Will the cat get out of the bag?

[Salomon]

Maybe I have stepped on a dark secret, maybe soon I will be visited by a certain green Imp with a Fedora hat (or a minotaur with chromatic horns, depending on the university we are in) armed with a silenced weapon, or maybe that is just yet another conspiracy theory among so many on this site! But here it goes:
River is actually Mallach in disguise!

Did anyone else think of that?

 

[Atomictaco]

While I can't find any reason to agree or disagree what evidence do you have to support that theory?

 

[WolframL]

You have learned a secret that you were not meant to know. Please wait and members of the Mallachite Inquisition will be along shortly to collect you and bring you to a hidden temple deep within Jassira where an army of lusty catgirls and catboys will fuck you until you die of exhaustion and the secret dies with you, but you'll die very very satisfied.

 

[Salomon]

my arguments to support this theory are as follows:

1) He's the most mysterious character we've seen in the game so far!

2) He is obviously much older than he looks, since according to what we see, he is at least as old as Garth!

3) When we cleaned up Fort Marrok, River confirmed that it was Jarl Gunvaldsen's medal simply because of the smell. HOW THE FUCK COULD HE KNOW THE SMELL OF SOMEONE WHO DIED MORE THAN 200 YEARS OLD? even though River was older than Garth, Jarl was just a ghost, and his body has already turned to dust for centuries!

4) When we ask him to change our names or titles, he does it instantly! Even if he were the best bard in all of Savarra, and had more informants in the Frost Marches than Varys and Littlefinger combined, he wouldn't have done it that fast!

5) When he was introduced, it was said that he could change his name by distorting time and space, changing everyone's memories!

6) While his avatar is a catboy, dark-haired and wielding a golden citole, being a "god", he can take on the shape he prefers, so it would make sense for him to let his hair turn white, thus, even though he keeps the beauty appearance, no one would suspect your age! I mean, look at this!

Do you seriously think that someone in a practically medieval world would be able to keep that perfect skin, close to 40, in a place like the Frost Marches? Even more considering that he is not an elf, kitsune or vampire!

 

[Salomon]

You have learned a secret that you were not meant to know. Please wait and members of the Mallachite Inquisition will be along shortly to collect you and bring you to a hidden temple deep within Jassira where an army of lusty catgirls and catboys will fuck you until you die of exhaustion and the secret dies with you, but you'll die very very satisfied.

to die in the middle of a gigantic orgy of excited kittens? If half of them are like Cait and Boomer, I think there are worse ways to die!

 

[sumgai]

Salomon, look at the codex for the Mercian (Mouse folk) race.

Read it carefully...

Now, about River: he's an agent of Mallach or Mallach himself. I don't think it's that far fetched.

 

[Salomon]

Salomon, look at the codex for the Mercian (Mouse folk) race.

Read it carefully...

Now, about River: he's an agent of Mallach or Mallach himself. I don't think it's that far fetched.

I admit the vitality Mecian could explain the part of River having aged better than Garth! because in the codes it says: "Lifespan: 75-85 years. Due in part to their uncanny vitality, some mecians may live for much longer periods."
But even if our musical cat had a gnawing ancestry (and I have to admit that it would be very funny, like, did the cat eat the mouse, or was it the opposite?) But otherwise, it is not the case, since the codex also says: "Mecians are not dominant breeders, and they have been recorded as having successful pregnancies with most known races. However, the child will always possess a feature of rodentia, be it the signature ears, the long tail, or both . " so unless he's hiding a rat's tail over his cloak, he's totally feline!

 

[Salomon]

everyone agrees that he has some connection to Mallach!
because let's admit it, it would be very coincidental to have an NPC with so many things in common with the god of passion and they are NOT related!

For Pit's sake, he is literally the coach of the Charmers, if he had eternal youth, a network of information that borders on omnipresence (and if my theory is right, it really IS), and still the biggest question of all is: HOW WOULD IT COULD KNOW THE SMELL OF A GUY WHO DIED AT GODSWAR ???

 

[Teiwaz]

Eh I just figured he was the result of a wraithtouched catgirl joining one of the normal orgies or something.

 

[Salomon]

Eh I just figured he was the result of a wraithtouched catgirl joining one of the normal orgies or something.

could you please explain?

 

[Teiwaz]

well you see when a cat boi or cat herm or cat trap..... WHATEVER takes his little barbed dingaling and sticks it a girl cats bingbing wahoo sometimes baby is formed
and unless the REDACTED decided to go on a massive high effort world wide genocide (that we know they did not because of things in the glacier) then chances are more then a few normal people had some void spunk in their souls(souls are stored in the balls) and if a void spunked cat was at cat slut orgies and did THE THING then maybe that babu would have some void gunk in his trunk from the void spunk :V

 

[Salomon]

well you see when a cat boi or cat herm or cat trap..... WHATEVER takes his little barbed dingaling and sticks it a girl cats bingbing wahoo sometimes baby is formed
and unless the REDACTED decided to go on a massive high effort world wide genocide (that we know they did not because of things in the glacier) then chances are more then a few normal people had some void spunk in their souls(souls are stored in the balls) and if a void spunked cat was at cat slut orgies and did THE THING then maybe that babu would have some void gunk in his trunk from the void spunk :V

In that case, wouldn't it be simpler to say that he IS a Godswar survivor, just like Carmen, Evergreen or Komari? Maybe something like a bakeneko!

 

[Teiwaz]

i was thinking he was the kid of someone tainted in the gods war and was born shortly after more then anything else
the way cait says he feels off and wrong is mostly why

 

[sumgai]

Salomon...

Spoiler

These are serious spoilers.

Spoiler

I'm not joking.

Spoiler

I hypothesize that the Godswar era Mercians KNEW that the Living Gods were Wraiths, and instructed their descendants accordingly. So I feel the cat is already out of their bag culturally.

River is obviously 'something', and TObs has teased in the Discord that he's more then what he appears to be. We'll see with further updates.

 

[Salomon]

Salomon...

Spoiler

These are serious spoilers.

Spoiler

I'm not joking.

Spoiler

I hypothesize that the Godswar era Mercians KNEW that the Living Gods were Wraiths, and instructed their descendants accordingly. So I feel the cat is already out of their bag culturally.

River is obviously 'something', and TObs has teased in the Discord that he's more then what he appears to be. We'll see with further updates.

 

[GEESE]

I was thinking he was keros :V

 

[Sifen]

I was thinking he was keros :V

you thought it was Mallach, but it was I, Keros!

 

[GEESE]

I mean, based on Kiyoko's stories about him, keros DOES have a history of milling around places disguised as nobodies obscured by cloaks :V

 

[Salomon]

it would be a possibility! but the interactions with him remain the same, even after we met the trickster in person, sold our soul to him and showed up at our wedding! if he were himself, he would be expected to give us a signal, a joke, a wink, anything!

 

[WolframL]

While I really don't think that River is Keros, I should point out that expecting a trickster god to act the way you expect him to act is a recipe for either hilarity or disaster, or possibly both.

 

[GEESE]

I can answer that easily. Writers aint got no time fo that.

 

[GraphiteCrow]

There is also the fact that if you introduce yourself to him with Cait he already knows her name which she finds slightly suspicious. It is explained away as him just finding out throughout the few days your character is unconscious but it could point to him knowing because he knows the name of all his followers.

 

[GEESE]

he's certainly a god of SOME sort, considering he has the power to alter the fabric of the universe in order to change your name :V