Alright, after reading your document I am almost sure that at its current state you won't be seing this scene being implemented any time soon.
The most obvious issue right now, as other people have noticed, are grammar mistakes. While they aren't numerous but they are there and I would consider to clean those up.
Moreover, you should add more detail into this scene because right now this is very light, for instance you fail to specify where is this all taking place (Kally's bedroom, Kiro's ship, PC's ship, where?). You could write in small blurbs like undressing or maybe utilising personalities of Kiro and/or Kally have undressing as some form of tease or foreplay. Such details could help you fill out the document.
Another possibility which you could put into consideration is to turn this scene into a dream sequence. This may help you open up to more ideas, as being a dream things don't have to make sense. Because right now Kiro feels out of character, a little down played. But a submissive, docile, Kiro could exist in a dream. Maybe you could even use this as a means to write in some sort of a weird location. But of course, this is for you to make the call.
Do keep in mind, that none of this is meant to discourage you. I do think this is a good idea and with a bit of effort from you it could end up added in the game. Good luck.
