Thicc&Shake

Discussion in 'Event Submissions' started by Odaous, May 9, 2018.

  1. Odaous

    Odaous Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2017
    First attempt at writing anything on this scale. Not finished, but would like to some feedback of the do's and don'ts for this particular project. I keep hearing the "Well if you want it in the game, write it yourself". So I wanted to take a crack at it. I know it extremely amateurish, but hoping to get something useful and enlightening with this experience.

    Thicc&Shake Draft. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vWIx8VyS0sF4llEBO83ZUSdXTpqTLH52-12TOEhrzVU/edit?usp=sharing
     
  2. JinxBetwixt

    JinxBetwixt New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2018
    Normally don't log into the forums to comment on stuff. (Rarely log in to begin with)

    However, I was reading your doc and saw one of the application options was to use the item as part of a tease attack. From the lurking I've been doing, I heard that transformations normally can't affect combat unless it's really like interwined to the concept, like one of Amazona tea's perks. That perk was to help add to the Amazon theme of the item. In your item's case, it's simply a kinda more of a simple thing like a hip/ass increaser. I wouldn't be surprised if you're asked to remove the tease damage stuff.

    Or for it to just be ignoted...
     
  3. Odaous

    Odaous Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2017
    I was going with the idea since the batter effect last for an hour and the process to activate is movement with those particular areas might as well cause the scene to happen.
     
  4. noscope god

    noscope god Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2016
    this is genius
    you're very right about butts and hips being underappreciated in game and im glad to see a new tf.
    if its accepted, i hope to see it within a year.
     
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  5. Dark67titan

    Dark67titan Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2016
    Intreasting project you’ve got here, nice to see the games first hip TF
     
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  6. Odaous

    Odaous Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2017
    Thanks. We didnt have much so I just wanted to put something out there. I'm hoping I can get some more input so I can do this well.
     
  7. Jacques00

    Jacques00 Well-Known Member
    Moderator

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2015
    I like where this item is going. I am unsure if Dr. Badger would create a product that looks very commercialized though (as described in the item's description), so I would suggest toning that down a bit--the item can still be called by the same name though. Maybe have it labeled as being an experimental mod of some sort?

    As far as use, I like that the item's effects can be triggered after using a hip tease. For the "Shake" action, I would recommend lengthening the scene so it is more than just a paragraph, though with a few things in mind: characters who do not have vaginas (as it seems this item was written for complete females), the current location (public, private, hazard, etc.) vs the character's exhibitionism level, and possible considerations to tails (if the character has any). If the item wears out and hasn't been activated, there should also be a dud message to notify the character that the drug has expired.

    The overdose scene seems okay, but if the character is to gain any of the potential perks afterward, I would suggest that you include accompanying blurbs with them as well, just so the player knows exactly what perk was gained instead of it being completely random. Example:
    I am not too keen on the idea of limiting sex scenes based on the "Hips Don't Lie" perk though. Limiting sex scenes is a lot more complicated and would require editing every option for every single sexual encounter. I would recommend cutting this perk entirely or replacing its effects with a different idea.

    All that said, After you've completed your writing, I would highly recommend passing this off to some editors and other writers. I have spotted numerous grammatical, spelling and tense errors in the writing so far, so a few revision passes should help better the quality in that area.

    Best of luck on the rest of the writing!
     
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  8. Odaous

    Odaous Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2017
    Thank you very much. I'll go over the syntax rules again. I had a bit of poor understanding of it so hearing this can allow me to clean this up.
     
  9. noscope god

    noscope god Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2016
    i would make a perk that locks your hip size, basically like butt slut but with hips.
    or a perk that increases hip/butt tease damage
     
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  10. PalletTown

    PalletTown Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2015
    Really like the item so far. I concur. I was about to make a similar suggestion for the perk.
     
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  11. Odaous

    Odaous Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2017
    OK, updated the item. Still know there a lot of errors, but hopefully, this feels a bit more complete than before. Of course, any critiques would be helpful. Also despite how short I feel this is and how amateurish it is done. I have a way better understanding the effort that the Fenn and friends go through. You have my utmost respect my doods and thanks for the years of content.
     
  12. noscope god

    noscope god Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2016
    "Perk Gained: Hips don't Lie</b> -Your hip and ass dont quit nor will they. Being any less fecund is an empty existence and your body will make keep you the fertile goddess you were meant to be."
    well at this point whats the point of having the buttslut perk? i still recommend it for just the hips.

    "If Hip and Ass are at 35 gain the “Hips don’t Lie”
    considering this item cannot take you above 20 i think this is a lot (and 35 is horrifically huge)
     
  13. PalletTown

    PalletTown Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2015
    Overdose goes over 35 and 35 isn't big enough.
     
  14. noscope god

    noscope god Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2016
    "When Overdosing(Activating the effect three times when both Hip and Ass are maxed out. Codex will warn PC when abusing nanomachines.)

    1. Each use causes you to gain 5 in both Hip and Ass."
    wouldnt this mean you would have to overdose 3 times?
    you have to activate the effect 3 times to overdose, you only gain 5 on overdose, meaning you would have to overdose 3 times. so you would have to use the item 9 times after you already reach 20? at that point nothing will be able to lower it significantly enough to change it anyway

    i remember how after butt slut came out everyone thought 20 was too big because of the descriptors being "freakish" etc
    https://forum.fenoxo.com/threads/buttslutinator-locks-butt-size.5282/
    after that they lowered the butt slut perks forced size to 18. all im saying is, 35 is just waaay too much (especially since it does the same thing+ something else)
     
  15. Odaous

    Odaous Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2017
    Yeah I could change the wording on that. Though I do want it to work after the overdose. Also you could still not get buttslut and still get this perk. Also since the game is about freedom of choice, you kinda have to want to get this big. If you are allowed to get Jaq style boobs(Love the guy but I get there point.) and or yard size dick and balls. Why not have world-shaking hips?
     
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  16. Odaous

    Odaous Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2017
    Oh does anyone know the proper way to find editors for this? I know it is preferred before trying to official submitting this.