Faux-Drider

[Brotherthat]

Just thought I would drop a link to a story I am working on if that is OK. This project is the first time I have tried to write anything to this scale, thus expect lots of spelling and grammar errors. Nothing in the work is currently set in stone and nearly everything is subject to revision. I would love to hear any feed back that anyone is willing to share, along with any edits or helpful criticism.

Not too heavy on any sex yet but it is planed.

Summery: Private Ada of House Carlia, member of the imperial mercenaries guild, comes under attack by a mindless,spider like parasite. Unable to fend off her attacker Ada's consciousness, memories, personality and very body is merged with the creature. Now no longer human, Ada struggles to keep hold of her new instincts. Instincts that demand that she hunt, establish territory and breed. All the while trying to hide from her former guild, who believes that she may well have the capacity to end whole civilizations.

Setting: Fantasy, similar to early enlightenment ere Europe with a bit of magic-punk thrown in.

Tags/warnings: Spiders, spider morphs, driders, eggs and ovipositors, transformation, mental manipulation, futanari, female on female, futa on female, female on futa, consensual, non consensual, descriptions of violence, descriptions of blood and gore, parasitism, fireball casting frogs, giant mutant mantis shrimp, horny mages and much more.

Link to story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CAtf7sXZJc7yedJeOTxS3lUgyuja4PbBd2XVXa6rEXk/edit?usp=sharing

Thank you.

 

[Akhter13]

Your word count is 54K that puts you in novel territory, so don't expect a detailed critique too soon

 

[Brotherthat]

Your word count is 54K that puts you in novel territory, so don't expect a detailed critique too soon

Yep I am very much aware of that. I'm just grateful if any one even takes the time to read even opening to be honest. Thank you very much for your comments on the doc itself.

 

[Akhter13]

I get that the prologue is intended to provide a sense of urgency to draw the reader in, however the complete change of pace in the next chapter makes it feel like it is from another book. These parts tell fundamentally different types of story, one a sweaty pulsing body horror and the other a chatty preamble to a possible rite of passage tale. You need to find a connection, synthesis a relationship, even if it is that everything after the prologue is the fevered flashback of a transforming mind [that would have the advantage of making Ada her own narrator].
However if I was asked for 1 criticism it would be that after reading the first chapter I still don't know why Ada made this choice. What is motivating her? What is at stake? Why should I care?

 

[Brotherthat]

I get that the prologue is intended to provide a sense of urgency to draw the reader in, however the complete change of pace in the next chapter makes it feel like it is from another book.

I feel the prologue no longer fits. It was written long long before the current chapters one, two and three. Originally the next chapter flashed backed to just before Ada got absorbed into the titular creature , that chapter is still around the big pile of future content stuff near the bottom of the doc. What I think I will do is just toss the prologue into the opening for part 2(After chapter 4) and write a new prologue briefly detailing one of the major magical catastrophes from the point of Ada's great great aunt Pauline. Hopefully that will better tie into part 1 as well as introduce some of the main themes of the narrative's world. Do you have any thoughts on this?

My intent for part 1 (Chapters 1-4) Is to introduce the characters, the world, with slowly alluding to the effect of magical mutation up-till the climax of the arc in chapter 4 where the cast has to deal with a large violent mana mutant.

However if I was asked for 1 criticism it would be that after reading the first chapter I still don't know why Ada made this choice. What is motivating her? What is at stake? Why should I care?

Looks like Ill need to go back to chapter one once I finish chapter 4. I will need to find places in the chapter to directly answer those questions. Why did Ada join the guild: Ada felt she had no other option due to tradition and the societies gender roles, that being that all human females of the empire should be trained to be soldiers. Motivation: Her fear of disappointing the expectations of her family, ancestors, and fellow guild members. This conflicts with her feeling of being trapped by a life that has already been pre- planed for her since birth but can only rebel slightly though her hobbies. What is at stake: In chapter one at least, the reputation of Ada's family and Ada's own agency. Chapter 2 adds a few more but I assume you have not read that far yet.

As for why any one should care... I don't know. This story has been floating around in my head for years and its going to drive me nuts if I don't write it down. Why I care so much about this project is that the mechanics, society and species of the world I am envisioning in my head are fascinating to me and I wish to explore them to the fullest. Writing a story set in that would seam to be the best way to do that. If other people show interest then that is a very pleasant bonus. I tend to get lost in world building, as such I have an expend area at the bottom of the doc for stuff that doesn't fit into the narrative.

I hope what I can thus far will encourage further reading. Either way thank you very much for your words and critics so far.