Different routes and new content for Embry

moobere

Well-Known Member
May 19, 2017
406
214
26
I've always had ideas for Embry, all relating to different characters and the personalities I made up for them. I'm not very good at writing and really wanted to do this so that I could do better, so I'm going to post what little I have written for some criticism so that I could get better and maybe one day write a character for this game and maybe even get these paths into the game for her. This is what I've gotten so far

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T_5nqWlpjwb1RFLharC5Y2JPSYGufgTzHVo9QBkeTIo/edit?usp=sharing

Any tips would help. Thanks a bunch. <3
 

QuietCoyote

Well-Known Member
Aug 12, 2017
187
331
25
wow
formatting, choppy dialogue, and improper use of parsers
all in the first paragraph
 

Lkynmbr24

Well-Known Member
Creator
Oct 30, 2016
832
1,856
33
I think someone was already working on an Embry's expac, albiet pretty heavily feature-creeped.

Also please, no slaving the innocent pink monkey!!! There's so many things wrong with that scenario for her that it would be hard to list. >.<

Though if I have to list the most glaring issues from a character standpoint, I'm failing to see how Embry, even with her high naivete could be so easily convinced to even consider slavery. She has her own job and lives somewhat well enough on her own, and isn't so financially strapped that she could even partially afford to use a top-of-the-line TF on herself before she met the PC. 2nd, I'm pretty sure Embry's in love with you enough already and pretty endebted enough from helping pay for her TFs along the way. She's practically all over you enough as is after that. Suddenly proposing slavery after all's said and done, and out of love for that matter, is a pretty dick move (unless this were only for hard personality Steeles or something.)
 
Last edited:

moobere

Well-Known Member
May 19, 2017
406
214
26
I think someone was already working on an Embry's expac, albiet pretty heavily feature-creeped.

Also please, no slaving the innocent pink monkey!!! There's so many things wrong with that scenario for her that it would be hard to list. >.<

Though if I have to list the most glaring issues from a character standpoint, I'm failing to see how Embry, even with her high naivete could be so easily convinced to even consider slavery. She has her own job and lives somewhat well enough on her own, and isn't so financially strapped that she could even partially afford to use a top-of-the-line TF on herself before she met the PC. 2nd, I'm pretty sure Embry's in love with you enough already and pretty endebted enough from helping pay for her TFs along the way. She's practically all over you enough as is after that. Suddenly proposing slavery after all's said and done, and out of love for that matter, is a pretty dick move (unless this were only for hard personality Steeles or something.)

Yes it was ment for a Hard/Evil type PC, I really wanted it to be like Harley Quinn and Joker like relationship, Im really just doing this for fun and to get better at writing dialogue for characters, I have no plans for this to make it into the game.


wow
formatting, choppy dialogue, and improper use of parsers
all in the first paragraph

When I played soccer at 8 I had a coach like you, would just say that I sucked and wasn't going to make and advancements. Then I made it to college as a Top 10 rated defender in my state standing at 5'5". Point is thanks for the useless advice :).
 

QuietCoyote

Well-Known Member
Aug 12, 2017
187
331
25
When I played soccer at 8 I had a coach like you, would just say that I sucked and wasn't going to make and advancements. Then I made it to college as a Top 10 rated defender in my state standing at 5'5". Point is thanks for the useless advice :).
ok, here's something a little bit better.
you didn't follow the formatting or parser guide when you started to write this, so no matter how good the writing is, it would not get accepted.
secondly, your dialogue is very forced, making the entire scene feel like it's on fast forward, with absolutely no buildup or discussion between normality and slavery.

did i really need to elaborate on those points?
 

ShySquare

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2015
768
676
secondly, your dialogue is very forced, making the entire scene feel like it's on fast forward, with absolutely no buildup or discussion between normality and slavery.
Isn't that what drafts are for? they can always edit it later

@moobere As for resources on how to format submissions, I believe there are links to them in the pinned threads of the Even Submission subforum
 

Lkynmbr24

Well-Known Member
Creator
Oct 30, 2016
832
1,856
33
Yes it was ment for a Hard/Evil type PC, I really wanted it to be like Harley Quinn and Joker like relationship, Im really just doing this for fun and to get better at writing dialogue for characters, I have no plans for this to make it into the game.
If this is the case, I'm sorry to say but trying to emulate JimT's style of dialogue (especially Embry's) is probably not one of the best frameworks to start on in honesty. As much as I love the shy and sweet thing, she does come off exceptionally sugary more than realistically possible in most cases, and is kinda reflected in the sex scenes as well for her to where it does get to be a liiiiittle too much, lol. (And believe me, I looooove my sugar! :p)

I'd probably evaluate other writer's works as well as Jim's characters, as each writer has their own unique style to how they come off with dialogue. Like for example: SoandSo's work usually has a good amount of humor and witty remarks to them, and B's tends to relate more to a realistic side when it comes to interactions. As for myself, I find my prose kind of brown, usually focusing on itty-bitty details moreso than anything. Take notes and observe their individual styles, and then from that, make your own style depending on what you're comfy doing. I wouldn't out and out try to emulate someone's style from the get-go, otherwise you may fall into the same pitfalls as them~

I can admit, I did almost do the same thing starting out myself, since Embry was also one of my inspirations to start writing myself, but found doing my own thing as far as my own style was a lot more fun in the long run!

Edit: I also want to add, if picking up someone else's character, you would have to, in essence also have to adopt the author's writing style on top of that, mainly for consistency's sake, from which you will likely have to deviate from your own style in order to fit theirs. It's an extremely tough task to do, and likely burns someone out from that effort as well. Unless you really have a firm grasp on the character themselves with how they may act in x situation and how they react to y, and how z writer may interpret that, the effort is often led to some conflicting feelings for readers who have read the initial content.
 
Last edited: