Corrupted Lupine bad ends
I made a bad end involving the corrupted lupines. I thought their treatment of the champ was too good to give up so easily, so I made a bad end!
[Submitted] Corrupted Lupine bad end
- Thread starter Reathe
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I made a bad end involving the corrupted lupines. I thought their treatment of the champ was too good to give up so easily, so I made a bad end!
So, I made some spelling/grammar comments in the first part of the doc and I'll look at the rest later (I like the idea of companion-specific variations) but there's something in the parser at the end of the first scene that I thought would be better to mention here.
The nested parsers caught my attention, so I decided to drop it into the tester to see if it worked and there's something broken in the way you've got things nested. My Parser Fu isn't good enough to figure out how to fix it with the tags you've used, but I did find out a way to accomplish the same thing. The top is the scene as written (you can see it's not working right for a Vagchamp, it also doesn't parse out right for Hermchamps) and my revision is on the bottom. I tested it with a bunch of saves (cock, vag with/without Buttslut, both with/without Buttslut) and they all worked.
Apparently, the parser tester was at fault not your writing; the way I was using it doesn't handle nested parsers well. So feel free to ignore the above, which was entirely my bad.
EDIT:
Went over the rest of it and, um, there were a lot of sentences that really should be looked at, because they're incomplete or are repetetive. For a few examples:
The idea here is good. Like I said, a bad end that has different scenes for your companions is a nice bit of extra effort and 'getting knotted to oblivion by a pack of lupines' is a niche that's bound to appeal to people (based on Jstar's poll, a fair number of people want moar lupines! in the future) so there's nothing wrong with the concept. It could just use an additional editing pass or two to flow better.
Apparently, the parser tester was at fault not your writing; the way I was using it doesn't handle nested parsers well. So feel free to ignore the above, which was entirely my bad.
EDIT:
Went over the rest of it and, um, there were a lot of sentences that really should be looked at, because they're incomplete or are repetetive. For a few examples:
The first usage makes the second use of slaves redundant. You could shorten it to 'worthy to serve him' and the sentence would flow much better.
The second and third sentences here are conveying the same idea and really should be combined, because right now they're not technically incomplete but they're very clipped and not in a way that builds tension. You could for example say 'Chained and collared as she is, Arona is struggling to take all three of the lupines'.
This on the other hand is an incomplete sentence. When he whistles at them... what? I assume you meant something like 'It's not until Master Refnir whistles at them that they hurry up and finish'.
These two sentences express the same idea and would flow better if they were a single sentence. For example 'There's no light coming from her body, the runes covering her being dulled by the layers of cum' or words to that effect.
The idea here is good. Like I said, a bad end that has different scenes for your companions is a nice bit of extra effort and 'getting knotted to oblivion by a pack of lupines' is a niche that's bound to appeal to people (based on Jstar's poll, a fair number of people want moar lupines! in the future) so there's nothing wrong with the concept. It could just use an additional editing pass or two to flow better.
Last edited:
ratings for factoring in companion variation, two thumbs up!Corrupted Lupine bad ends
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I made a bad end involving the corrupted lupines. I thought their treatment of the champ was too good to give up so easily, so I made a bad end!