[Submitted] The Crash Landing: an Underground Milk Bar - Version 1.0: Complete

Discussion in 'Event Submissions' started by Slab Bulkhead, Mar 19, 2020.

  1. Slab Bulkhead

    Slab Bulkhead Well-Known Member
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    Enjoying your time on Dhaal, but wanting to get away from the all-seeing eyes of the corporate overlords? Is sucking a corporate cow's tit feeling a little too much like a bad metaphor? If you're willing to head underground and deal with a little chaos and some improvised construction, I might have your new favorite dive bar.

    https://docs.google.com/document/d/115TN7WfiDgJ_LRWM9R-y48ZaDmm7boP3eZxWbvRAydo/edit?usp=sharing

    The Crash Landing is a new place on Dhaal, an underground milk bar run by some former space pirates. It's a place to drink, dance, play bar games, and of course fuck the former space pirates. The bar serves creme liquor on one side and milk from the tap on the other, because nobody would know this was one of my projects if I didn't put in a cowgirl. :p

    This thing is still kind of bare-bones, but I've been talking about it on the Discord for a long time, and I finally got enough done to share. The writing's been going well and quickly, so hopefully this project won't have any months-long delays like some of my others have.

    I'm eager for feedback, so let me know what you think about the place and the girls. Thanks for reading.
     
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  2. Slab Bulkhead

    Slab Bulkhead Well-Known Member
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    Updated to Version 0.2. All of Josie's chat content is in, which includes her backstory and how she became a space pirate.

    Spoiler alert, it's pretty much this:
    [​IMG]

    Josie's content includes getting milk from her - not just getting a shot, but drinking it right from the tap. Now, lactation isn't my thing, but I had to do this because it's Dhaal. :D I think I did it pretty well, but I know we've got some lactation fans here, so if I could get some feedback on making the milky stuff hotter, that would be great.

    Next update will probably be either Kiki or Karrah, not sure yet. Hope you enjoy this one, feedback's always welcome.
     
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  3. SeriousBlueJewel

    SeriousBlueJewel Well-Known Member

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    Here is an idea give Kiki a condom so she fucks your puss
     
  4. Slab Bulkhead

    Slab Bulkhead Well-Known Member
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    Updated to version 0.3. All of Kiki's talk content is in, along with pool, which includes the first full Silly Mode scene I've ever written. As promised, a drunk Kiki will play the whole game using her dick as the cue. :D

    Kiki has actually been through a complete revision. I got some really good advice from the writers on the Fenchat Discord, who pointed out that her character concept didn't really work - there's no way she'd have unwanted mods, not in a world like this, not with them so easy to get rid of. So I rewrote her background and most of the dialogue I'd done. Kiki's now more of a playful hacker and tech geek, who'll gladly share some stories of her time as a space pirate and nerd out with you about the ship she used to work on.

    And she's a lot more eager to fuck, which is always good.

    Also, I took out the darts game, which I wasn't sure how to write well and would have introduced a nameless zaika girl for no other reason. But I'm replacing it with getting to armwrestle Karrah. Pretty sure some people will be into that.

    Next update will probably be Karrah. Hope everyone likes this, feedback is welcome as always.
     
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    #4 Slab Bulkhead, Apr 7, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2020
  5. Slab Bulkhead

    Slab Bulkhead Well-Known Member
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    Updated to version 0.4. All of Karrah's talk content is in, including armwrestling. She turned out a little different than I thought she would, and I tried to give her some depth and backstory, to make her more than just another thraggen to fight and/or fuck.

    Fighting and fucking are still things you can do with her, but there's plenty to talk about too.

    Next update should be Monika.
     
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  6. TheShepard256

    TheShepard256 Well-Known Member

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    Sep 21, 2019
    Actually not true, mostly. Of all the thraggen in the game, Steele can only fight two (Khorgan and Agrosh), both of whom sexually enslave rather than kill Steele upon loss: Khorgan explicitly states she intends this before the second phase of her fight, though in Agrosh's case what he intends to do is unknown until after losing, so Steele mistakenly thinking he's going to kill them is reasonable. They're also both technically optional encounters, so it's possible to reach Karrah without fighting a single thraggen at all.
    Other thraggen in-game include an Extrameet hookup on New Texas (who Steele can have a little talk to, though it's just a prelude to sex), an attendee of the Tavros Peacekeeper Christmas party, one of Anno's bar hookups, and the Bucking Bronco's piano player (who I'm pretty sure was intended to be interactable), none of whom show any aggression towards anyone. It's really only the "because they were trying to kill you" part that I think is the problem; I think cutting that and editing the following paragraph to match would make the scene much more accurate to the game's events.

    On a different, but also continuity-related, note:
    Karrah mentions that she became a pirate 7-8 years ago in a gabilani space station. The gabilani were only discovered as part of the 14th Planet Rush, so Karrah wouldn't have been able to visit one of their space stations years before the Rush even started.
    And before anyone says that Tamani is a gabilani and thus they must have been in the UGC prior to the 14th Planet Rush: I can't actually find any in-game reference to Tamani's race, other than the Dong Designer malfunction scene calling her an elf-girl at one point, so I think people calling her a gabilani is more of a reference to CoC's Tamani than actual fact.
     
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  7. Slab Bulkhead

    Slab Bulkhead Well-Known Member
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    Thanks for the correction. :D The only other thraggen I knew about were Khorgan and Argosh, as the others aren't listed in the wiki and I haven't met any of them whenever I've played, except for the one at the Bucking Bronco, and I just forgot about him. I'll make some changes to that line. Though I will say that Khorgan isn't an optional encounter - you need to fight her to get the bomb code to complete Tarkus and get to the next planet. But that's just me being nitpicky. :p

    As for the gabilani thing, that's no big deal to change - I was making that up as I went along and a space station made of asteroids bolted together seemed like it would fit gabilani, so I went with it. But I'll change that line so it's not impossible.
     
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  8. TheShepard256

    TheShepard256 Well-Known Member

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    Actually, Tam is the only necessary encounter in the Stellar Tether; after she's beaten, Steele can leave any time before the bomb explodes, allowing the possibility to avoid Khorgan and/or Kaska. Avoiding Khorgan means missing out on the Platinum-190, and dooming Tarkus to destruction if Kaska is beaten, but the fact that it's possible at all means she's technically optional.
     
  9. Slab Bulkhead

    Slab Bulkhead Well-Known Member
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    Interesting. I had no idea it worked like that, because it makes zero sense to me to head down there and then leave. /shrug Got to account for the player pulling something unexpected, I guess. But I fixed the dialogue, so no worries there.
     
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  10. Slab Bulkhead

    Slab Bulkhead Well-Known Member
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    Updated to version 0.5. All of Monika's talk and drink stuff is in, along with the pre-sex scene. This means all the crew's conversations are in. :D Doc's up to 138 pages, which feels like a shitload.

    With all the talking done, let me know if anyone spots any continuity errors. I don't mean two of the crew describing what happened in somewhat different ways, because everybody sees and remembers stuff differently. I mean that if one person says something definite happened one way and someone else says it happened another way, let me know so I can make sure the facts are straight.

    Now, all that's left to write is a whole fuckton of sex. And dancing.
     
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  11. Reaper113

    Reaper113 Well-Known Member

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    Can't wait all of them are interesting characters!!! :yes:
     
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  12. TheShepard256

    TheShepard256 Well-Known Member

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    I found a few errors in Monika's Herself scene:
    • You forgot to put "You ask" at the start.
    • The kaithrit homeworld is Rosha, not Roshar.
    • Victor Steele has definitely been to Earth/Terra; it's the location character creation is set in, and several other scenes (Aina's Botany talk, Shade's Christmas event and likely others) confirm that the PC grew up there.
     
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  13. Slab Bulkhead

    Slab Bulkhead Well-Known Member
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    Thanks for catching those. :D I haven't played through character creation in forever, and I swear, I was saying "Rosha" in my head with some kind of accent so it came out "Roshar". But it's all fixed now.
     
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  14. Slab Bulkhead

    Slab Bulkhead Well-Known Member
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    Version 0.69 now done, with Kiki and Josie's sex scenes done. :D

    Nothing too complicated on either of them - for Kiki, you can swap oral (you blow her first), fuck her ass, or take it up the ass, all with branching scenes. Josie also has an oral scene (she goes first) and a dick-required sex scene, also with branching scenes. Josie will also pull you to her room and give you an edging blowjob/titfuck if she smells that you've got blue balls, which I'm sure will make some people happy.

    Would appreciate any feedback on these. I haven't written sex since December, and they still feel a little shaky to me. Plus I need to add in reactions from your genitals when Kiki fucks you in the ass, which I didn't realize I'd completely skipped until tonight. :eek: But that's a problem for later.

    Hope everyone likes these, and thanks for reading as always.
     
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  15. Slab Bulkhead

    Slab Bulkhead Well-Known Member
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    Updated to version 0.9, with Monika and Karrah's sex scenes done. Fuck yeah.

    Also: how the hell is this thing 99K words long? Seriously, WTF. :eek:

    Last up is just some work on the characters' descriptions, a few basic "goodbye" scenes, and one massive edit of the whole damn thing. In theory, the dance scene is also up, but I dunno if I'm going to do that. I've tried writing out some stuff and scrapped it every time - writing people dancing is actually pretty damn boring. I'll see if I can find a way to make it work, but if not, I'll scrap it, because I'm not keeping it in if it's crap. Sorry to anyone who was looking forward to that.

    I've told Fenoxo that I'll have this thing done by the end of the month. Only nine days left. I got this. :cool:
     
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  16. Slab Bulkhead

    Slab Bulkhead Well-Known Member
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    Holy shit, it's done. Look at me, getting a massive TiTS project done in less than three months. :D Seriously, this is less than 100 words sort of 100K. It's a fucking novel. With extra fucking.

    Anyway! Last major edit fixed a shitload of small stuff that nobody but me will ever notice. I also added in all the artist notes, including references if you need some more porn to look at. :p

    Not much else to say, just glad to get this thing in the bag. Hope you all like it.
     
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  17. null_blank

    null_blank Well-Known Member

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    Oct 29, 2015
    Just write "butts" 100 times.
     
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