Bunch of things I noticed in the text from all over the place.
There are quite a lot, so hopefully I'll be presenting it in a way that makes sense.
There are quite a lot, so hopefully I'll be presenting it in a way that makes sense.
[0.3.31] Text errors/suggestions
- Thread starter CrackSpaniel
- Start date
(Jae'ly4n)
"I just couldn't let [pc.himHer] kill her."
Should probably use [pc.Name] rather than [pc.himHer] so that you can avoid "let her kill her"
"and then narrowly ruin one of my kid's dresses"
narrowly -> almost OR narrowly ruin -> narrowly avoided ruining
"I just couldn't let [pc.himHer] kill her."
Should probably use [pc.Name] rather than [pc.himHer] so that you can avoid "let her kill her"
"and then narrowly ruin one of my kid's dresses"
narrowly -> almost OR narrowly ruin -> narrowly avoided ruining
(Frostwood)(Encounter with the three kitsune)
"You turn with a start a voice materialises"
a start a voice -> a start as a voice
"stop an arm's length from [party.yall], enough to be respectful yet close the distance quickly should the need arise."
stop an arm's length from [party.yall]. Just enough to be respectful[...]
"You catch them?"
catch -> caught
"You turn with a start a voice materialises"
a start a voice -> a start as a voice
"stop an arm's length from [party.yall], enough to be respectful yet close the distance quickly should the need arise."
stop an arm's length from [party.yall]. Just enough to be respectful[...]
"You catch them?"
catch -> caught
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(Clementine)
"Wha? O-oh s-sorry, I did it a-again, didn’t I." she blushes
Wha? -> What?
didn't I. -> didn't I?
"but I decided to stake my career in it."
in it -> on it
"Most of my clothing were average at best"
were -> was OR clothing -> clothes
"She's kind of vibrating her in chair right now."
her in chair -> in her chair
"Wha? O-oh s-sorry, I did it a-again, didn’t I." she blushes
Wha? -> What?
didn't I. -> didn't I?
"but I decided to stake my career in it."
in it -> on it
"Most of my clothing were average at best"
were -> was OR clothing -> clothes
"She's kind of vibrating her in chair right now."
her in chair -> in her chair
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(Lyla)
"their glister managing to dodge the thick trunk of trees"
trunk -> trunks
"Since, for all you know, it could all be a trap."
Delete the second all.
"you say, rising your arms to show your intentions."
rising -> raising
"You can see remains of her last night campfire"
I suggest 'You can see remains of her campfire from last night' or 'You can see remains of last night's campfire'
"their glister managing to dodge the thick trunk of trees"
trunk -> trunks
"Since, for all you know, it could all be a trap."
Delete the second all.
"you say, rising your arms to show your intentions."
rising -> raising
"You can see remains of her last night campfire"
I suggest 'You can see remains of her campfire from last night' or 'You can see remains of last night's campfire'
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(Painted Demon)
"bend in the path, and standing there is a woman, directly on the same path as you."
I suggest "bend in the path, and there is a woman standing directly in your way."
"and her skin is painted with long, thick, numerous black lines covering her otherwise fair complexion"
I think it reads better as 'with numerous long, thick, black lines'
"Her tail unravels enough that it has enough slack to stand up behind herself"
behind herself -> behind her
"It takes you a moment to tear your eyes away from her form for you to look behind yourself so you can point the way to the nearest safe zone."
I suggest 'her form so you can look behind you to point the way to the nearest safe zone.'
"the demon girl trio falls to her rump, knocked backwards from the hit and pushed off her stance. The momentum carries her backward, and she falls onto her back before she has a chance to right herself."
This line comes across as saying the same thing over and over a few different ways. Sound pretty awkward, anyway.
"bend in the path, and standing there is a woman, directly on the same path as you."
I suggest "bend in the path, and there is a woman standing directly in your way."
"and her skin is painted with long, thick, numerous black lines covering her otherwise fair complexion"
I think it reads better as 'with numerous long, thick, black lines'
"Her tail unravels enough that it has enough slack to stand up behind herself"
behind herself -> behind her
"It takes you a moment to tear your eyes away from her form for you to look behind yourself so you can point the way to the nearest safe zone."
I suggest 'her form so you can look behind you to point the way to the nearest safe zone.'
"the demon girl trio falls to her rump, knocked backwards from the hit and pushed off her stance. The momentum carries her backward, and she falls onto her back before she has a chance to right herself."
This line comes across as saying the same thing over and over a few different ways. Sound pretty awkward, anyway.
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(Old Forest)(Grainne's grove)
"black foliage that seem to teem with life You have to be careful"
seem -> seems
'with life. You'
"black foliage that seem to teem with life You have to be careful"
seem -> seems
'with life. You'
(Liaden)(Hive)
"To make sure this hive is irreparable cursed2
irreparable -> irreparably
"Laden is the first to come up for air"
Laden -> Liaden
"The girls eagerly your depths with playfully little circles punctuated by knuckle-deep thrusts"
They eagerly _____ your depths
"Even still, most of yyour attention remains firmly fixated"
Even still -> Even so / Still
"When the last of them has entered you, packing your belly so full that you can feel individual eggs pressing out against your [pc.skinFurScales]"
I suggest 'When the last of them has entered you, your belly is so full[...]' or 'Finally, the last of them enters you, packing your belly so full[...]'
"their bimbofied assets keep getting their way as because of how sticky they are"
getting their way -> getting in their way
"Okay, let's get you rolled over so you can take my stingy-cock and deep."
and -> in
"sloshing around like her own persona condom"
persona -> personal
redress -> to rectify or put right
re-dress -> to dress someone or something again
It's in this scene, but there are thirty odd other instances in the game
"Smooth, perfectly-manicured black nails build into chitin-layered fingers"
build -> built
"Kind've pretty still though. Want it?"
I suggest 'Still kind've pretty, though. Want it?'
"To make sure this hive is irreparable cursed2
irreparable -> irreparably
"Laden is the first to come up for air"
Laden -> Liaden
"The girls eagerly your depths with playfully little circles punctuated by knuckle-deep thrusts"
They eagerly _____ your depths
"Even still, most of yyour attention remains firmly fixated"
Even still -> Even so / Still
"When the last of them has entered you, packing your belly so full that you can feel individual eggs pressing out against your [pc.skinFurScales]"
I suggest 'When the last of them has entered you, your belly is so full[...]' or 'Finally, the last of them enters you, packing your belly so full[...]'
"their bimbofied assets keep getting their way as because of how sticky they are"
getting their way -> getting in their way
"Okay, let's get you rolled over so you can take my stingy-cock and deep."
and -> in
"sloshing around like her own persona condom"
persona -> personal
redress -> to rectify or put right
re-dress -> to dress someone or something again
It's in this scene, but there are thirty odd other instances in the game
"Smooth, perfectly-manicured black nails build into chitin-layered fingers"
build -> built
"Kind've pretty still though. Want it?"
I suggest 'Still kind've pretty, though. Want it?'
(Old Forest)(Hornet Hive)
"though it takes a moment for your friends[party.som|||s] to arrive in the arms"
Friends comes out with a double s if you have more than one other in your party.
friends[party.som|||s] -> friend[party.som|||s]
"rather dark and imposing... better not risk it for now."
This message about not risking it was still there after I had cleared the hive.
"though it takes a moment for your friends[party.som|||s] to arrive in the arms"
Friends comes out with a double s if you have more than one other in your party.
friends[party.som|||s] -> friend[party.som|||s]
"rather dark and imposing... better not risk it for now."
This message about not risking it was still there after I had cleared the hive.
(Frostwood)(Near Oxana's house)
"pair of lit lanterns[..]hanging from a large wooden arch covered with thick cords of rope that hangs over the trail..."
hangs -> hang/dangle OR hangs -> stands
hang if you're talking about the ropes, stands if you're talking about the arch; the sentence structure doesn't make it that clear.
"pair of lit lanterns[..]hanging from a large wooden arch covered with thick cords of rope that hangs over the trail..."
hangs -> hang/dangle OR hangs -> stands
hang if you're talking about the ropes, stands if you're talking about the arch; the sentence structure doesn't make it that clear.
(Liaden & Sanders)
"At least, that certainly seems the fantasy Lia's playing out, the way she clutches her poleaxe"
the way she clutches -> with the way she clutches
Not sure whether this is an issue or not, but in the scene where Liaden meets Sanders, Shar is there, but I haven't seen any kind of story where she leaves her tower or knows Sanders. That might just be my miss, though.
"At least, that certainly seems the fantasy Lia's playing out, the way she clutches her poleaxe"
the way she clutches -> with the way she clutches
Not sure whether this is an issue or not, but in the scene where Liaden meets Sanders, Shar is there, but I haven't seen any kind of story where she leaves her tower or knows Sanders. That might just be my miss, though.
(Orc Village)(Warrior's Lodge)
"the definitely look a little more confident now that they're armed to the teeth"
the -> they
"the definitely look a little more confident now that they're armed to the teeth"
the -> they
(Viviane)
"Farther down, Cait\'s [var0\n |copious \n ] ass and tail"
This rendered with a double space between "Cait's" and "ass" when playing. I'm guessing the one that needs to come out is the one on the tail end XD
"The catgirl takes it in both hands and appraises"
I suggest 'The catgirl takes the staff in both hands and appraises it'
"Farther down, Cait\'s [var0\n |copious \n ] ass and tail"
This rendered with a double space between "Cait's" and "ass" when playing. I'm guessing the one that needs to come out is the one on the tail end XD
"The catgirl takes it in both hands and appraises"
I suggest 'The catgirl takes the staff in both hands and appraises it'
(Nyzerrah)
"Regardless I believe there is anything we could do for you now"
I believe there is -> I don't believe there is
"Regardless I believe there is anything we could do for you now"
I believe there is -> I don't believe there is
(Mushroom Druidess)
"a quick survey around you reveals that [party.som|you\'re alone|it\'s just you and [comp1.name]|the three of you are alone].[comp1.|\n \n "I don\'t like this," [comp1.name] grumbles. "Hearing voices out of nowhere isn\'t-"\n \n "Mmm," the voice whispers. "Such a strong male... you could be helpful, too!"|Turning and looking back the way you came,"
This needs an additional space somewhere before "Turning"; it rendered for me with no space following the period after "alone".
"None of this makes sense; [party.som|something caresses you|[comp1.name] jumps, rubbing their backside|[comp1.name] jumps, rubbing [comp1.hisHer] backside],"
This came out as "makes sense; jumps, rubbing backside," so I'm guessing the tags need tweaking here.
"a quick survey around you reveals that [party.som|you\'re alone|it\'s just you and [comp1.name]|the three of you are alone].[comp1.|\n \n "I don\'t like this," [comp1.name] grumbles. "Hearing voices out of nowhere isn\'t-"\n \n "Mmm," the voice whispers. "Such a strong male... you could be helpful, too!"|Turning and looking back the way you came,"
This needs an additional space somewhere before "Turning"; it rendered for me with no space following the period after "alone".
"None of this makes sense; [party.som|something caresses you|[comp1.name] jumps, rubbing their backside|[comp1.name] jumps, rubbing [comp1.hisHer] backside],"
This came out as "makes sense; jumps, rubbing backside," so I'm guessing the tags need tweaking here.
(Carmen)
"So. To what do I owe the pleasure?"
I suggest 'So, to what do I owe the pleasure?'
Ryn gulps audibly. "I-I am Princess Etheryn var Ridell, of t-the Winter City. By ancient t-treaty, I humbly request sanctuary in Castle Hawkstone!
The first variation of this line is missing the closing quotation mark.
"So. To what do I owe the pleasure?"
I suggest 'So, to what do I owe the pleasure?'
Ryn gulps audibly. "I-I am Princess Etheryn var Ridell, of t-the Winter City. By ancient t-treaty, I humbly request sanctuary in Castle Hawkstone!
The first variation of this line is missing the closing quotation mark.
(General)
There is inconsistency in the spelling of Hawkethorne and Castle Hawkstone.
The spellings above are by far the most common, but there are few instances of Hawkthorne and Castle Hawkestone.
Status effects on enemies have the same tooltip as for the player. I.e. "You are poisoned" etc.
There is inconsistency in the spelling of Hawkethorne and Castle Hawkstone.
The spellings above are by far the most common, but there are few instances of Hawkthorne and Castle Hawkestone.
Status effects on enemies have the same tooltip as for the player. I.e. "You are poisoned" etc.
(Hethia & Elthara)
"Elthara says, sighing with relief as you[party.som|and the guards|and [companion.name]|and your party] arrive."
Space needed after "as you".
"You join the [pc.ra elf|other] elves at the bottom of the stairs"
Move the space inside the tag to avoid a double space.
(Elves)(Palace Catacombs)
"a scythe much like Elthara's own couched under her other armor"
armor -> arm
The same description of the statue is used for the festivus.
(Etheryn)(Palace Catacombs)
"spectral forms crawling out of the alcovers"
alcovers -> alcoves
(Elves)(Palace Catacombs)
"we'll need to be a proper exorcism together once we deal with the worst of the hauntings"
be -> bring OR be -> put
"Elthara says, sighing with relief as you[party.som|and the guards|and [companion.name]|and your party] arrive."
Space needed after "as you".
"You join the [pc.ra elf|other] elves at the bottom of the stairs"
Move the space inside the tag to avoid a double space.
(Elves)(Palace Catacombs)
"a scythe much like Elthara's own couched under her other armor"
armor -> arm
The same description of the statue is used for the festivus.
(Etheryn)(Palace Catacombs)
"spectral forms crawling out of the alcovers"
alcovers -> alcoves
(Elves)(Palace Catacombs)
"we'll need to be a proper exorcism together once we deal with the worst of the hauntings"
be -> bring OR be -> put
(Banshee) & (Queen Atheldred)
"going to need heirs in we're to rebuild our kingdom"
in -> if
(Queen Atheldred)
"Is two centuries not enough to realize the hurt you've cause me"
cause -> caused
"Bow low before you queen, all of you!"
you queen -> your queen
(Atheldred & Synneva)
"You might not have gotten Athel\'s muscle, [etheryn.highConfidence\n |but you got her heart\n |or her confidence\n ], and with my charm and wits you\'ll have nothing to fear"
Include the conjunction in the tag so you can use 'but with my charm' in the low confidence line.
"going to need heirs in we're to rebuild our kingdom"
in -> if
(Queen Atheldred)
"Is two centuries not enough to realize the hurt you've cause me"
cause -> caused
"Bow low before you queen, all of you!"
you queen -> your queen
(Atheldred & Synneva)
"You might not have gotten Athel\'s muscle, [etheryn.highConfidence\n |but you got her heart\n |or her confidence\n ], and with my charm and wits you\'ll have nothing to fear"
Include the conjunction in the tag so you can use 'but with my charm' in the low confidence line.
(Etheryn & Elthara)(Winter festivus)
"It's important that you not be seen monopolising [pc.name]"
If Ryn spends too much time with us, we would be the one who would seem to be monopolising Ryn's time, not the other way around. I suggest one of the following:
It's important that [pc.name] is not seen to be monopolising your time
It's important that you not be seen giving [pc.name] undue favor
It's important that you not be seen overly devoting your time to [pc.name]
"It's important that you not be seen monopolising [pc.name]"
If Ryn spends too much time with us, we would be the one who would seem to be monopolising Ryn's time, not the other way around. I suggest one of the following:
It's important that [pc.name] is not seen to be monopolising your time
It's important that you not be seen giving [pc.name] undue favor
It's important that you not be seen overly devoting your time to [pc.name]
(General)
Possibly not a bug, but the title you acquire is Champion of Frost, but scenes in the palace call you the champion of winter. Also, although champion of winter appears to be a title, it is not capitalised.
Possibly not a bug, but the title you acquire is Champion of Frost, but scenes in the palace call you the champion of winter. Also, although champion of winter appears to be a title, it is not capitalised.
(Atugia)
"She works with a masters precision"
masters -> master's
"Thats really all there is too it."
Thats -> That's
too -> to
"a town with people you could talk too was wierd"
too -> to
wierd -> weird
"intertwining your legs so that your [pc.Vagina]"
[pc.Vagina] -> [pc.vagina]
(Frostwood)
[party.has atugia|I can help! That one over there is about... Burning to death to sate the eternal flame!"
Missing an opening quotation mark.
"She works with a masters precision"
masters -> master's
"Thats really all there is too it."
Thats -> That's
too -> to
"a town with people you could talk too was wierd"
too -> to
wierd -> weird
"intertwining your legs so that your [pc.Vagina]"
[pc.Vagina] -> [pc.vagina]
(Frostwood)
[party.has atugia|I can help! That one over there is about... Burning to death to sate the eternal flame!"
Missing an opening quotation mark.
(Gweyr)
"the snowshoes she's wearing prevents her"
prevents -> prevent
"He thought I wouldn't have the stomach to do it and turn back home"
I suggest 'do it, and that I'd turn'
"and when I turned"
I suggest 'and when I turned around'
"where the giantess of lupine makes her bed"
of lupine -> of a lupine OR where the lupine giantess makes her bed
"There isn't a day that passes where the mountains remind me that I don't belong here"
mountains remind me -> mountains don't remind me
"Then why don't we make yourself comfortable"
we -> you OR yourself -> ourselves
"the snowshoes she's wearing prevents her"
prevents -> prevent
"He thought I wouldn't have the stomach to do it and turn back home"
I suggest 'do it, and that I'd turn'
"and when I turned"
I suggest 'and when I turned around'
"where the giantess of lupine makes her bed"
of lupine -> of a lupine OR where the lupine giantess makes her bed
"There isn't a day that passes where the mountains remind me that I don't belong here"
mountains remind me -> mountains don't remind me
"Then why don't we make yourself comfortable"
we -> you OR yourself -> ourselves
(Gweyr flashback)
(Sanders)
"skimpy maid outfit is still where it is"
where it is -> where it was
(Leold)
"You'd like more of where that came from, wouldn't you?"
I suggest 'There's more where that came from. Don't you want more?'
Leold doesn't care where it comes from, he just wants more.
"Maybe for good."
I suggest 'Maybe he's gone for good.'
(Sanders)
"skimpy maid outfit is still where it is"
where it is -> where it was
(Leold)
"You'd like more of where that came from, wouldn't you?"
I suggest 'There's more where that came from. Don't you want more?'
Leold doesn't care where it comes from, he just wants more.
"Maybe for good."
I suggest 'Maybe he's gone for good.'
(Gweyr)(Task)
the lot of you double-timing it to keep pace with the wolfess through the snow and ice \n |double-timing it to keep pace with the wolfess through the snow and ice\n ].
This line ended up producing a space between "ice" and the period.
"But the barrels, the equipment, everything else that there's no way that could be made here"
I suggest 'everything else that there's no way they could make here'
Signalling to [party.compNames] \n |Getting into position \n ] to fall back,
That's not the best quote, but either way, it ended up with two spaces before "to fall back".
"You receive 3x winterstemand 9x ovilixer"
'winterstem and'
the lot of you double-timing it to keep pace with the wolfess through the snow and ice \n |double-timing it to keep pace with the wolfess through the snow and ice\n ].
This line ended up producing a space between "ice" and the period.
"But the barrels, the equipment, everything else that there's no way that could be made here"
I suggest 'everything else that there's no way they could make here'
Signalling to [party.compNames] \n |Getting into position \n ] to fall back,
That's not the best quote, but either way, it ended up with two spaces before "to fall back".
"You receive 3x winterstemand 9x ovilixer"
'winterstem and'
(Dorieann)
"it\'s no surprise she was curious about you[party.solo\n |,\n |and your friends,\n ]"
Add a space after "about you".
"when you slip another finger into her stretching doecunt"
First time you do this scene, it's missing the text where it says "You slip two fingers between the plump lips of her cunt and enter her, running your other hand through the fur of her haunches while you work her slowly."
Good thing you're here to teach them a little about themselves, then./repeats:"Up for some more fun?" you ask.
Obviously, that "/repeats" shouldn't be there.
"it\'s no surprise she was curious about you[party.solo\n |,\n |and your friends,\n ]"
Add a space after "about you".
"when you slip another finger into her stretching doecunt"
First time you do this scene, it's missing the text where it says "You slip two fingers between the plump lips of her cunt and enter her, running your other hand through the fur of her haunches while you work her slowly."
Good thing you're here to teach them a little about themselves, then./repeats:"Up for some more fun?" you ask.
Obviously, that "/repeats" shouldn't be there.
(Brother Sanders)
This one is just my opinion.
"and a viscous black liquid dribbles from the orb. Sanders drops his arms and hurries to pluck the gem up again, wincing when it pulls a muscle."
"pluck the gem up again" -- As written, I have issue with both 'pluck' and 'again' here. I get that he is once more taking the orb in to his hands after putting it down on the pedestal, but the last time he 'plucked' it was like 4 paragraphs ago. So while you can emphasise he is grabbing the core for a second time, I think it best to use something other than 'again.
As for the 'pluck', I think to be justified you need to make it clear why he is 'plucking' rather than just picking it up. I.e. you need to describe what he is plucking it from. I imagine he is plucking it from a pool of black liquid that is beginning to form, but the text doesn't actually mention that, it just says that there is liquid coming from the orb.
"wincing when it pulls a muscle" -- the natural thing for the 'it' here to be referring to is the orb. Obviously, the orb itself is not pulling a muscle, and even if it was (it is magical, after all) why would Sanders wince about it? Simplest change here is to change 'it' to 'he', but if you want to keep the intended meaning, 'wincing when doing so pulls a muscle'
This one is just my opinion.
"and a viscous black liquid dribbles from the orb. Sanders drops his arms and hurries to pluck the gem up again, wincing when it pulls a muscle."
"pluck the gem up again" -- As written, I have issue with both 'pluck' and 'again' here. I get that he is once more taking the orb in to his hands after putting it down on the pedestal, but the last time he 'plucked' it was like 4 paragraphs ago. So while you can emphasise he is grabbing the core for a second time, I think it best to use something other than 'again.
As for the 'pluck', I think to be justified you need to make it clear why he is 'plucking' rather than just picking it up. I.e. you need to describe what he is plucking it from. I imagine he is plucking it from a pool of black liquid that is beginning to form, but the text doesn't actually mention that, it just says that there is liquid coming from the orb.
"wincing when it pulls a muscle" -- the natural thing for the 'it' here to be referring to is the orb. Obviously, the orb itself is not pulling a muscle, and even if it was (it is magical, after all) why would Sanders wince about it? Simplest change here is to change 'it' to 'he', but if you want to keep the intended meaning, 'wincing when doing so pulls a muscle'
(Kohaku)
"overlook the indiscretion.What's more concerning"
Missing space, although I didn't check the tags to see why.
"overlook the indiscretion.What's more concerning"
Missing space, although I didn't check the tags to see why.