Life Advice

Discussion in 'General Bullshit' started by Kokayi005, Apr 15, 2019 at 6:25 AM.

  1. Kokayi005

    Kokayi005 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Monday
    I need advice. I'm scared that my issue aren't being resolved just through me toughing it out and trying to move pass them.
    I was here before a couple of years ago.
    Back then I play CoC and TitS and then stopped. I didn't fully remember why I stopped so I rejoined the games and found out about the new one, the sequel for CoC. I've playing all 3 now, started new characters for each and thought I would kill time and get back into it. But then I started remembering why I left.

    I'm not sure what's wrong with me but when I read through the game get a sinking feeling the more I play it. Like this is it for me. This is all I'll ever have. Just a game when it comes to successful relationship and so-called "growing up." I'm 34 years old and a virgin man. I just don't have any good relationship stories. And I always thought as long as I tried hard and kept at it I'd finally make one work. But like finding a job I like, it never happens.

    I'm sure everyone plays the game and never take much of any of them seriously. But I do. I feel like crap when I mess up even if I reload the game and try to keep the characters from getting humiliated and raped or used. It often hits too close to home. I've been bullied and humiliated by so-called "friends" and foes alike. And because of it I've never been one to be confident in being naked or flirting or sex. All I think about is what could go wrong. What has gone wrong. And what way to avoid them. And it's not just with sex and relationships, either. It's the same reason I don't want to grunt and sweat at the gym around people.

    What is I get nervous and vomit on her.
    What if I pass gas during sex.
    What if I go limp because I don't like blow jobs.
    What if I'm terrible and she tell everyone.

    No matter what I do I can't shake these thought. And as I play CoC, TitS, and CoC2 I get the feeling I can't only be turned on when I alone and seeing something as long to perfect as possible. What if I hate myself so much that the idea of woman with pimples, or bowl movements, or STDs or being mock can only be tabled when I can disassociate from it by the act of sex happening to a fictional character that will never be written to humiliate themselves in huge way.

    I wanted to hear what my fellow peers think.
    I would think here at least I could get all this off my chest with someone just hand-waving it and say "go get help, loser".
     
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  2. Koshka

    Koshka Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2015
    1. Let her be on top
    2. Don't fret, it happens
    3. Do it without a blowjob
    4. Then she's a bitch

    And if seriously: from the way you putting that, it sounds like... how to say it... you want to "be yourself" in a group of people who are very different from you. But do you really need that? You're afraid that people would turn you down and would laugh at you for your honesty, but in the same time you considering yourself inferior to them. But question is - would you laugh and insult somebody for their honesty? I don't know you, but from the way you're speak, I'd say that you wouldn't (because you know how difficult it is to go open about your true feelings). So, the real question - why do you consider yourself inferior to people who would laugh at other people honesty? There are all kinds of people exists in this world - some are moral freaks, who would get off from other people suffering; others are poseurs, who'd rather forget themselves than being an outcast in their group; some are don't give a shit about anyone but themselves; and some are honest people who are trying to be humans (as far as they can). So, if in short - you should chose your friends carefully, get to know them better before going all-out open about yourself, and be more resistant to other people criticism - because regardless of how perfect or unperfect you are, there's ALWAYS gonna be somebody who would hate you, somebody who would envy you, and somebody who would look at you with disdain. So why would you care about them at all? But also don't forget that just like there's always somebody who's negative about you, there's also always somebody who would accept you for who you are. Damn, even pedophiles have friends, who accept them for who they are (even if they're other pedophiles), and they are, like, worse people ever.

    Well, don't know how helpful my speech was (and after re-reading it kind of looks like a "toughen up!" speech), but that's how I feel about that (speaking as someone who has been an asshole, a poseur, then an outcast, and finally became someone who's trying to be a human).
    And sorry for my english, such long essays are not my thing.
     
  3. Kokayi005

    Kokayi005 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Monday
    Solid point. My biggest failing was probably being to desperate for affection. So much so that I was to eager to be around women that I knew deep down I didn't know or trust or like. I guess the same could be said for times I've tried to hard to be a party animal or a cool funny class clown to get friends.

    I get what you're saying. I thought of myself as tough. Because I suffered that bullying in that past and didn't change who I was for them. But I guess I did kind of change. I gave up and stop thinking it was worth it to exercise and attempt to meet women.

    I'be heard you have to love yourself before you can love others and they can love you. I always love who I was personality wise . But I just have to work accept the embarrassment that sometimes goes with the human body.
     
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    #3 Kokayi005, Apr 15, 2019 at 12:22 PM
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2019 at 1:51 AM
  4. Violent_Peace

    Violent_Peace Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2015
    No offense, but I believe you may need some professional help from people who aren't on a fourm.

    I don't say this to handwaved your problems away or just get you away from the fourms, but I truly believe with some professional help you can truely over come your problems and really begin to love yourself.

    You'd be surprised with how a face to face conversation with someone else can help sometimes and gives the confidence boost you need to make it through the day.
     
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  5. Kokayi005

    Kokayi005 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Monday
    I don't know if I could speak out loud about this to another person. I've always had a fear of humiliation and being shamed. Psychological help would end up being shameful too. Especially if I had to say out loud that I worry about vomiting and passing gas and being mocked behind my back as reasons for being a virgin at 34. But I guess the point is, nothing I've done up till now is helping me. If I don't do come clinical help, I'm gonna die a self-hating virgin who can only fap to anime art.
     
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  6. Violent_Peace

    Violent_Peace Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2015
    The journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step. I know you maybe scared but professionals won't share it with others, won't tell it out to people, and probably heard of people in weirder situations that the one you have.

    And if you don't feel comfortable saying it, there are some that are willing to work with you in different ways.
     
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  7. Kokayi005

    Kokayi005 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Monday
    At this point I have nothing to lose. Being stubborn and hoping being brave and powering thru hasn't worked.
    Maybe fixing my body up with tons of gym time might help. But I would still need professional help for the past traumas. I've heard there are a few free psychologist that would work with me too. Maybe I should even talk to my father.
     
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  8. TheAnnoyingNoob

    TheAnnoyingNoob Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2015
    I was seeing a therapist a few years back when I was in high school. I was skeptical at first (still am somewhat), but having someone to talk to about anything really can help a lot. Are you stressed about anything else? If you can find less embarrassing things to start out with and gradually build up to what you mentioned here once you get to know your therapist that might work. I also wouldn’t give up if you don’t “click” with your therapist after a few sessions, just thank them for their service and try someone else.
     
  9. Violent_Peace

    Violent_Peace Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2015
    I'm also kinda trying to tell you to find some professional help, because your asking for Life advice on a fourm for a text based porn game. Not really trying to tell you to go away or anything like I said.

    But I don't think this is the perfect place to ask for such advice.
     
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  10. Slab Bulkhead

    Slab Bulkhead Well-Known Member
    Creator

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2015
    Seconding the suggestion of getting therapy. I've been in therapy for almost three years, and it's helped me tremendously. I know that you're nervous about talking to another person about this stuff, face-to-face and all that, but here's some things to think about:

    1. What happens in therapy, stays in therapy. Dead serious here. A professional therapist will not share what you tell them with anyone without your permission. There are minor exceptions to this, like if they need to share something with another medical professional, but that's probably going to be the result of discussions you have with a therapist. And anything they share is going to be like "A client of mine" followed by a general description of the issues for discusison and not "This guy [your name here]" followed by casually chatting about your life. So whatever you need to share, you're safe to share it with them. I mean, my therapist is the only person I know IRL who knows that I write porn as a hobby, because I knew I could trust her with that.

    2. A therapist not only knows how to listen (it's their job), but knows how to talk to you about what you're going through. Sharing your problems with randoms on the internet might get you a little good advice. Sharing your problems with a therapist will help you deal with those problems and even solve them. A therapist has been taught and trained in helping people get better and teaching them how to cope with their issues. Again, it's their job.

    3. You're not going to surprise a therapist, and they're not going to judge you. (Okay, they might judge you if they're an asshole, but then you find another therapist.) No matter what your issues are, they've either had a patient with similar problems or they know someone who has and can consult with them. The problems that you've described here? They're not uncommon. So there are many ways a therapist could work with you to help you get through them.

    Good luck, and I hope you can find a way to deal with everything and get through it.
     
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  11. Kokayi005

    Kokayi005 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Monday
    @TheAnnoyingNoob
    It's just being naked with women. And worrying about humiliating myself. People have mocked me my whole life and it just took it's toll. I gravitated to hentai and erotic audio once I saw that I was gonna be alone for a long time. I have two chances at sex. One, I ruined because I didn't like the girl I was with and was worry at her sudden 180 she pulled saying she wanted to fuck me. So I smelled a rat. To this day I still don't know what that was about, but after a awkward terrible 40 minutes of foreplay I left because neither of us had a condom. And the second time, was a girl who liked black guys and I was the new guy at the job and she invited me over expecting me to just hop to it and be some Adonis in bed as she blasts Pussy Cat Dolls. I'm a virgin. I don't know what I'm doing. And no one, not even my father or older brother is gonna tell me. So I just sat there and waited for her to take the lead. And she never did. So she eventually sent me on my way. I just feel like the more years that pass the more it's really gonna become the 40 yr old Virgin. SMH That fear leads me to just want to say fuck it. But I don't like fapping and I know I don't want to do it for the rest of my life. But sadly even after consoling from a professional, that might still be how I end up.

    @Violent_Peace
    It's easier to talk to people here about fap and sex than anyone else. Who better to understand me than people who all share my same fetishes for the most part. We all play CoC, CoC2 or TITS. So no one would be shocked if I spoke about hentai or futa or cuddling googirls. I'm not a typical nerds in all respects, but I'm self aware enough to know that I'm not gonna be able to discuss with people IRL. Especially when I'm not stacked in the friend or charm department.

    @Slab Bulkhead
    I guess a middle ground might be to set up a session with talking to a therapist over the phone. I just don't know what I would do talking to one face to face and having to say stuff like futa or catgirl. It'd be like talking about PokeMon to a college professor. But if face to face would help me take their words to heart better and see their face so I know their not phoning it in, then I'd just have to deal.
     
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  12. ShySquare

    ShySquare Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 3, 2015
    Just wanted to say that there's literally nothing wrong or shameful about being a virgin or not wanting to have sex, or sexual/romantic relationships.
    Even at 40, 50, 70, 100 years old.
     
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  13. Kokayi005

    Kokayi005 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Monday
    Maybe not. But I want to have sex. I just can't get past some hang ups. Like being humiliated, humiliating myself, or being paranoid that the person can't be trusted. I know I don't have to have sex, but I want to have some and more than once before I die.
     
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  14. Stemwinder

    Stemwinder Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2018
    A therapist would be a good fit for those problems. Everyone worries over whether a therapist could help them, how they might be judged for seeing one, and it is true that they might not be able to help with everything - questions of purpose are probably the worst to address to a therapist - but self-esteem and socialization issues are right up their alley.

    This fear of being humiliated is just an issue of not having a strong base on which to prop your self-esteem. One can very easily feel inadequate in just about every area if they feel others don't think they're masculine or feminine enough, that they're not interesting enough, good-looking enough, funny enough to be worth their time. And that's how people feel under a brand of inadequacy: that everyone else is normal and they're just stunted and undesirable and they have no idea how to fix it. I'm not American so I can only judge this based on media and such but that could hit a black person especially hard. The stereotype is that you're supposed to be confident and masculine and virile by default and not living up to that standard, and even being bullied for not hitting it, can make you withdrawn and afraid to interact with anyone.

    In therapy you can practice socializing, learn the sorts of cues that people give off and how to talk to people in different ways, and work through all those feelings of emasculation and inadequacy. You've internalized so much shame, it's just a matter of breaking through all of it and combating the sort of negativity it's instilled in you that leaves you so scared to take any risks.
     
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  15. Kokayi005

    Kokayi005 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Monday
    @Stemwinder
    You're pretty much right about how it is in my neighborhood. It's mostly my fellow black people and if others races are there, they're latino or white and they're college students. Parties all the time. Lots of bragging about cheating on their b/fs or g/fs. Plenty of debauchery and hedonism. Which is why I hate it so much. It's the kind of people US is known for. Live fast, die young types who give no fucks about anyone. The kind of people who mock you the second you enter a house party. So I stopped going. I stayed in my house and got chubby. Not fat-fat but chubby. Just games and drawing and comics. So no one cares about my life. It's not cars and women so I'm not cool like them.

    Yeah I know back in the 70s and 60s people wrote you off if they knew you went to a shrink. It was like having a sign that said you were crazy. But I'm more scared to go because as a kid when I cried a lot in 4th and 5th grade I had early signs of lacking emotional control and feeling too much of my emotions. Sadness was depression. Anger was pure wrath. Lose a kickball game, "what's the point? Hard work never pays off? We gave everything and still lost." Exact thoughts. So I don't want to go back down that rabbit hole. I want to tackle moving forward and meeting a woman I can like and is attracted to me as an artist or a friend and then next thing we know, it's cuddling and Netflix. But I feel like the shrink will just say there's so many layers that it isn't something that will be fixed. That I'm gonna just have to live with it. That's a point of no return for me. To just accept being alone with no lover at all. I'm a romantic inside. But I'm so fucking awkward, no one will ever find out that about me.

    In this day and age people don't see to mind shrinks but when I go see one It's gonna be rough.
     
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