It's good, and you've passed the initial hurdle of writing something grammatically correct that flows well and is something someone could conceivably get off to.
There is a problem with putting words in the PCs mouth when it should be vaguer so as to not ruin anyone's immersion, but that is fixable. I personally would love to have you around to submit missing bits and pieces, and will give a more detailed suggestions pass once I am on my actual computer instead of my phone.