[0.3.31] More text errors/suggestions

[CrackSpaniel]

This is a reasonably lengthy list of things I picked up back in May 2020 on version 0.2.48 that I never got round to posting. However, I have checked all of these against the current version, and they are all still there.

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Wayfort)
There's a door leading east and west from here, and the hall stretches out well over a hundred feet to the south.
There's a door -> There're doors OR There's a door leading -> There's a door leading to paths that go

Beyond it, twenty paces further east, is the crumbling remains of a stone watchtower.
east -> west

To the south and inside the Wayfort, it is described as a "centuries-old defense against some long-forgotten foe." but north of the Wayfort it is described as defending "the realm of the boreal elves against the Belharan Empire."
Not sure if I missed some exposition there or it's just because they were written at different times.

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Gianna)
"There, Gianna’s the gargoyle, or a golem... Or something."
Gianna's the gargoyle -> Gianna's a gargoyle
~I'm assuming that Gianna isn't the only gargoyle in this world.

folding her arms, before finally taking a deep breath to answer. "Magic!".
~No need for that extra period.

"Runes are an art, and a... math... thing. I’m incredibly good at writing runes, but I’m crap at writing the correct... math... Thing for them."
math... Thing -> math... thing

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Frostwood)
By now, the trail has completely petered out, and even if there were one wouldn't want to tread on bare ground anyway.
~Consider "even if there were one, one wouldn't want to tread on the bare ground here anyway" or "even if it hadn't, one wouldn't want to tread on the bare ground here, anyway"
~We are presumably saying the character would not want to step on the ground in this specific location, rather than them having a general aversion to walking on soil.

You beat back the tangled vines with your [pc.weapon] in a bid to extricate yourself from the situation, but don't manage to get out without several scraped from the vicious vegetation.
scraped -> scrapes

faintest of paths eastward, though a particularly rocky patch of forest that leads towards a number of hills.
though -> through

clinging to the warmth of the seawater where here on the surface there's only ice and hoarfrost.
~This is part of a paragraph of text talking about the valley that's reused a few times in this area. Consider changing "where here on the surface" to "while up here"; "here on the surface" implies that the area you are talking about is below the surface, ie. inside the ground, when in fact it is just at a much lower level than the player.

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Frostwood)
Our, my, ancestors thought the earthfire would keep the frost from consuming our hearts.
~I suggest 'Our... my ancestors thought the earthfire would keep the frost from consuming our hearts.'
~There's a couple of different ways you could handle the start of this line but using commas isn't one of them.

Pine needles mixed with the occasional leaf coat the ground, with the occasional brown-capped, tubular mushroom peering out from amongst the pine roots.
~Consider changing one of the 'occasional's to avoid the usage twice in this sentence. Also, you don't need all those commas.

Best not linger here for overlong, no matter how captivating the view.
~Overlong is not a term I'd normally use, but 'for overlong' seems to be incorrect usage.

Steep, moss-covered cliffs prevent just anyone from waltzing down to the water's edge
prevent just anyone from -> prevent anyone from just

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Ways Between)
You stand overtop of the Marefolk Village, watching the equines come and go far beneath your feet.
overtop of -> high above
~Whilst I can't say I'm personally familiar with the term 'overtop', this usage seems incorrect.

They barely look like horses at all from this angle, so similar to humans aside from the shapes of their heads.
shapes -> shape

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Kurako)
Nails digging into skin, you knead her mounds into your meat, gradually sinking to until you're pulsing against her taint.
to until -> until

you groan in satisfaction, every inch pushed through and every inch withdrawn a moment to relish and celebrate by smacking her apple-bottom.
~All the other descriptions indicates that Kurako has plump buttocks, so I can't personally understand why here she is referred to as having an 'apple-bottom'.

You can't wait wait either, but you want to go just a little longer.
wait wait -> wait

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Imp encounter)
While it may seem cruel, your decision have left Savarra a slightly better, less tainted place.
have -> has
~Searching the code reveals that this seems to be in three different variations of the conclusion of this combat.

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Kitsune Den)
In lieu of saving space, Azami and her subordinates have eschewed futons in lieu of hammocks
In lieu of -> By way of OR In lieu of saving space -> To save space

The concierge herself has little need of personal possessions, but those of her subordinates are visible in their own patches of personal space
personal possessions -> possessions

this lot doesn't get too used to sleeping with a roof under their heads.
under -> over


The same warm radiance of the tree's insides pervades this vast chamber, too, bringing sunlight to those who need it
~Has an extra space at the end


Perhaps it's the sight of root vegetables in neat, raised rows, or the rustling of leaves in the breeze, or maybe it's the constant scent of the tree's sap.
~It is perhaps because of those things that... what, exactly?


Beds of delicate pink and white flowers dot the surroundings amidst vibrant green grass
~The day variation of the sentence before this has an extra space

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Vari)
Good to [flags.VARI_MET|see |meet] you, Vari.
~There is an additional space after 'see'

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Kohaku)
it extends all the way to her curves of her pert, squeezable butt
to her curves -> to the curves

Not that there's any naked thigh visible — black silken leggings hug her legs all the way to her high boots, and one gets the impression that the amount of thigh between the hem of her skirts and her boots has been very carefully calculated for maximum effect on anyone brave or lecherous enough to ogle.
~This feels like a reference to zettai ryouiki (absolute territory), especially the "carefully calculated" bit (the ratio is 4:1:2.5, btw). But that term is specifically for the area of exposed skin below the mini skirt and above the overknee socks/stockings, and Kohaku is explicitly stated as having no skin exposed. Probably overthinking that one

Kohaku's finished all of the bookkeeping and paperwork involving in running the storehouse.
involving -> involved

You've never actually been to Jassira, but with the way Cait dresses you wouldn't be surprised.
~It's not really clear what the PC 'isn't surprised' about, but I'm guessing it's the temperature.
~I'd suggest 'with the way Cait dresses, it doesn't surprise you.'

she still reigned when I was a kitten, I still remember that
~Lose one of the 'still's

She'd change the laws at a whim so that no one would know if the ones in effect the previous day were in effect the next.
change the laws at a whim so that -> change the laws at whim so much that

You'd love to her her talk about her job...
her her -> hear her

Hmm. She said "drop off" and "pick up".
~Drop off is in italics, but pick up is not.

Kohaku pulls off a register from a nearby shelf.
pulls off a -> pulls a

he still drinks more far more sake than he ought to
drinks more far more -> drinks far more

Kohaku shuts the register with a thump and places it back atop the pile.
~The register came from a shelf

It works quite differently from what that natives of this realm are used to
from what that -> from what the

Metal goods. Salt. Wheat flour... we don't have the land for that, not after rice.
Metal goods. Salt. Wheat flour... we don't -> Metal goods, salt, wheat flour... We don't


one suppose it balances out the danger that she'd be in
one suppose -> you suppose OR one suppose -> one supposes


Since young, I've always wanted to try and fit in
Since young -> Since I was young

I wonder if there's nothing me about being uniquely me
nothing me about -> nothing... me about

just a superstition, [pc.ra kitsune| my [pc.mf|lord|lady]],
~If you're not kitsune, this renders as "just a superstition, ,"

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Takahiro)
pushes the straw up, carefully biting the straw.
up ,carefully biting the straw -> up and he carefully bites it

The cork doesn't come out, yet raises enough that it allows him to sip a mouthful of booze; once he removes it, you spot the small
yet raises -> yet it raises
booze; once he removes it, -> booze. Once he's finished,
~I don't really understand the relationship between the cork and straw here, either.

Back then, my travels took me pretty south;
pretty south -> pretty far south

But I gave the notes to Komari that I found with that king
to Komari that I found with that king -> I found with the king to Komari


"Well, whatever. I guess you'll come this way again if you need something.
~No italics

See you later,[flags.TAKA_OPINION -10 -5|manuke|[pc.name]]
~Missing a space after the comma

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Miko & Kohaku)
Least I can do f'r what yer giving us -- his divine lordship such rich veggies
Least I can do f'r what yer giving us -> Least I can do f'r giving us
~I'm assuming this is 'I can do for what you're giving us'

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Kinu)
.Well, she's a woman now.
~Missing space after that period

time flows strangely when compared to out here
strangely when compared -> strangely there when compared


As she approaches the nearest mandarin tree, the sets her ladder against its trunk
the sets her -> she sets her

Hey down below, Dad!
~I suggest 'Hey, watch out below'; I just think the line sounds awkward.

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Kiyoko's Home)
As for the fields, rows of tilled earth belie crops, some of which you recognise and others you don't.
~"belie" doesn't really makes sense to me here.

her ability to coax the earth into bringing forth its fruits is shaping up to be legendary
~The period after "legendary" is on a new line.


(Kiyoko)
The sound of another person's voice is something you take for granted, until you do not.
~'You take it for granted and then you don't'; this line isn't really saying anything.

.The memories this will evoke in the both of us make my eyes water...
~Missing space before "The"

Now that you can see the spread laid out before you,
~I suggest 'With it on the table, you can now see the spread laid out before you:'

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Prince Nyze)
A figure strides into view from the right side of the balcony, the crude-carved stairs caking in honey with every step they take.
~Honey is just appearing on the stairs?
the crude-carved stairs caking in honey with every step they take. -> the honey dripping from their body caking the crude-carved stairs with every step they take.

He snaps his fingers and two of the milking drones turned;
milking drones turned; -> milking drones turn around;

the pair gather scattered clothes and rush to his side.
rush to his side -> rush to his side to fit them
~As written, it's not clear that the "scattered clothes" are his and not the drones.

The drones immediately move aside as a trio of lusty drone bimbos clamber up the stairs
The drones -> The drones then
drone bimbos -> bimbos
~Too many references to drones in this scene; it makes it unclear who is being talked about in places.


Even a few of the hornets grab his beautiful hair
Even a few of the hornets -> A few of the hornets even

wreathing it around shafts or tightening it into tight strands to thrust their hips back and forth across it like a wooden horse.
into tight strands to thrust their hips back and forth across it like a wooden horse -> into strands they can ride and thrust their hips back and forth across like a wooden horse

ply them from the bossy drone now. For now, you should resume your journey
bossy drone now -> bossy drone at the moment

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Honey Golem)
before the honey all around the key wobbles and erupts
~In the rest of the scene, the PC is trying to get "the whip floating on top of the rippling honey-bath"

dark-gold eyes start forming on from the momentarily-blank face
forming on from -> forming from


(Hornet Hive)
This small chamber branches east off central hall
east off -> east from the


(Jyrranaz)
streaks of dark purple in places: her overfull breasts seep with a deep purple juice, and two thin lines of them go from her eyes to either side of her lower jaw.
~"two thin lines of them": this would either be 'two thin lines' of "streaks of dark purple" or "deep purple juice". Either way, it should be 'two thin lines of it'.
~You can also simplify "lower jaw" to 'jaw'; I don't think it makes it any clearer where the lines end.

stepping toward you with the grace of an actress on a walkway
actress on a walkway -> model on a runway

 

[CrackSpaniel]

(Nyzerrah)
with something more expected in the form of
~The silly text has a space either side, so when it's not displayed, there is a double space here between "expected" and "in the form of"

They hang bare, and beads of the sweet nectar dribbles from them
dribbles from -> dribble from

Her hips are wide as though made for birthing
~Kind of awkward phrasing here. Maybe just 'She has birthing hips'

~Capitalization of queen
~The majority of the time, queen should not be capitalized. The only time when you would would be as part of a title, like Queen of the Winter City, or possibly when queen is being used in place of a name.

She's right in this, I know it[...]But I'm sorry[...]I can't fight her.
~Azzy agrees with the queen, so she's not then contradicting that when she says she can't fight; lose the 'But' in "But I'm sorry".

"I'm so sorry..." She whispers.
She whispers -> she whispers

The handmaidens [party.som|are watching you curiously
~"The handmaidens" is only for the first variation of the line and so should be inside the tag.

rubbing them down of the sticky post-fight effluvia.
rubbing them down of -> scrubbing them clean of

scrub them down with clean cloths from the sticky post-fight effluvia.
scrub them of the sticky post-fight effluvia with clean cloths.


"Stop attacking and raping people
~The quote is not in italics