really wish there was a parser for sexual experience. Here i tried to use the looseness parser as a substitute.

It can be indicator, but as long as you don't make too many assumptions of how many or how much or something a particular Champ might have had specifically. An AL of 7 might mean they've taken it from every giant rod in the zone, but it could mean they've just been with one a bunch of times (or maybe they're Stretchy or just have a trait that makes it count as looser than normal for such checks, I don't know the behind-the-scenes specifics).
There's the virgin parser to check, but I think most authors have specific flags or variables put into their sex scenes that make specific counters for those specific character ('You and Kiyoko have done this many times") but I am not 100% sure on that. You could certainly add such branching additions, adding a variable every time they've taken June on a picnic (or specifically taken him in V or A or when you take him).

But that stuff is not my area of expertise, I am still learning and experimenting on parsers myself.

 

[Emerald]

Also, i really wish there was a parser for sexual experience. Here i tried to use the looseness parser as a substitute.

Gonna chime in that looseness being used as a substitute for sexual experience is pretty flimsy (for lack of a nicer, better word for it). Like above stated, someone could have the Stretchy perk and will recover faster from sex in the ass/vagina, while at the same time having banged dozens before. It might make weird assumptions.
The closest you have is the virgin checks, but that's probably it.

 

[Knife-wielding Crab]

Well I changed all the looseness parcers to not make those assumptions.