A small one scene expac with Verusha on myrellion
where you can go relax in the bathhouse.
Verusha's myrellion encounter
where you can go relax in the bathhouse.
Verusha's myrellion encounter
[Editors welcome] Verusha's myrellion encounter
- Thread starter Doots
- Start date
Well, I made a few grammar edits and pointed out a few bits I thought could be improved style-wise.
Having finished with the pedantry, and in terms of the scene in general, I like it. You do a decent job of showing her growing affection for you without being too heavy-handed, and the combination of setting and sexual content is fairly novel.
Now, onto the critique. I'd like to see it made a bit longer and more detailed. It all goes by rather quick and there are a few points where you seem to skip over stuff, which sorta breaks up the 'flow' of the scene. Also, while your bathhouse setting is good, and I like the use of the cigar (Verusha, have you met Dr. Freud?), you don't do much with either after introducing them, except a couple of lines about the water. I think it would be even better if you incorporated those elements in a more...sensory way (talk about the steam or the smoke or how the water feels or whatever), and it would help to really place players in the scene.
Like I said, I think it's a promising scene overall, and hopefully my criticism is constructive.
Having finished with the pedantry, and in terms of the scene in general, I like it. You do a decent job of showing her growing affection for you without being too heavy-handed, and the combination of setting and sexual content is fairly novel.
Now, onto the critique. I'd like to see it made a bit longer and more detailed. It all goes by rather quick and there are a few points where you seem to skip over stuff, which sorta breaks up the 'flow' of the scene. Also, while your bathhouse setting is good, and I like the use of the cigar (Verusha, have you met Dr. Freud?), you don't do much with either after introducing them, except a couple of lines about the water. I think it would be even better if you incorporated those elements in a more...sensory way (talk about the steam or the smoke or how the water feels or whatever), and it would help to really place players in the scene.
Like I said, I think it's a promising scene overall, and hopefully my criticism is constructive.
It'd be really helpful to point out where you think this is an issue, it'll make it noticeably easier when I'm rewriting.
Okay, I don't want to leave a bunch of really wordy comments to explain what I mean, so I'll give a couple of examples here. I didn't actually notice as much on second look, so don't worry really.
Anyway, for example, this bit:
Since you're in the middle of a sex scene, I don't think there's any reason not to add an extra sentence or two about her shoving a finger up your butt. In general it's fine to elide certain events when writing, it usually helps to keep things moving, but, and we're going into my personal opinions here so take it with a grain of salt, I think the best smut has a kind of flow and build to it, and can even feel a bit drawn out at times. Here, it feels (to me) like you've kinda skipped a step.
As an aside, I do appreciate that that bit is partly just extra flavour for dick-havers, and that writing a single scene for both is more involved.
The same goes for her orgasm, where you go pretty much straight from her starting to fuck properly to her cumming in one sentence. Sure, time is passing, but even if the action isn't changing, a bit of extra description can actually give a better feeling of that than just stating it does.
I'm sorry, I feel like I'm being a bit harsh here, but the good news is that in the end I'm basically saying I want to see more of your writing!
Nah, you're not being harsh.
and as for those two bits, they certainly do help because they give me a bit of where to focus my attention.
Also, I have another expac in need of editing
hint hint, nudge nudge.
This is just a joke, do not take it seriously if you have no interest in that content.
and as for those two bits, they certainly do help because they give me a bit of where to focus my attention.
Also, I have another expac in need of editing
hint hint, nudge nudge.
This is just a joke, do not take it seriously if you have no interest in that content.
I'll be busy for a while now but I don't mind Erika so although brainwashing ain't my thang I'd be happy to give it a quick pass for typos and grammar and stuff later. It doesn't look like it's too long, after all.
Did a quick pass myself and left some comments. Love that there's gonna be some more Verusha out there!
I did enjoy that it shows Verusha warming up to Steele some more and the setting of it as well. Though any suggestions I had have already been made, and more detailed.
I did enjoy that it shows Verusha warming up to Steele some more and the setting of it as well. Though any suggestions I had have already been made, and more detailed.