Demonic Blade

[Ystips]

Let me know what yall think, and please share what I can improve on!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1j4WcBiR2Nnd_QHu5vYUTBtJfqdCZd2Bec22Pem0Gdpc/edit?usp=sharing

 

[QualityCuntrol]

Looks good so far! I'd definitely suggest, firstly, turning on suggestions so we can comment directly on the doc itself.

It doesn't seem very fleshed out as of yet: do the weapons do anything other than transform their shape? As it is, it just seems kind of superficial. The flags' and stats' changing would make it more interesting and customizable for combat, and it would be cool to have her also take her regular form for tease damage (the trade-off would be leaving you unarmed, like how Nova's works).

I'd also be interested in having more information on her personality and her potential storyline: there doesn't seem to be much of a quest to acquire her, and the malleability of her personality's depending on your initial interaction leaves me with some questions. For example, why is she on Deck 13 in the first place, why does she want the GaloMax, why is she so reactive during the initial meeting, and so on. It seems odd that she's slurping up the Gray Goo, as well, seeing as how they're meant to be nanobots and not a protein. Why is she partly demonic? I'm pretty sure demons aren't a species in TiTS (?), and "goo" is not a species: "Galotian" is the species. Also, Galotians reproduce through splitting, which doesn't really lend itself to mixed heritage. It sounds more like you want a customizable succubus/living weapon.

This character would likely strongly benefit from having scenes with Celise and Nova, at least.

The biggest issue I see, though, is that it looks like it'll suffer from a lot of the same problems as Ben/Bess: difficult to code, difficult to write for, and generally just a huge project overall. I'd strongly suggest putting her on the backburner to focus on smaller projects first. She's incredibly complicated, too customizable, and too variable. You've got three different potential personality types, all of which will need their own dialogue and, potentially, their own scenes; a huge array of ways she can look; an odd series of traits that point to an extremely confusing and conflicting backstory. It'll be hell to parser and even worse to try to code!

Basically, there's a lot going on here, and while it's a cool concept, it doesn't even really seem as though you have a full first draft yet, but rather a series of extremely ambitious ideas. My suggestions are essentially:

Start smaller (much smaller - you need to try to gauge your own limits as well)

Narrow things down (for example, does her personality really need to have variations? It's completely reasonable to let her have her own niche to fill, rather than making her fit multiple archetypes: we have enough characters that that variety is already there!)

Try to focus on fully fleshing out exactly what's going on before even starting on writing (her motivations, her backstory, her goals, her personality, that sort of thing).

Hope this helps!

 

[Ystips]

Looks good so far! I'd definitely suggest, firstly, turning on suggestions so we can comment directly on the doc itself.

It doesn't seem very fleshed out as of yet: do the weapons do anything other than transform their shape? As it is, it just seems kind of superficial. The flags' and stats' changing would make it more interesting and customizable for combat, and it would be cool to have her also take her regular form for tease damage (the trade-off would be leaving you unarmed, like how Nova's works).

I'd also be interested in having more information on her personality and her potential storyline: there doesn't seem to be much of a quest to acquire her, and the malleability of her personality's depending on your initial interaction leaves me with some questions. For example, why is she on Deck 13 in the first place, why does she want the GaloMax, why is she so reactive during the initial meeting, and so on. It seems odd that she's slurping up the Gray Goo, as well, seeing as how they're meant to be nanobots and not a protein. Why is she partly demonic? I'm pretty sure demons aren't a species in TiTS (?), and "goo" is not a species: "Galotian" is the species. Also, Galotians reproduce through splitting, which doesn't really lend itself to mixed heritage. It sounds more like you want a customizable succubus/living weapon.

This character would likely strongly benefit from having scenes with Celise and Nova, at least.

The biggest issue I see, though, is that it looks like it'll suffer from a lot of the same problems as Ben/Bess: difficult to code, difficult to write for, and generally just a huge project overall. I'd strongly suggest putting her on the backburner to focus on smaller projects first. She's incredibly complicated, too customizable, and too variable. You've got three different potential personality types, all of which will need their own dialogue and, potentially, their own scenes; a huge array of ways she can look; an odd series of traits that point to an extremely confusing and conflicting backstory. It'll be hell to parser and even worse to try to code!

Basically, there's a lot going on here, and while it's a cool concept, it doesn't even really seem as though you have a full first draft yet, but rather a series of extremely ambitious ideas. My suggestions are essentially:

Start smaller (much smaller - you need to try to gauge your own limits as well)

Narrow things down (for example, does her personality really need to have variations? It's completely reasonable to let her have her own niche to fill, rather than making her fit multiple archetypes: we have enough characters that that variety is already there!)

Try to focus on fully fleshing out exactly what's going on before even starting on writing (her motivations, her backstory, her goals, her personality, that sort of thing).

Hope this helps!

This helps quite a lot thanks so much. I do see what you mean though, I personally thought it'd be kind of lame just having her be basically another grey goo so I tried making her different. As for archetypes yaaaaaaa, probably gonna get rid of that in the future and make her only one of those. Also there is demons their just not a NPC race (don't quote me on that by the way) but you yourself can be.

I did originally put Galotian but I started overthinking stuff and wound up thinking "Do Galotian's even shapeshift like that?" and I knew 100% Demons couldn't.

I also like the idea of having certain stats for certain weapon and even though of maybe adding guns to the weapons you can give her... then I realized it would already be difficult to add different MELEE types so I didn't add them.

There was also the issue of coming up with something that made sense for Nova to be involved with her quest. I did want to try and have it to where Nova would mention something (after certain requirements would met) and tell you about an old friend of hers. I kept thinking back to the GaloMax not really having a use unless you wanted to become a slime so I was like "I should make it so this would be needed". I kept trying to think of something that'd made sense as to why and decided to have it go like this: She would be sort of unstable (since I wanted her to be a half breed) so she needs GaloMax as a sort of treatment that would stabilize her and allow her to remain in a perfect shape. She would thank you greatly for this and ask if she could join you.

I tend to overthink stuff like this constantly so it's nice to have people who can tell me "So um about that...". So thanks so much for this ^w^

 

[SheeptaurTheSheepKing]

I've got some advice on how to make Makui fit into the game's lore better if you'd like to hear it. Though please don't think that I'm trying to write your story for you or anything, these are just suggestions based on stuff in the game and the Codex.

I think making her a Ganrael would make more sense, as the lore describes Galotians as very non-violent, while the Ganrael are war-like and can crystallize their bodies into sharp weapons and armor.

Her demonic appearance could be the result of her getting a huge overdose of the Lucifier TF mod from some rusher, mod smugglers, or maybe even pirates that kidnapped her off of Myrellion. This kind of thing has happened before, like with the Treated Zil and the Naleen Futa.

As for recruiting her, maybe she has some defect where she's too small or weak to fight like a normal Ganrael and so she has to compensate by condensing her whole body into a single weapon. She obviously can't fight by herself that way so when she meets you wearing Nova, Nova convinces her to join you, and maybe you have to beat some enemy first or pass a skill check to prove you're a good enough melee fighter to wield her.

Not that you have to use any of these ideas if you already have ones of your own of course. These just seem like the kind of things that would fit the pre-existing game lore, but coming up with new explanations and game lore is good too.

 

[Chaosstripe]

If you choose to go with the above suggestions, that does deal with some problems, and especially in the case of going with being kidnapped by pirates or slavers. A weakened or physically unstable Ganrael could easily be fit into the lore as a genetic defect, making it unable to succeed in fighting off slavers, and explain why sit was susceptible to gene mods that don't normally affect goo-based lifeforms in the current lore.

Honestly though, my biggest suggestion here is to move it off Tarkus. The reason is simple: if people fail the Stellar Tether quest, they would either miss out completely, or you'd have to have a backup coded in. Also, having her reliant on Gray Goo Armor causes the same isuue. If that's the way you want it, then that's the way you need it, but personally I wouldn't reccomend it.