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- Thread starter Dragonice
- Start date
Skimmed over a bit and gotta say I don't hate it, but your writing is kind of awkward, unless that's just a byproduct of it being unpolished still. Also what kind of a name is Opal Takuma.
The big problem is you're writing a static NPC. You need to be writing a variable soup NPC (or as it is locally known, a Bess), with large portions that are completely unique to any speific race. And you need to make the commitment to write additional variations of this character for future starting race options. Your opinion in this does not matter if you intend to persevere in this project.
It means that if someone writes new starter races in the future, and it gets accepted, you're obligated to write new variables and scenes for the mom npc to accomidate the new race. You arn't allowed to say no, if Fen decides not to veto the race than you need to write a xpac.
I quickly went over the document, so I might have missed a couple of things.
From what I did see however, and I apologize in advance for seeming a little harsh...
- You didn't write Steele's mother, you made another character. There has to be a certain degree of mystery about the woman who gave birth to Captain Steele. Which seems counter intuitive, but its because Steele is so variable. Likewise, their mother is as variable, if not more so. We have a character who could have been anyone of a half dozen races and a time gap of 20 years. If she was anything like Vic, given the circles he moved in, its quite possible that she has messed around with as many TF items. When we should have a ghost of a character, you went and made a concrete character, which only fits into your view of Steele's mom, no one else's. She's supposed to be nebulous, we never get a clear picture of her, just like we never get a clear picture of Vic.
- I'm guessing that English isn't your first language, that's not a mark against you but it doesn't help. For a project of this type, it would certainly be daunting for a native speaker anyway, but here the language feels incredibly rough and a little difficult to get through. You seriously need a good editor and proofreader to go through this well before submitting it.
- At the best of times, a project of this kind would need some serious planning, and I apologize for this, but this feels like you were pulling out of your ass as you went along. That's what I'm getting from the document.
I don't want this reply to be something that discourages you from writing, because its an admirable thing to try and anyone deserves the chance to write. But at the same time, there's a time when a person has to be cruel to be kind. You really, really need to polish your writing skills, but that's because it is a skill, it improves with practice. So keep writing, but take on the lessons that people have tried to pass on here.
From what I did see however, and I apologize in advance for seeming a little harsh...
- You didn't write Steele's mother, you made another character. There has to be a certain degree of mystery about the woman who gave birth to Captain Steele. Which seems counter intuitive, but its because Steele is so variable. Likewise, their mother is as variable, if not more so. We have a character who could have been anyone of a half dozen races and a time gap of 20 years. If she was anything like Vic, given the circles he moved in, its quite possible that she has messed around with as many TF items. When we should have a ghost of a character, you went and made a concrete character, which only fits into your view of Steele's mom, no one else's. She's supposed to be nebulous, we never get a clear picture of her, just like we never get a clear picture of Vic.
- I'm guessing that English isn't your first language, that's not a mark against you but it doesn't help. For a project of this type, it would certainly be daunting for a native speaker anyway, but here the language feels incredibly rough and a little difficult to get through. You seriously need a good editor and proofreader to go through this well before submitting it.
- At the best of times, a project of this kind would need some serious planning, and I apologize for this, but this feels like you were pulling out of your ass as you went along. That's what I'm getting from the document.
I don't want this reply to be something that discourages you from writing, because its an admirable thing to try and anyone deserves the chance to write. But at the same time, there's a time when a person has to be cruel to be kind. You really, really need to polish your writing skills, but that's because it is a skill, it improves with practice. So keep writing, but take on the lessons that people have tried to pass on here.
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I went through and editted it as best I could. I think this has potential. It would probably need a lot more revisions. However, I think you found a rather elegant way of making a character who could be the mother of a player of any race: making her heavily modded so as to be indistinguishable from yourself. The best solution would be to make a consistent, well-defined current form and forget the race she originally was. The name seems a little arbitrary. Honestly, it might be a better idea to let the PC remember it for themselves and input the data. More possible options for interactions would be nice. I sincerely recommend you write as much content into this as you can, and maybe even bring in more authors to contribute. If it can be made into a sizable, well-written, enjoyable character without any significant contradictions against canon or technical difficulties which would make it difficult to add to the game, it stands a good chance of being implemented. I wish you good luck in accomplishing this and if you would like my help, you need only ask.
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If you were thinking a manager of the breedwell center or something like that, I think it has good odds. If you wanted to keep her in the mother role, she could even be in it for incest roleplay, rather than being Steele's actual mother.
As I mentioned before, Steele's mother is a character people are encouraged to stay away from. The sheer size and amount of possible outcomes is so huge, that it's probably best if she's left to the OG developers (i.e. Fen himself). Even small submissions regarding her (such as my email attempt) are discouraged. She's a character that has been shrouded in mystery since the beginning, and this is exactly why.
lol wat
That's like saying if Savin went insane and approved someone else to write herm Syri, Savin would also be the one to go back and retroactively add vagina blurbs to her existing scenes.
Dragonice, it's nice that you're trying, but you made two major mistakes. Putting as much code as you did (I guarantee you Fen wouldn't use any of it), and tackling a project way too big for anyone but maybe Nonesuch or B to handle. Try a really small project instead, and take the criticism and get better.
Plus, like its been said before, the mystery of SteeleMom is what makes her cool and unique. Think of the Star Wars prequels.
.... Crap, now I feel kinda bad. Sorry if we shattered your ambitions, man.
I feel that opal can be turn around as a crew field doctor/shop like anno for steel ship for when and where steel is going into labor opal arrive on scene help with delivery and having her on the ship as a shop owner having all Tamani products like lerris but having access all to new Tamami armor and weapon base on sexiness, tease, lust, and evasion maybe have her know azra since she may have work on some of Tamani projects and may have fling at one time it would be cool if steel azra and opal had preg threesome