An enthralled mind

[Argile]

I've been a lurker for a while but lately I've been mulling over an idea and thought I might share it.

"There's been a string of kidnappings going on Tavros. Police are doing their best to stop the one's responsible but so far, their search hasn't come up with credible suspects. You for for part are unaware of the events and as you wander the Station, a playful kitten sets their eyes on you. After soliciting her company you both go somewhere more private for a bit of fun. But something goes wrong. In her home, you end up blacking out. Once you come to, the peacekeepers are on you and she's missing. Fingers point to you as the prime suspect. Luckily for you, a private detective thinks otherwise"

I shared the link below for the story. Let me know what you guys think about it. Any comments will definetly help in improving the story as well as my own writting. Appreciate all for taking the time to gaze over.

Have a good day all.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1K2TLQs19lrXVj-5x8Q8x6_2tdEO0dEb07U_KS3mmEWw/edit?usp=sharing

 

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Luckily for you, a private detective thinks otherwise

 

[Axilgreen]

mind control and used in a way that many of us would be using it if we had it in this game, yet its not us. thats a new one and i like it.

the story is well written though. the only suggestions i have are towards the beginning and the ending.
for the beginning its the introduction to the cops and pi steel is a bit to confused for someone who usually has their shit together. of course that was the whole point so instead try offering the player a way to weasel or talk their way out of the first conflict if they have a high level or sufficient money the only thing this would actually change beside less anger and a quickening steel being released to the pi, is a few more questions and character building for the case at the beginning until the real meet of the story starts. because thats the thing with steel unless hes really horny he's uslay on his shit.

my last one is the ending. now the ending itself is fine its the aftermath. the story just leaves of with congratulations you win she's going to jail. problem is this is an rpg game so we want to at least see some of the characters again or have a reason for them being gone. while in the villeins case she's going to gastopo, in other words a new inmate for us to play with, and trust me after this whole 62 page epic we want our revenge.

 

[Argile]

Hello everyone. Been a while but I've been working on the story in the mean time.
Should be able to see it on the link made in my first post.

Things that have changed/added:
1.A bit of rework in the intro to the characters. Gave a bit more dialogue and added a small scene.
2.Added an epilogue to the quest chain where the PC can interact with the detective character.

There is a bit more I'm planning to work with. I'll do my best to make it as best as I can and as quick as I can.
Any critiques is very much appreciated, its how one improves after all.

Thanks for taking the time to read and I wish you all a good day.