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Corruption of Champions II
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[0.7.20]+[0.7.21] +[0.7.23] Grammar Mistakes and Sentence Format Suggestions
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<blockquote data-quote="FuHyBi69" data-source="post: 445058" data-attributes="member: 43874"><p>I will be reviewing all Spelling, Grammar, and Sentence Formatting and will post my findings and Suggestions <span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)"><strong>Here in this Thread.</strong></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)">My first finding is while talking to Carmen about recruiting Atugia, and when referring to Carmen, She is referred to as The Baroness <u>Multiple Times</u> in the same paragraph. It would be better to use Carmen's name the second time to avoid redundancy, and keep the reader from feeling as though <u><strong>"The Baroness"</strong></u> is being yelled out from the page.</span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)"><strong>Here is the original-</strong></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)">(Well... If you're going to ask </span><span style="color: rgb(184, 49, 47)">The Baroness</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)"> about recruiting Atugia, you might as well get it over with. You find the fiery-haired dullahan and inform her that you'd like to make good on that offer to talk to </span><span style="color: rgb(184, 49, 47)">The Baroness</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)"> about recruiting her. Unfortunately you'll need her to actually get in contact with the woman. When it comes to actually talking with her, you'll handle it, but you need to be able to talk to her first.)</span></p><p></p><p><strong>Here is my alteration-</strong></p><p></p><p><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)">(Well... If you're going to ask </span><span style="color: rgb(97, 189, 109)">The Baroness</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)"> about recruiting Atugia, you might as well get it over with. You find the fiery-haired dullahan and inform her that you'd like to make good on that offer to talk to </span><span style="color: rgb(97, 189, 109)">Carmen</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)"> about recruiting her. Unfortunately you'll need her to actually get in contact with the woman. When it comes to actually talking with her, you'll handle it, but you need to be able to talk to her first.)</span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)"><strong>Additionally it could be-</strong></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)">(Well... If you're going to ask </span><span style="color: rgb(97, 189, 109)">The Baroness</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)"> about recruiting Atugia, you might as well get it over with. You find the fiery-haired dullahan and inform her that you'd like to make good on that offer to talk to </span><span style="color: rgb(97, 189, 109)">Baroness Reverra</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)"> about recruiting her. Unfortunately you'll need her to actually get in contact with the woman. When it comes to actually talking with her, you'll handle it, but you need to be able to talk to her first.)</span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255)">I believe my first alteration using her name <u>Carmen</u> flows better and avoids doubling up on "<u>Baroness"</u> in the same paragraph</span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="FuHyBi69, post: 445058, member: 43874"] I will be reviewing all Spelling, Grammar, and Sentence Formatting and will post my findings and Suggestions [COLOR=rgb(255, 255, 255)][B]Here in this Thread.[/B] My first finding is while talking to Carmen about recruiting Atugia, and when referring to Carmen, She is referred to as The Baroness [U]Multiple Times[/U] in the same paragraph. It would be better to use Carmen's name the second time to avoid redundancy, and keep the reader from feeling as though [U][B]"The Baroness"[/B][/U] is being yelled out from the page. [B]Here is the original-[/B] (Well... If you're going to ask [/COLOR][COLOR=rgb(184, 49, 47)]The Baroness[/COLOR][COLOR=rgb(255, 255, 255)] about recruiting Atugia, you might as well get it over with. You find the fiery-haired dullahan and inform her that you'd like to make good on that offer to talk to [/COLOR][COLOR=rgb(184, 49, 47)]The Baroness[/COLOR][COLOR=rgb(255, 255, 255)] about recruiting her. Unfortunately you'll need her to actually get in contact with the woman. When it comes to actually talking with her, you'll handle it, but you need to be able to talk to her first.)[/COLOR] [B]Here is my alteration-[/B] [COLOR=rgb(255, 255, 255)](Well... If you're going to ask [/COLOR][COLOR=rgb(97, 189, 109)]The Baroness[/COLOR][COLOR=rgb(255, 255, 255)] about recruiting Atugia, you might as well get it over with. You find the fiery-haired dullahan and inform her that you'd like to make good on that offer to talk to [/COLOR][COLOR=rgb(97, 189, 109)]Carmen[/COLOR][COLOR=rgb(255, 255, 255)] about recruiting her. Unfortunately you'll need her to actually get in contact with the woman. When it comes to actually talking with her, you'll handle it, but you need to be able to talk to her first.) [B]Additionally it could be-[/B] (Well... If you're going to ask [/COLOR][COLOR=rgb(97, 189, 109)]The Baroness[/COLOR][COLOR=rgb(255, 255, 255)] about recruiting Atugia, you might as well get it over with. You find the fiery-haired dullahan and inform her that you'd like to make good on that offer to talk to [/COLOR][COLOR=rgb(97, 189, 109)]Baroness Reverra[/COLOR][COLOR=rgb(255, 255, 255)] about recruiting her. Unfortunately you'll need her to actually get in contact with the woman. When it comes to actually talking with her, you'll handle it, but you need to be able to talk to her first.) I believe my first alteration using her name [U]Carmen[/U] flows better and avoids doubling up on "[U]Baroness"[/U] in the same paragraph[/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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