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Corruption of Champions II
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[0.7.20]+[0.7.21] +[0.7.23] Grammar Mistakes and Sentence Format Suggestions
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<blockquote data-quote="FuHyBi69" data-source="post: 445238" data-attributes="member: 43874"><p>When rescuing Garret from Westbank and you talk to the loggers in the longhouse, there is poor sentence format via repeating of the same descriptor of Hethia by the loggers</p><p></p><p>The Original- </p><p></p><p><em>"All ten of us. We're a little tired and cold, but still all right. Provisions are a bit low, but we're pretty much unharmed, if rather stressed out. How'd you get in here, anyway? The <span style="color: rgb(184, 49, 47)">crazy elf chick</span> put up some kind of magic that prevents us from sneaking out and back to Hawkethorne. Trust me, we've tried."</em></p><p></p><p>Magic, eh? That would explain your difficult trip here. </p><p></p><p>Silence. And then, <em>"Look, it's not that I don't want to leave — everyone here would like to put plenty of distance between us and that <span style="color: rgb(184, 49, 47)">crazy elf chick</span>. Garret's been taking the brunt of her attentions since he showed up, but there're things in the woods and the barges are full of holes. <strong>That</strong> we at least have a fighting chance against, but whatever spell the elf put on the woods twists the path on itself when we try to leave. You might be skilled enough to slip in and out as you like, but we aren't as good as you are, okay?"</em></p><p></p><p><strong>My Alteration-</strong></p><p></p><p><em>"All ten of us. We're a little tired and cold, but still all right. Provisions are a bit low, but we're pretty much unharmed, if rather stressed out. How'd you get in here, anyway? The <span style="color: rgb(97, 189, 109)">crazy elf chick</span> put up some kind of magic that prevents us from sneaking out and back to Hawkethorne. Trust me, we've tried."</em></p><p></p><p>Magic, eh? That would explain your difficult trip here. </p><p></p><p>Silence. And then, <em>"Look, it's not that I don't want to leave — everyone here would like to put plenty of distance between us and that <span style="color: rgb(97, 189, 109)">nutty elf</span>. Garret's been taking the brunt of her attentions since he showed up, but there're things in the woods and the barges are full of holes. <strong>That</strong> we at least have a fighting chance against, but whatever spell the elf put on the woods twists the path on itself when we try to leave. You might be skilled enough to slip in and out as you like, but we aren't as good as you are, okay?</em></p><p></p><p><strong>Similar meaning on the second mention of Hethia, but helps avoid the repetition in the descriptor. This way it reads a little better</strong></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="FuHyBi69, post: 445238, member: 43874"] When rescuing Garret from Westbank and you talk to the loggers in the longhouse, there is poor sentence format via repeating of the same descriptor of Hethia by the loggers The Original- [I]"All ten of us. We're a little tired and cold, but still all right. Provisions are a bit low, but we're pretty much unharmed, if rather stressed out. How'd you get in here, anyway? The [COLOR=rgb(184, 49, 47)]crazy elf chick[/COLOR] put up some kind of magic that prevents us from sneaking out and back to Hawkethorne. Trust me, we've tried."[/I] Magic, eh? That would explain your difficult trip here. Silence. And then, [I]"Look, it's not that I don't want to leave — everyone here would like to put plenty of distance between us and that [COLOR=rgb(184, 49, 47)]crazy elf chick[/COLOR]. Garret's been taking the brunt of her attentions since he showed up, but there're things in the woods and the barges are full of holes. [B]That[/B] we at least have a fighting chance against, but whatever spell the elf put on the woods twists the path on itself when we try to leave. You might be skilled enough to slip in and out as you like, but we aren't as good as you are, okay?"[/I] [B]My Alteration-[/B] [I]"All ten of us. We're a little tired and cold, but still all right. Provisions are a bit low, but we're pretty much unharmed, if rather stressed out. How'd you get in here, anyway? The [COLOR=rgb(97, 189, 109)]crazy elf chick[/COLOR] put up some kind of magic that prevents us from sneaking out and back to Hawkethorne. Trust me, we've tried."[/I] Magic, eh? That would explain your difficult trip here. Silence. And then, [I]"Look, it's not that I don't want to leave — everyone here would like to put plenty of distance between us and that [COLOR=rgb(97, 189, 109)]nutty elf[/COLOR]. Garret's been taking the brunt of her attentions since he showed up, but there're things in the woods and the barges are full of holes. [B]That[/B] we at least have a fighting chance against, but whatever spell the elf put on the woods twists the path on itself when we try to leave. You might be skilled enough to slip in and out as you like, but we aren't as good as you are, okay?[/I] [B]Similar meaning on the second mention of Hethia, but helps avoid the repetition in the descriptor. This way it reads a little better[/B] [/QUOTE]
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[0.7.20]+[0.7.21] +[0.7.23] Grammar Mistakes and Sentence Format Suggestions
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