If this is submitted, you're going to be in for a very rude awakening. At the time I'm posting, someone else (who was Goth as it turned out) is going through and giving you edits but those may honestly not be enough. As far as it looks, the only thing half-acceptable is the dyes and it's because they're item slots. The overall length and depth of this character is extremely shallow; mind you this is before talking about punctuation and the overall voice of the writing.
- Random capitalization, italics tags without end slash's (/) and plentiful amounts of failure to line break. Being completely honest, sorting through your doc and reading it would be extremely hard because of the typing issues.
- Scene length and quality. Everything about Doris except the fact she's a harpy falls completely apart at a glance. Reading through it is difficult but with most sections and scenes being no more than a few paragraphs, she doesn't scream character.
- Character. As a harpy, Doris' explanation for why she's both a loner (as we know, harpies work in flocks) and why she's a merchant are extremely poor. Harpies -- as exampled clearly -- are all happy to have sex and take to support their livelihood of having sex. She fundamentally seems like she could have been another race -- without ever being a harpy -- and been much stronger already. As a harpy she just about falls apart at the seams.
- PC Dialogue & Actions. This is perhaps the "big criticism" I have that may be wrong if only because I don't see eye-to-eye with some writers on PC dialogue. So maybe I'm wrong. However the entirety of the PC's interactions in your scenes seem very fanfiction-esque and don't really flex at all for differences besides YOUR vision of the PC. This is precisely why we have personality tags and why writers generally aim to be vague in question presentation and flow if they don't use speech for the PC.
Overall, you submitted this way too early. This might have been something no one cared about back during CoC but in CoC2 there's a definite quality hike-up that you haven't come close to hitting. My advice is to take all this feedback, scrap the document and take the
core ideas you want to keep. A rule of thumb is that you should consider, look over and try to emulate the quality/lengths of content within the game. Until you can do that with something that conceptually holds up, you're not going to get anywhere.
If this comes off mean, I apologize. I simply don't want to put more fuel in the fire. You deserve to know that this is far from being acceptable, the issues with it and the way to move forward improving.
