Funny text

Discussion in 'Trials in Tainted Space' started by sumgai, May 10, 2018.

  1. sumgai

    sumgai Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2017
    I imagine that most everyone here is for the smut, but there's some gems of humor to be found among the spunk (along with other things). Here's some that made me crack a smile or laugh out loud. If you found some more funny text you liked in TiTS, please share so I don't feel like a weirdo!



    Items
    ---------
    Trench Shotgun
    ---
    It took you this long to find a goddamn shotgun? It's pretty rudimentary in design, just a quick and easy breech that you can thumb a pair of shells into. The real quality is what you want to load into it - with a thick gauge, as long as you have enough time to prepare, this'll put the hurt on anything. Just... do it slowly, sausagefingers.

    Nonesuch
    ---------

    Breedwell Centre on taurs
    ---
    One of the disclaimers from the ad did stick with you: "Tauric beings not supported". Gobsmacking discrmination really.

    Shower Fivesome with Carrie, Cora, Horisha and Peck
    ---
    The moment he takes his tight clothes off, displaying an ass as pert, cute and provoking as his features, you’re on top of him, sliding your phallus between his pale cheeks, letting one hand trail down his flat front and the other firmly clutch his thick, eight-inch horse dick. He whimpers but doesn’t pull away, simply shifts his soft buttocks up your water-slicked shaft and looks over his shoulder at you with a butter-wouldn’t-melt expression. Pulse thudding in your temple, you push him against the enamel wall of the shower and use it as stanchion to inexorably open his pink fuck-hole with your crown and push your dripping cock into the tight, hot tunnel of his ass, intent on reshaping it in your own throbbing, dominant dick’s image. His breathy little gasps, little tenses of the muscles and his slim fingers grasping at your boyish sides spur you on. Behind you, Horisha hums her musical approval of your gross manhandling of her piece of candy.

    Carrie and Cora bad end
    ---
    Of course, after a short while, T himself visits and almost apologetically brings up the fact that in order to live here, you have to get Treated. No biggie. You’ve been here long enough, rubbing shoulders and sleeping with the Treated for so long, you practically feel like one anyway. You apply the medpen yourself, and the vague worry that you might become a sissy fauxcow is quickly washed away in the glorious, muscular, horned glory of becoming a bull. Void, did manual labor feel good before? You had NO idea.

    Peg me, Tamani!
    ---
    “How do you like it, xxx?” exclaims the pink, punky toon with a slightly manic edge, thrusting her wide hips into you all the while. “Nice and slow? Tender and meaningful? Well, too bad - your Tamani’s piece of ass right now, and Tamani likes doing it hard!”

    Sera messes with your shit
    ---
    “You got some pretty neat shit tucked away on here, don’t you master?” observes Sera. She’s lying back on her bunk and gazing at the ceiling, but the facade of insouciance is spoiled somewhat by the big, vindictive smirk on her face. “Such a rich brat thing - acquire stuff because you wannit wannit wannit daddy I’m gonna scweam, then once you do you stick it away in a closet, never to see the light of day again.” She rolls onto her side, laughing reptilian eyes meeting yours. “At least until you get a toy that can play with all your other toys.”

    Sera goes for a joyride
    ---
    “Woooo!” Sera saunters down the landing ramp, bottle of wine in hand. “That auto-pilot of yours - took a bit of persuading, but it knew how to have a good time eventually. The rings ‘n asteroid belts in this system!” She opens up her arms and blows out of her cheeks. The wine sloshes dangerously. “Fucking cool! I’m not interested in space cos I’m not, you know, a nerd, but woooow!” She takes a pull from the bottle, her brow furrowing when she catches your expression. “Got a problem? Face on you like a bag of smashed dicks.” She gestures at the ship, almost falling over as she does. “‘S aaall yours now. Lead the way, cap’n!”

    Sera out on a walk, meets Steele's cousin
    ---
    “You! - what are you doing?”

    Your cousin, slim and sharply dressed, is standing in the middle of the Residential thoroughfare, staring at you - or more specifically slightly beyond you, at the individual on the end of your leash. It’s a slight shock to see her in a setting where you don’t want to kill her, but you immediately decide to style it out.

    “Taking one of my bitches for a walk. Say hello to my cousin, Sera.”

    “Hi,” mutters Sera, staring at the ground.

    “I’ve been collecting them,” you tell Jill. You crook your eyebrow at her. “Why, you interested?”

    “No! God no.” Jill is still staring at Sera, expression frozen, foot tapping impulsively; her usual snap and sting are completely absent. “Well! I suppose I should get back out to the frontier. Seems you’ve basically thrown in the towel, if this is how you’re wasting your time.”

    “What are you doing here?” you inquire.

    “Nothing! None of your business!” she strides away without another word. She can’t stop herself shooting a couple of glances back over her shoulder at the pair of you, though.

    Hand So Misch
    ---
    “What I have found about you on the extranet and my biometric scan both agree that you are a sentient who is... unpredictable,” the AI says eventually, a hint of amusement in her calm tones as she gazes down at you. “Why should I trust you?”

    “Because it’ll be fun,” you say, grinning back irascibly. There’s a long pause. “Oh c’mon So, you aren’t a military computer! You must have considered how much of your memory is going to be spent on logistics and strategy and dull shit like that if you do the taking over the galaxy thing. Boooooring. Dump it and come with me. It’ll be much more fun.”

    ----------
    Adjatha
    ----------

    Pexiga Facefuck
    ---
    Somehow, you doubt Yammi would appreciate you turning the kitchen into xxx’s personal fuck flat, but it’s a thought.


    Huge cum bubble used in combat
    ---
    Hefting the massive cum tank with both hands, you begin swinging it back and forth, using your tiny hips to add weight to your sweeps. As you prepare to toss the pressurized sphere, you twist toward your target, stepping forward as you release the orb. The enormous jizz bubble soars with hypnotic grace, its elastic sheath blobbing and deforming from the force of your pitch.

    When the torso-sized orb hits its mark, the over-pressurized latex covering disintegrates with an echoing pop. The full weight of your mammoth load detonates all over the place in one, white instant. Your target is bathed in the thick cream, the force of impact enough to knock a man clear off his feet. The deluge of seed is so excessive, it’s almost as if someone had just upturned a bathtub full of spunk. (L: -2)

    There’s so much cum that the male milodan is tripped!

    ----------
    NightTrap
    ----------

    Ciaran jokes
    ---
    “What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.”

    “I once tried this tropical fruit diet, but I didn’t last long on it. It was enough to make a mango crazy!”

    “What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.”

    “Did you hear about the restaurant on the asteroid? Great food, no atmosphere.”

    ----------
    HugsAlright
    ----------

    Syri HLFrot and fuck
    ---

    “A strapon, huh?” the she-wolf chimes in, “I used to be a god with one of those back in the marines, never a quiet moment in the ladies barracks when I was around.” Syri gives you a little “Hmph” before bringing her hands behind her head and leaning back, looking quite relaxed, and quite bored, “I bet you barely even know how to handle one of those things.”


    ----------
    Savin
    ----------

    Flahne bent over and full of cum
    ---
    “Oh my God, I’ve never been so full!” Flahne marvels. She looks like she wants to prance over and hug you, but she’s absorbed so much of your cum that her head bumps against the ceiling - she can’t even stand up straight! “Ugh, ouch,” she says, smiling good-naturedly to show that her gooey head isn’t really hurt. “I guess I’ll have to take an extra-long break and get rid of all this nutrition...”

    With a wink, Flahne reaches out an enormous, off-white arm, unlocking the door nearest to you. “Heehee, I’d ask you to stay and watch, but it’s going to take a long time and get very messy in here,” she laughs, stroking her half-limp ovipositor until it returns to full size. “I hope I have the self-control to keep it out of my mouth the whole time...” Getting the idea, you take one last look at the room-filling gel woman, drinking in the sight of breasts and thighs as big as you are, and then turn to leave.

    “Bye cutie!” Flahne calls after you. “I hope you’ll come in here again!” You can almost hear the snicker in her voice at the double entendre.

    Syri wins a bet against Steele
    ---
    “What’s that adorable rhyme you humans have? Little fig, little fig, let me in,” she coos, “or I’ll woof and I’ll woof and I’ll fuck your ass in.”

    Reaha when asked about her past
    ---
    When you ask her to tell you her story, Reaha gives you an odd look for a moment before grinning and sing-songing, “Moo! My life is moo. I am moo and you are moo and we are moo together.”


    ----------
    Fenoxo
    ----------

    Queen Irellia
    ---
    Irellia is awake once more, and her egg basket has been replaced with a fresh one. She’s beaming and gently rubbing her abdomen with one of her hands. The others give you a tired but friendly wave, the kind of wave you might have gotten from a girl in the hallways of your school after fucking her bareback in her parent’s house the night before. You grin and wave back.

    Gianna room
    ---
    Still working on New Texan machinery, Gianna notices your appearance at once. The android wiggles her callipygian ass and crooks a finger. It looks like she’s wanting some company.

    Anno/Gianna
    ---
    “Only because you want this, Anno,” Gianna answers, explaining, “You said as much, though your body does most of the talking. My time on New Texas has made me quite adept at picking up on nonverbal cues.” The android’s fingers slip inside the sodden puppy. “Your skin is flushed brighter than a galotian whore.” She spreads her fingers to stretch Anno wide, just as the ausar likes it. “Your pupils are dilated like a slut seeing her first dick.” An alabaster thumb dances in circles over a pinkish clit. “And most importantly you’re wet enough to take half the bulls on the planet... or xxx.”

    Dane leaving male milker
    ---
    Of all the people to bump into... Dane, your cousin’s bodyguard, is wandering out of the male-milker stall. He gives a big yawn as he steps out, a towel slung over one broad shoulder. Behind him, Carrie pokes her head out and waves. “See you around, Dane!”

    He gives a lazy wave back over his shoulder, and all but crashes into you while he’s distracted. “Gah! Oh, uh, hey, xxx. Just getting some R&R. Don’t tell your cuz.”

    Before you can question it, the four-armed ausar man walks off. Huh.

    Emmy sex
    ---
    Neither of you bother to respond when the door to her shop whisks open to show an incredibly surprised kaithrit. His shocked expression and whispered apology could never intrude into the sexual heat that swirls around you and Emmy. You just fuck her harder, and let the echoing fuck-sounds chase the poor guy out into the street. When the door swishes closed, Emmy moans louder, as if she had been trying to hold it in all this time. “Fuuuuuuck!”

    Azra being propositioned for sex more then once a day
    ---
    Azra flushes scarlet. “Again? Didn’t we just...” She looks at the time and laughs. “You insatiable slut!” She leans over and gives you a quick peck on the nose, her sable lips lingering a second longer than necessary. “We both have better things to do than banging the night away.” The suula scientist pats your crotch for emphasis. “If you still wanna fuck in xxx hours or so, I’ll be here to rock your world.” She giggles, amused by your seemingly endless libido. “Is there anything else I can help my boyfriend with today?”
     
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  2. SoAndSo

    SoAndSo Well-Known Member
    Creator

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2017
    no soandso :negativeman:
     
  3. sumgai

    sumgai Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2017
    ... I suspected that putting author credits might've been a mistake.

    I'm still going through all of Jesse's stuff mang. And the Seer is more... trippy then humorous. Unless you consider her commenting about alternate realities funny. Mirrin just... she wants to make me hug and kiss her.
     
  4. XBoxMaster131

    XBoxMaster131 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2016
    Wait, I thought the whole "Treatment is mandatory" thing got retconned?

    How do you get this? I've never seen it before.
     
  5. Ethereal Dragon

    Ethereal Dragon Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2015
    I've seen the Dane thing before, its one of those rare scenes you get sometimes. I don't know the chances but it's there and it's possible to get.
     
  6. TFMaster

    TFMaster Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2016
    Yeah, that description doesn’t make as sense now since we can get a shotgun earlier in the game now from Kattom. Back then though that was the only shotgun in the game, now we have three including that one.
     
  7. XBoxMaster131

    XBoxMaster131 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2016
    Wait, I know about the Stormbull, but what's the third one?
     
    #7 XBoxMaster131, May 11, 2018
    Last edited: May 11, 2018
  8. TFMaster

    TFMaster Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2016
    The Auto Shotgun which you can get from Kattom on Tarkus.
     
  9. XBoxMaster131

    XBoxMaster131 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2016
    Ah, right, thanks.
     
  10. sumgai

    sumgai Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2017
    Getting the Treatment isn't mandatory... as long as you don't live on New Texas. From my understanding, it's kinda like being Amish. You can visit, but if you live there, you gotta roll there.

    I've gotten it randomly before the Myrellion probe.
     
  11. XBoxMaster131

    XBoxMaster131 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2016
    Didn't there used to be some kind of secret police thing, where they would forcibly Treat anyone who said no? I know for a fact that used to be a thing.
     
  12. sumgai

    sumgai Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2017
    That was going to be part of Savin's Reaha Treated thing. No idea if that's still legit. Shoot, one of her crazier sisters could just inject her ass with a Treatment medipen if you visit them, that would totally remove the need for Secret Treatment police. Got one clue what's next for Reaha tbh.
     
  13. XBoxMaster131

    XBoxMaster131 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2016
    Great. Now I won't be able to go to New Texas without all this gnawing in the back of my head. *sigh*
     
  14. Ethereal Dragon

    Ethereal Dragon Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2015
    I think the forced treatment thing has been reconned, especially since the fiasco of the forced treated scene we all saw with our Favorite TV wildlife loving slut being forced treated. This was later changed due to how much people didn't like it and the fact that the whole forced thing was counter to what new texas was about and was touting
     
  15. XBoxMaster131

    XBoxMaster131 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2016
    Oh yeah, that's why. They replaced the Treatment with Boviniummin in that scene, right?
     
    #15 XBoxMaster131, May 11, 2018
    Last edited: May 12, 2018
  16. Ethereal Dragon

    Ethereal Dragon Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2015
    I believe so, I haven't viewed that scene yet for a while so I'll get back to you on that.
     
  17. Colourless

    Colourless Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2015
    Now I'm gonna have to start doing this to certain bosses. Ruins any seriousness the situation might have had, but imagining how pissed off Amara or Lash would probably be at that is worth it.
    I don't suppose anyone knows if there are enemies with special reactions to this? Probably not, but would be awesome.
     
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  18. zero point sixty

    zero point sixty Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2016
    Not a specific bit of writing, but the running gag when someone riffs on anuses being right where they belong is strangely hilarious to me. Comedy of repetition I guess.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
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  19. sumgai

    sumgai Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2017
    What we need now is for their to be an alien species with their anuses located someplace else to confuse the hell out of Steele when their appearance is toggled.

    Some more funny text that's a Star Wars A New Hope shout out:

    FederationQuest Myr Radio Misch
    ---
    A woman is speaking over the radio, urgency in her voice:

    “Ellira, come in! Ellira? Daughter, answer me!”

    Daughter? That means... the queen! You’ve got her on radio!

    You pitch your voice as best you can to match the ant officer’s. It’s not a great impression, especially since you don’t speak their language except through a translator program, but... hey. At least there’s a lot of static and distortion on the line. Probably can’t tell too much difference.

    “Uhh... everything’s under control. Situation normal,” you try.

    The woman comes back, “What happened? We heard gunfire from the factory!”

    “Just, uh, just a weapons malfunction. But, uh, everything’s alright! I’m fine. Everybody’s fine, thank you! Uh, how’re you?”

    There’s a moment of silence. “I see. Perhaps I should return and check in on my careless daughters, then.”

    “Uh, no, no, that’s alright. We, uh, have a fuel leak here! Hit a gas line. Give us a few minutes to patch it up!”

    The voice pauses again. “You’re not Ellira. What have you done with my daughter!?”

    You sputter, looking out the window towards an approaching armored truck thundering down the street. Guess she’s coming to visit.

    “Bye mom!” you laugh, and blast the console.

    Better get ready for your royal audience!