Jael'yn - Initial Frost Hound Encounter
1. "Frosthound" should be "the Frost Hound" (two words).
2. "This commotion" should be "the commotion".
3. "On spotting you however, Garth [...]" should be "on spotting you, however, Garth [...]".
4. Comma splice in Etheryn's dialogue. Should change "It was my fault, I just couldn't [...]" to "It was my fault. I just couldn't [...]"
5. "Narrowly ruined" should be "narrowly ruin" to keep tense consistent.
6. "A few coins" and "a few drinks" in the last sentence are repetitive; I would change "orders a few drinks" to "orders drinks".
7. "He still doesn't look pleased" should probably be "Garth still doesn't look pleased"; he hasn't been referred to in several sentences and this is the first time he's referenced in this paragraph, so best practice is to use the antecedent instead of the pronoun. In this case, the "Garth has been sitting" two sentences later would need to be changed to "He's been sitting" or something similar.
8. The "as though he could" before "chew on the words" is extraneous and should probably be changed to "to chew on the words".
9. Independent clause separation in the last sentence should be revised somewhat. The current form is grammatically incorrect and also, I think, doesn't really convey his tone that well. I recommend something like this: "And keep Garret from sticking his dick in her. I mean it. This is a tavern [...]" The periods, in addition to clearing up the comma splice issue, should make him seem more serious.
10. "Deprived sex-den" should be "depraved sex-den".
11. As Spotty pointed out, there should be a space in "man,woman, or both [...]"
Jael'yn - Frost Hound Interior
12. There is no idle reference to Jael'yn in the "Guests" tab while in the Frost Hound. Not sure if this is an oversight, intentional, unfinished content, or a bug.
13. Jael'yn's button refers to "Jaelyn" with no glottal stop. This is also true of Jael'yn's scene name in the upper right corner.
Jael'yn - Frost Hound Rut
14. The "yours" here by itself right after the semicolon is awkward.
15. Recommend replacing "while a delightfully attractive ring" with "while her delightfully attractive ring".
16. I think that there should be ellipses on both sides of "not that it's a long break for air", not just the one, because it's an interrupting clause. Em dashes would also work.
17. The ellipsis here is extraneous, possibly a leftover transition from text that is not available for this character.
18. "I needed that, it's a shame [...]" should be "I needed that. It's a shame [...]"
19. "Jerking a soft cock" should be "jerking her soft cock".
20. The two "ohs" in "oh, in oh-so-many ways" are repetitive; I would change it to "oh, in so many ways".
Jael'yn - Frost Hound Ryn Threesome
21. The ellipsis after "turning swiftly around" should probably be an em dash.
22. I would change around the clauses in the first two sentences. A more grammatically correct structure would be
24. Might not be a bug, but Jael'yn is referred to as both a "redeemed maid" and a "tainted elf" in the same paragraph. That seems to be a little contradictory and might (?) be an artifact of unimplemented content.
25. The comma splice in the "I only said spread 'em [...]" sentence should be remediated: "I only said spread 'em. You have to wait for me now, Jael'yn."
26. The "her" in "her complaints trail off" should be capitalized.
27. The comma splice in the "You can fuck her now [...]" sentence should be remediated: "You can fuck her now. Make Ryn cum."
Jael'yn - Frost Hound Ride
28. "[...] follow an order like that... she slips [...]" should be "[...]follow an order like that. She slips [...]"
29. I recommend adding a comma between "honestly" and "watching".
30. I don't know that the "Hells" can stand on its own in front of a semicolon. An em dash or comma might be better.
31. The ellipsis after "slow you down" should probably be a period.
2. "This commotion" should be "the commotion".
3. "On spotting you however, Garth [...]" should be "on spotting you, however, Garth [...]".
4. Comma splice in Etheryn's dialogue. Should change "It was my fault, I just couldn't [...]" to "It was my fault. I just couldn't [...]"
5. "Narrowly ruined" should be "narrowly ruin" to keep tense consistent.
6. "A few coins" and "a few drinks" in the last sentence are repetitive; I would change "orders a few drinks" to "orders drinks".
8. The "as though he could" before "chew on the words" is extraneous and should probably be changed to "to chew on the words".
9. Independent clause separation in the last sentence should be revised somewhat. The current form is grammatically incorrect and also, I think, doesn't really convey his tone that well. I recommend something like this: "And keep Garret from sticking his dick in her. I mean it. This is a tavern [...]" The periods, in addition to clearing up the comma splice issue, should make him seem more serious.
10. "Deprived sex-den" should be "depraved sex-den".
11. As Spotty pointed out, there should be a space in "man,woman, or both [...]"
Jael'yn - Frost Hound Interior
Jael'yn - Frost Hound Rut
15. Recommend replacing "while a delightfully attractive ring" with "while her delightfully attractive ring".
16. I think that there should be ellipses on both sides of "not that it's a long break for air", not just the one, because it's an interrupting clause. Em dashes would also work.
20. The two "ohs" in "oh, in oh-so-many ways" are repetitive; I would change it to "oh, in so many ways".
Jael'yn - Frost Hound Ryn Threesome
22. I would change around the clauses in the first two sentences. A more grammatically correct structure would be
"It's not the whirlwind of groping hands chasing each other up the stairs to your room that you might have expected, though. If anything, the way Jael'yn acts is casual, perhaps to protect the smaller elf from the rest of the tavern-goers' opinions of her. It's obvious you and Jael'yn are both humongous sluts..."
(NB: I feel extremely seen here, SKoW)
23. I would turn the semicolon after "once the doors are closed, though" into a period, and split off the "hugging her close [...]" clause into an expanded separate sentence.(NB: I feel extremely seen here, SKoW)
24. Might not be a bug, but Jael'yn is referred to as both a "redeemed maid" and a "tainted elf" in the same paragraph. That seems to be a little contradictory and might (?) be an artifact of unimplemented content.
26. The "her" in "her complaints trail off" should be capitalized.
27. The comma splice in the "You can fuck her now [...]" sentence should be remediated: "You can fuck her now. Make Ryn cum."
Jael'yn - Frost Hound Ride
29. I recommend adding a comma between "honestly" and "watching".