[WIP] Alisa, the Human

[SomethingRandom]

Let me start out by posting my amateur stuff again. Good thing i only had like 5 Posts.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/10AeNQdHq3b5c-luYuS2Osy19tonalz90e4jfjqxMaJ4/edit?usp=sharing

She is you could say... not very good in terms of conversing with others. - Other than that she is very proficient in ranged combat, and is supposed to be a Companion further down the road (With her own quest and what not) but that's still ways off.

Tell me your thoughts please. I'm still a Noob. As i said before, "Come at me and teach me bro."

(The Forums look pretty nifty, if i may say so myself. I'd appreciate a Dark theme though.)

 

[JakeCWolf]

It's nice to see a proposed characters that's "normal" for a change. Not that I don't like me some far out alien sexiness but a sexable human would be a nice change, I'm pretty sure we don't have any in TiTs yet.

Also pretty sure how the forums look now is just "stock", Fen will get around to sexfying it some time soon. Gotta remeber how broadsided he got about the old site going kersplat.

 

[Sacredferro]

Human? Like...an actual normal human? And, she has green eyes? Sign me up. Not that I mind demons and aliens, but one human other than the PC at least isn't asking for much I suppose.

 

[Kesil]

 I'm pretty sure we don't have any in TiTs yet.

Geoff is a sexable vanilla human guy. Then, with different degres of kinks, we have Alex, Del and Ceria, and, unless you count his "surprises", Burt. But I guess she'd be the first female, as Ceria has elven features.

 

[Ormael]

She is you could say... not very good in terms of conversing with others. - Other than that she is very proficient in ranged combat, and is supposed to be a Companion further down the road (With her own quest and what not) but that's still ways off.

Hmm social closed aren't we?

Otherwise I gonna keep my thumb(s) for this npc to reach state that allow adding her ingame.

 

[Nebula Fox]

To an extent, Sera and most of the peeps on New Texas are humans too, just heavily modded humans.

 

[Ormael]

But when we try look over all those humans to find unmodded and in other ways normal ones we barely could find any. Many npc are or alines or modded into aline-like shape humans but still not "just" humans. Then again I think not many people could expect TiTS have tons of normal unmodded/TF'd humans there to interact with.

 

[SomethingRandom]

Hmm social closed aren't we?

Otherwise I gonna keep my thumb(s) for this npc to reach state that allow adding her ingame.

Heh, not gonna stop writing until she's done. - It would be pretty stupid to let all that Stuff go to waste now that it took days just writing her initial Event.

Written out some Stuff about her Battle-Rifle and her Katana. Not final though. (As with everything else i have written.)

Nice to see people liking the idea of a non modded human female in TiTS, i was rather worried i'd get smitten in an instant as i pressed the "Post Thread" button on the old forums!

 

[SomethingRandom]

Dangit, i usually edit my Posts to record my progress in writing her, but it seems the time you have to edit a post is now limited. fenoxo, fix it pls. 

I hate bumping my posts while there is one of mine directly at the end lol.

Written out some stuff about her Captainship, her clothing color, and the choice to bring her along to Uveto VII.

 

[SomethingRandom]

Whelp, Written out some stuff about herself. (Even though she ain't much in the Mood to talk about it.) 

And am planning to write out some influential stuff that's going to change the possible outcomes of her side-quest.

But dayummmmm, it is going to take a decade to see the fruits this and get it written out. - Therefore i'd like Alisa to be written out enough that she can pack up her things and leave to Uveto VII.

The rest would come at a later date. Especially since i feel like it'd get way out of proportion for a first project if i were to punch-out everything in one go. 

She would be then be sexable and be available as a follower when you finish her side-quest.

There are still some talk options i have to write, spelling errors i have to fix, and generally make it look a bit prettier, so no sir, it ain't done yet. Gimme a Month or two. Or more.

 

[Kurble]

Ok, before my big thoughts compilation, I'm gonna say good job for doing an actual human. As you can see from a few other commentors, that sort of thing is kind of a rarity in TiTS, and Fenoxo's stuff in general. Also, sorry for filling in the doc with my suggestions, you might want to approve or disapprove them so someone else can get a word in :3

I'm currently combing through the doc, but thought I'd offer some thoughts in no particular order.

First off, you've used a lot of points where the PC talks written dialogue. The general rule for stuff like that as far as I've seen from TiTS is generally write implied dialogue instead of specific dialogue, as in instead of writing ("Stop grabbing my cock," you say.), you write (You mention that he should remove his hand from your dick). I don't actually know if this is a rule as far as things go, but seems to be the norm. (Just noticed someone already brought that up at the beginning of the doc. Again, I don't actually know if  this is a rule, but you might want to look into it.)

Leading on from that, if you do have the PC talking (even if it's only implied speech), make sure to switch paragraph for every new speaker. It's a general rule of writing and makes differentiating speakers a lot easier.

Myself and other have already pointed it out, but having an OP character, at least at the point TiTS is in development, is fairly, for lack of a better word, fanfictiony. No, Alisa's not that bad, but you might want to revise some of the stats. At least she's inept with the katana already.

I'm actually fairly interested by the body preferral. It's already technically in place for some characters, but usually those are "No I won't sleep with you" and "I will definitely sleep with you" checks, whereas this, as far as I can tell, is more of a flavour text thing. No real points here, just interested to see where you go with that.

I've refrained from a couple of points that really come down to opinion, but I'd recommend getting an editor like myself or another user to go through it and change some stuff or give suggestions about a few things. I know this is early development and all, but just wanted to make sure you have that brought to your attention.

The writing is pretty formal in places. Not unexpected for a draft, just letting you know.

Noticing you've put capitalisation in front of words like "Face" and "Eyes" makes me wonder if you put those there intentionally for your own editing purposes, If so, feel free to ignore my corrections, or let me know so I can remove them.

Welp, you've done a good job with this. I was pretty surprised to see that bit in the middle that's about 12 or so different possibilities of the same conversation. I mean, keep that up and you'll have a real beast of a character, if slightly underappreciated by people who stick with one character type.

 

[SomethingRandom]

Ok, before my big thoughts compilation, I'm gonna say good job for doing an actual human. As you can see from a few other commentors, that sort of thing is kind of a rarity in TiTS, and Fenoxo's stuff in general. Also, sorry for filling in the doc with my suggestions, you might want to approve or disapprove them so someone else can get a word in :3

 First off, let me say that I love you for finding errors and giving me tips on how to improve the stuff I wrote. It's really kind of you. And secondly, i never really was that aware of the actual lack of regular humans in TiTS, but it's cool to see that i unknowingly started contributing to a lacking spot of content in TiTS.

First off, you've used a lot of points where the PC talks written dialogue. The general rule for stuff like that as far as I've seen from TiTS is generally write implied dialogue instead of specific dialogue, as in instead of writing ("Stop grabbing my cock," you say.), you write (You mention that he should remove his hand from your dick). I don't actually know if this is a rule as far as things go, but seems to be the norm. (Just noticed someone already brought that up at the beginning of the doc. Again, I don't actually know if  this is a rule, but you might want to look into it.)

 If it's the norm then by all means shall i abide by it. - I'll write out one last convo, then get my ass onto fixing what i already have.

Leading on from that, if you do have the PC talking (even if it's only implied speech), make sure to switch paragraph for every new speaker. It's a general rule of writing and makes differentiating speakers a lot easier.

I gotcha.

 Myself and other have already pointed it out, but having an OP character, at least at the point TiTS is in development, is fairly, for lack of a better word, fanfictiony. No, Alisa's not that bad, but you might want to revise some of the stats. At least she's inept with the katana already.

I figured that this was the case, but couldn't really figure what would be considered "normal" for a Character of whatever level. - I worked her down to Level 10. Lowered her Stats a little too.  

I'm actually fairly interested by the body preferral. It's already technically in place for some characters, but usually those are "No I won't sleep with you" and "I will definitely sleep with you" checks, whereas this, as far as I can tell, is more of a flavour text thing. No real points here, just interested to see where you go with that.

 Same here. - It certainly shouldn't turn out as simple as "Yes" or "No" though.

I've refrained from a couple of points that really come down to opinion, but I'd recommend getting an editor like myself or another user to go through it and change some stuff or give suggestions about a few things. I know this is early development and all, but just wanted to make sure you have that brought to your attention.

From what i have seen from you, i'd gladly take any thoughts you have and/or corrections you have on her. 

The writing is pretty formal in places. Not unexpected for a draft, just letting you know.

Acknowledged.

Noticing you've put capitalisation in front of words like "Face" and "Eyes" makes me wonder if you put those there intentionally for your own editing purposes, If so, feel free to ignore my corrections, or let me know so I can remove them.

I'm from Germany, and tend to capitalize words which i know get capitalized in German when i write out English text. I hate myself for it, but simply can't really seem to effectively stop it from happening. I always lost SO MANY points on my English tests and exams because of it. And yes, I know very well that this lame excuse is no excuse to capitalize stuff like this.

Welp, you've done a good job with this. I was pretty surprised to see that bit in the middle that's about 12 or so different possibilities of the same conversation. I mean, keep that up and you'll have a real beast of a character, if slightly underappreciated by people who stick with one character type.

Thanks. Really appreciate it.

So i guess the plan now is to write out that last bit of conversation i didn't get around to finishing a while earlier and fixing the whole PC talking written dialogue construction site, and hopefully keeping that style when I write new stuff.

 

[Couch]

First off, you've used a lot of points where the PC talks written dialogue. The general rule for stuff like that as far as I've seen from TiTS is generally write implied dialogue instead of specific dialogue, as in instead of writing ("Stop grabbing my cock," you say.), you write (You mention that he should remove his hand from your dick). I don't actually know if this is a rule as far as things go, but seems to be the norm. (Just noticed someone already brought that up at the beginning of the doc. Again, I don't actually know if  this is a rule, but you might want to look into it.)

This is only sometimes true.  The typical convention is to mostly use implied dialogue in non-sex scenes, but in sex scenes nearly all dialogue should be specific.  This is because implied dialogue isn't sexy.  And this is just a rule of thumb, there's plenty of times dialogue in a scene should be explicit.

 

[Kurble]

 First off, let me say that I love you for finding errors and giving me tips on how to improve the stuff I wrote. It's really kind of you. And secondly, i never really was that aware of the actual lack of regular humans in TiTS, but it's cool to see that i unknowingly started contributing to a lacking spot of content in TiTS.

 If it's the norm then by all means shall i abide by it. - I'll write out one last convo, then get my ass onto fixing what i already have.

I gotcha.

I figured that this was the case, but couldn't really figure what would be considered "normal" for a Character of whatever level. - I worked her down to Level 10. Lowered her Stats a little too.  

 Same here. - It certainly shouldn't turn out as simple as "Yes" or "No" though.

From what i have seen from you, i'd gladly take any thoughts you have and/or corrections you have on her. 

Acknowledged.

I'm from Germany, and tend to capitalize words which i know get capitalized in German when i write out English text. I hate myself for it, but simply can't really seem to effectively stop it from happening. I always lost SO MANY points on my English tests and exams because of it. And yes, I know very well that this lame excuse is no excuse to capitalize stuff like this.

Thanks. Really appreciate it.

So i guess the plan now is to write out that last bit of conversation i didn't get around to finishing a while earlier and fixing the whole PC talking written dialogue construction site, and hopefully keeping that style when I write new stuff.

Thanks for getting back. In retrospect (also thanks to 

This is only sometimes true.  The typical convention is to mostly use implied dialogue in non-sex scenes, but in sex scenes nearly all dialogue should be specific.  This is because implied dialogue isn't sexy.  And this is just a rule of thumb, there's plenty of times dialogue in a scene should be explicit.

for pointing out my mistake), I forgot to mention it's not a hard lock. There are exceptions in non-sex and sex scenes, usually with more in the latter. If you think it works better in the scene, you can probably go for it and rely on feedback.

But anyway, again kudos. If english isn't your first language or at least is influenced by former knowledge, the language you are doing is pretty great. Neato sir.

Anyways, I appreciate you changing or acknowledging the tips I gave; I'll be getting back to you on the more in-depth editing stuff. But anywho, good job so far and try to keep it up!